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CNN
  • Mitt Romney, Retroactively Retired Bain Capital Time Lord

    Seeking to explain the discrepancy between Mitt Romney having no responsibility for Bain Capital's investments in companies that specialized in outsourcing, laid off some of their workers or declared bankruptcy after 1999, while at the same time serving as the company's CEO and sole shareholder until 2002, Republican strategist Ed Gillespie admitted that Romney isn't a robot but belongs to an ancient alien race of humanoids known for their non-linear perception of time.

    "There may have been a thought at the time that it could be part-time," Gillespie said, when CNN's Candy Crowley asked him about Romney's 1999-2002  leave of absence from Bain. "It was not part-time. The Olympics was in a shambles. The International Olympic Committee was going to pull the Olympics from the United States of America, which would have been a huge embarrassment.

    "He took a leave of absence and in fact, ended up not going back at all and retired retroactively to February 1999 as a result."

    These new-found abilities represent an opportunity for the Republican campaign. Already, many have made the claim that, retroactively, George W. Bush, not Barack Obama, was responsible for the killing of Osama bin Laden. With Mitt Romney's abilities, they can make this so. Entitlement programs can also be saved this way, as millions of Americans work to until 80, but retroactively retire at the Social Security old retirement age of 67.

    In summary: Romney is retroactively not responsible for the terrible things that occurred as a result of leveraged bets by Bain Capital, which is a great and noble company that exemplifies Romney's skills as a businessman possessing the skills  necessary to restore the country's economy.

    Photo by Eric Kayne/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Bain Capital, CNN, Ed Gillespie, Mitt Romney
  • CNN Staffers Embarrassed by SCOTUS Misreporting

    A lot of people had a lot of fun with CNN's botched coverage of the Supreme Court Obamacare decision yesterday, which is totally understandable because Hahahah, CNN! Wolf Blitzer's Beard! Hologram Will.i.am!

    But can you imagine what it would have been like if you worked for CNN? Especially if you were one of the handful of people there who's actually a journalist?

    "Fucking humiliating," said one CNN veteran. "We had a chance to cover it right. And some people in here don’t get what a big deal getting it wrong is. Morons."

    "Shameful," another long-time correspondent told BuzzFeed.

    "It's outrageous and embarrassing," a third CNN staffer vented. "Maybe this will shake the company into understanding that CNN has not been the 'most trusted name in news' for a very long time."

    I think that might be wishful thinking. I don't think the people over there like to acknowledge anything that they can't break first.

    "It looked to all the world like the chief justice was going to strike down the law," legal analyst Toobin later said on air, seeking to explain the CNN confusion.

    So true. And so sad. If only there were some way they could have found out the actual truth before reporting it. Like, if there were some sort of hologram or gigantic iPhone that would give a news network the technological power to hear an entire news item through to its conclusion before reporting on it.

    Maybe one day…


    Tags: CNN, Judiciary, Media, Supreme Court
  • Tweet Untweet: CNN Literally Breaking the News


    Tags: CNN, Eric Holder
  • Tweet Untweet: Lol Nooz


    Tags: Barack Obama, CNN, Fox News, George Bush, MSNBC, Tweet Untweet, Twitter
  • Tweet Untweet: Overlooking the Obvious


    Tags: Barack Obama, CNN, Mitt Romney, Tweet Untweet, Twitter