Friday's Links: A Pun Contest To Put You in Missouri

* Winner of the O. Henry Pun-Off: Jerzy Gwiazdowski.

* Team Coco vs. Team Kim Jong-Un.

* The most awkward elevator ride in the history of Congress?

* Nathan For You catches a vandal and makes a PSA out of him.

* They don't make filibusters like they used to, do they Strom Thurmond?

* Cracked says space travel sucks because we don't belong there or some nonsense.

* Baby Geniuses podcast talks to Guy Branam about the amazing Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

* If the U.S.S. Monitor  had let the Union's blockade fall, we'd all be speaking Confederacy now.

Tags: Civil War, Conan O'Brien, Daily Links, Dennis Rodman, John McCain, Kim Jong-un, Rand Paul, Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Thursday Links: Neil deGrasse Tyson Gets Curious

* Sarah Silverman and Jim Gaffigan talk space with Neil deGrasse Tyson.

* The Petraeus Files: All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to See, by Ted Travelstead, for your Kindle.

* A new idea in energy that lives off the grid.

* A visual guide to President Obama analogies.

* The Onion sits down with a terrorism grant winner.

* It's comedian Todd Glass's one year coming-out party.

* Dan Deacon reminds us what America looks like.

* When to tell your sex partner about your Civil War figurines.

* Congratulations to Donald Trump for exposing everyone's hatred of him.

Tags: Civil War, Daily Links, David Petraeus, Donald Trump, Energy & Oil, John Boehner, LGBT, NASA, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Sarah Silverman, Terrorism, The New York Times, The Onion, Todd Glass

0.6% Chance U.S. Will Tear Itself to Bloody Shreds on Nov. 7

Super-statistician Nate Silver once again does the math and concludes, once again, that there is a non-zero percent chance for a doomsday scenario — a.k.a. Electoral College tie — between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney…

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Tags: Civil War, Nate Silver, Polls

One of a Kind Candidate: Bill Woolsey, Mayor, James Island, South Carolina

Bill Woolsey was the mayor of James Island, South Carolina, but it was ripped from his hands mid-term. Not his office, the town. Those uppity-ups in neighboring Charleston appealed James Island's attempt to become incorporated, making Woolsey a mayor without a town.

But in May James Island succeeded in its fourth attempt for town-hood, and Woolsey is running again to become mayor. Four times the islanders have tried to separate themselves from Charleston. Four times! That’s real persistence, or a real dislike for Charleston. As Wikipedia says, "driving these [separation] efforts was a hatred for Charleston Mayor Joe Riley." No citation.  Nailed the landing on that one, Wikipedia.

Doesn't feel so good to be seceded from, does it, Charleston? We're sorry to see you suffer, but at least now you can understand a little bit of the stress you caused us northerners–all those late nights of worrying, wondering how we could have come from the same Founding Fathers.

Quick history lesson (with a citation, check it): the first shots of the Civil War came from James Island, when Confederate forces at Fort Johnson fired on the Union-occupied Fort Sumter. Now, like their ancestors, the citizens of James Island have cast off the shackles of oppression on their property, although their ancestors were trying to keep the shackles of oppression on their "property," but, you know. This has taken a turn.

Anyway, now that James Islanders have prevailed with their stick-it-to-Joe-Riley plan, Bill Woolsey's campaign platform is a post-conquest agenda. Not content with mere independence, he's trying to add strategic territories to his rebel island with a bold plan to "organize and win annexation elections."

Careful, Mr. Woolsey. The sweet taste of secession can be addictive. It's only a matter time before you personally secede from James Island. Next thing you know you're seceding from the living room to Woolsey Fort Blanket, and eventually ol' Joe Riley will come in from Charleston and start bagging-up the carpet. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to reheat it," as Abraham Lincoln never said. (Spoiler: he never fought vampires, either.)

Also, Charleston, it would be super chill of you to let us use your police department. We can be grown-up about this, right?

Image by Kean Collection/Archive Photos/Getty Images

Previously: Goodspaceguy, "Close encounter of a 3rd party"

^{Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Woolsey a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:}

^{Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.}

Tags: Civil War, One of a Kind Candidates, South Carolina

South Carolina's New Number Two Dressed as Slave Owner

Although South Carolina Lieutenant Governor Ken Ard resigned in disgrace last week due to ethics violations, it looks like his replacement will be just as embarrassing for the Palmetto State.

Meet Glenn McConnell. You may recognize him from his well-publicized fondness for dressing up like a plantation owner. But, you know, not in a racist way…

The Republican lawmaker is perhaps best known for his unapologetic embrace of the Confederacy, grabbing national headlines in 2010 when he appeared in photos dressed as a confederate general — posing with two people presumably imitating slaves: McConnell is a member Sons of Confederate Veterans, Secession Camp #4, as he proudly lists on his official bio. He also owns a store that sells confederate memorabilia.

Asked in a 1999 interview on ABC's Nightline what he thinks when he sees the Confederate Flag, he replied… "I don't see black and white. I don't see racism." He added that it "hurt[s] our feelings" when people bring up race with the flag.

It's a good thing McConnell doesn't see color. That way, he won't notice the bright shade of red on Gov. Nikki Haley's face whenever she has to explain one of his racially tinged gaffes.

And if he can't see black and white, he definitely won't be able to read the thousands and thousands of letters he'll receive when he throws his next Confederate costume gala.

Tags: Civil War, Nikki Haley, Racism, Republicans, Slavery, South Carolina