Latest Posts

  • I Survived the Fall of Civilization and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog Post

    Um, what the hell just happened? I left the computer for, like, half an hour to take the dog for a quick walk, and, while I was gone, Western Civilization came tumbling down and obliterated itself into a fine powder of dust beneath its own massive weight before spontaneously regenerating itself back up into the hobbled powerhouse it's been of late.

    And all while I was carrying around a plastic bag full of dog poop. (That's a metaphor!)

    In one of the most dizzying half-hours in stock market history, the Dow plunged nearly 1,000 points before paring those losses in what possibly could have been a trader error.

    According to multiple sources, a trader entered a "b" for billion instead of an "m" for million in a trade possibly involving Procter & Gamble, a component in the Dow… Sources tell CNBC the firm in question that handled the erroneous trade is Citigroup.

    Hahahahaha! That old million/billion confusion thing. Oh, man! If I had a million billion nickels for every time I made that same mistake myself…

    Tags: Citigroup, Dow Jones, Economy, Money, Wall Street
  • The Daily Show: Economic Recovery Called on Account of Fog

    Wall Street CEO's just couldn't make it to the White House to talk to the president about how they should start loaning money to people on account of a low-hanging cloud. That may seem like a lame excuse to you, but that's just because you're wrong.

    Click here to watch this full episode. The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Citigroup, Economy, Goldman Sachs, Jon Stewart, Money, TARP, The Daily Show
  • How to Think Like a Glenn Beck Fan

    It must be really, really hard to be a Glenn Beck fan. I know I couldn't do it.

    Matt Taibbi explains

    [A]ctual rich people can't ever be the target. It's a classic peasant mentality: going into fits of groveling and bowing whenever the master's carriage rides by, then fuming against the Turks in Crimea or the Jews in the Pale or whoever after spending fifteen hard hours in the fields. You know you're a peasant when you worship the very people who are right now, this minute, conning you and taking your shit.

    Whatever the master does, you're on board. When you get frisky, he sticks a big cross in the middle of your village, and you spend the rest of your life praying to it with big googly eyes. Or he puts out newspapers full of innuendo about this or that faraway group and you immediately salute and rush off to join the hate squad. A good peasant is loyal, simpleminded, and full of misdirected anger.

    And that's what we've got now, a lot of misdirected anger searching around for a non-target to mis-punish… can't be mad at AIG, can't be mad at Citi or Goldman Sachs. The real villains have to be the anti-AIG protesters! After all, those people earned those bonuses! If ever there was a textbook case of peasant thinking, it's struggling middle-class Americans burned up in defense of taxpayer-funded bonuses to millionaires. It's really weird stuff. And bound to get weirder, I imagine, as this crisis gets worse and more complicated.

    I don't know. These people seem pretty reasonable, well-informed and able to expressive of their thoughtful opinions to me.

    Tags: AIG, Barack Obama, Citigroup, Economy, Glenn Beck, Goldman Sachs, Matt Taibbi
  • Dow Takes Short Break from Apocalyptic Collapse

    Hey, hold off on trying to tie that knot in the noose you've been working on all morning. For at least the next few minutes. There's actually some not horrible news coming out of Wall Street…

    Led by financial stocks, the market made its first big move upward in weeks Tuesday after Citigroup Inc. said it had operated at a profit during the first two months of the year. All the major indexes soared more than 4.5 percent, and the Dow Jones industrials shot up more than 300 points.

    I'd give it another fifteen minutes and then you can get back to the noose.

    Tags: Citigroup, Economy
  • What Citigroup Shares Are No Longer Worth

    These two GYWO-ripoffy guys don't have names yet, but they just heard some fantastic news about Citigroup.

    Not to mention a kickass bargain…

    Tags: Citigroup, Economy