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Congressional Confidential
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Rudy Giuliani

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Catching Up With A Loser! The single most important event of George W. Bush's presidency was the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001. And so it seemed obvious that Bush's successor in the White House should be the greatest celebrity to rise from that dark day, the face that graced TV news screens for months afterward, the man who became virtually synonymous with 9/11… Osama bin Laden.

    Unfortunately, the Turbaned One was not a U.S. citizen, and therefore ineligible for the presidency. So the task fell to this week's entry in our Presidential Loser Series, Rudy Giuliani (R-NY)!

    Giuliani's resume was without equal in the Republican field. Namely, he:

    * Happened to be mayor of New York on September 11, 2001.

    * Was on TV many times during and after September 11, 2001.

    * Ran campaign ads featuring images of firefighters — most of whom apparently hate him — dating from September 11, 2001.

    * Tried to illegally extend his term, citing the events of September 11, 2001.

    * Dispatched the NYPD to escort his mistress and future third wife, Judith Nathan, on interstate trips, citing the yet-to-occur events of September 11, 2001.

    * Earned millions of dollars giving speeches about September 11, 2001.

    Giuliani was also the only candidate who could boast he had married his second cousin, a major coup considering one of his opponents was Mitt Romney. Nevertheless, the Mayor's candidacy suffered from feeble support among his core constituency — such as former driver and police chief Bernie Kerik, who skipped the election to ball his mistress/publisher in an apartment intended for 9/11 workers.

    Despite leading the Republican field for most of 2007, Giuliani tanked in the primaries, accruing a miserable total of one delegate. Even Ron Paul got 35! The Mayor was forced to drop out of the race on January 30, 2008, much to the relief of squeegee men nationwide.


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Rudy Giuliani
  • Larry Craig's Super Tuber

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Chow Time! Who's hungry for some delicious food prepared by Members of Congress with a side helping of terrifyingly Freudian innuendo? If you raised your hand, get out your copy of Congress Cooks! — yes it really exists — turn to Page 69, and behold the "Super Tuber," submitted by Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID)!

    Craig's "Super Tuber" recipe involves:

    1. Hollowing out a potato.
    2. Lubing up a hot dog (the Senator recommends using shortening or butter).
    3. Shoving the hot dog into the potato.

    Bake this puppy for one hour and you've got yourself a phallic, if not appetizing, delight, as evidenced by these photos (care of Foodgoat).

    Once your tastebuds have been seduced by the "Super Tuber," you'll be eager to try other Congressional delicacies, such as the Creamy Tuna Delight submitted by Rep. Chris Cannon (R-UT) and Hushwee Mediterranean Rice-Meat Dish submitted by Rep. Nick Rahall II (D-WV). But take our advice: Don't eat all of these at once or you'll be rushing off to a wide stance at a Minneapolis airport men's room in no time!


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Larry Craig
  • In Defense of Ted Stevens

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    An Innocent Man! The Pages are up in arms over the charges that have landed Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) in hot water! It seems the cuddliest octogenarian on Capitol Hill was recently indicted for failing to report gifts from oil executives. We say: Unfair! Do you really think that Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) reports every single baguette he gets from the King of France?

    In defense of Uncle Ted, the Pages have crafted a 5-prong defense that we think should pave the way for the Senator's speedy acquittal:

    1. Stevens is the only sitting Senator who is more than 35 years older than his own state.

    2. Although it was Al Gore who invented the Internet, modern scientists had no idea how it worked until Stevens' personal research revealed it to be "not a truck," and in fact "a series of tubes."

    3. In 2005 alone, Stevens secured $16.6 million dollars in federal Homeland Security funding for his home state of Alaska, which undoubtedly thwarted an Al Qaeda attack on Fairbanks.

    4. Stevens somehow served as co-Senator with Mike Gravel (D-AK) for 12 years without once hitting him with a shovel.

    5. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Stevens courageously threatened to resign his Senate seat if federal highway funds were diverted from Alaska's $223 million "Bridge To Nowhere" to rebuilding New Orleans.

    If those facts don't convince a jury to acquit Uncle Ted, we don't know what will. But in the event that Stevens is wrongfully convicted and forced to leave the Senate, we're sure that Alaskans will follow in their proud tradition of nepotism and award his seat to his son, Ben Stevens. Oh wait, it turns out the FBI is investigating him, too.


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Ted Stevens
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Dennis Kucinich

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Catching Up With A Loser! If the Pages have learned one thing in Washington, it's that politics can be a lot like high school. Take, for instance, the 2008 Democratic presidential primary. You had your major jocks — Barack Obama (basketball team), Bill Richardson (baseball team), John Edwards (synchronized swimming). And then you had your nerds — Hillary Clinton (student government), Chris Dodd (Glee Club), Tom Vilsack (tech theater).

    But no one was a bigger nerd than this week's Presidential Loser: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH)! The Congressman from Cleveland was the president of the A/V Club and the Latin Society rolled up into one — and the bullies on the campaign trail never let him forget it. Kucinich was picked on mercilessly for his uber-dork attributes, including:

    * Diminutive height.

    * Adamant veganism.

    * Destruction of Cleveland as Boy Mayor in the 1970's.

    It also did not help that Kucinich (though 61 years old) had still not hit puberty, and that his most prominent endorsement was from a J.R.R. Tolkien character. Still he pressed on, and with good reason. After all, his 2004 presidential run garnered him 67 delegates and a foxy new wife 31 years his junior!

    But like so many other high schoolers, Kucinich hit the sophomore slump in his second run for the White House. Having ceded the "liberal populist" vote to John Edwards Version 2.0 and the "hilarious prank vote" to newcomer Mike Gravel, the Ohio Congressman had to drop out of the race on January 24, 2008. Kucinich is now back on the job in Washington, occupied with impeaching George W. Bush and protecting outer space for future generations of Star Wars collectibles!


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Dennis Kucinich
  • Behind the Velvet Rope

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Not On The List! Ask any Washington politician what the bedrock of our democracy is, and the answer will always be the same: High-profile fundraisers! How else could these noble public servants finance vicious attack ads accusing their opponents of giving blowjobs to Nicolas Sarkozy?

    But you, dear reader, wouldn't know too much about that, because most fundraisers are off-limits to all but VIPs. Here's a small taste of what you're missing behind closed doors, courtesy of the Pages:

    Event What Happened Why You Weren't Invited
    Stripper Party in honor of Rep. Pete Sessions (R-TX), at Forty Deuce, a notorious Las Vegas strip club.

    Reports vary. We understand it was a "no nudity" event (source: Sessions), featuring "dancers taking their clothes off" (source: club owner Ivan Kane.) You would have blushed at Sessions' insistence that all donations be made in singles, tucked into his G-string.
    Manchester (NH) Republican Committee Machine Gun Shoot.

    For a $25 donation, attendees got to fire off Uzis, M-16s, and AK-47s, presumably at photos of Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Howard Dean. You would have wet your pantsuit at the sight of those guns, Frenchy.
    Soiree for Senate Candidate Al Franken (D-MN) at the Playboy Mansion in Chicago.

    Christie Hefner opened the doors of her home for the fundraiser, which featured readings from Franken's 2000 Playboy article, "Porn-O-Rama." Your porn loyalties lie with Hustler, and you were already booked for Larry Flynt's Dennis Kucinich Fundraiser!

    Tags: Congressional Confidential