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Congressional Confidential
  • What's on Orrin Hatch's Head?

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Spotted! An exciting Washington celebrity was recently caught on film by Congressional Confidential's roving team of ex-Senate Pages with camera phones!

    Who: Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT).

    Where: Boston's Logan International Airport.

    Doing What: Reading a book (presumably his autographed copy of The Audacity of Hope).

    Beyond the most obvious question — "Wait, Orrin Hatch is still alive?" — you're probably wondering about the Senator's unusual fashion accessory: The giant red splotch on the side of his head!

    Now we could tell you the origin of the splotch, but to be perfectly honest, it's pretty boring. That's why we want you to decide what suddenly made the Senator's cranium redder than the 1984 electoral vote map.

    Is he returning home from a Mikhail Gorbachev look-a-like contest (which he lost to Larry Craig)? Is he trying to introduce bindis to the Mormon faith? Did he step on a rake deftly planted by Senate prankster Russ Feingold (D-WI)? Or is it none of the above? Submit your own explanation!


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, Orrin Hatch
  • McCain Veepstakes – Official Vegas Betting Odds

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Item! The word in Washington is that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is about to announce his pick for his vice-presidential running mate! This will be McCain's most important decision of the campaign. Whoever serves as his #2 will have the responsibilities of:

    * Serving as President of the U.S. Senate.

    *Being dispatched to dinner functions in countries whose cuisine gives McCain gas.

    * Running the country each night from 7 to 8 pm while McCain is watching Matlock.

    Washington Insiders have narrowed down McCain's choices to five front-runners and the Pages are pleased to give you our Official Vegas Betting Odds on each of them:

    Name Why He'll Get It Why He Won't Page's Betting Odds

    Tim Pawlenty

    Governor of Minnesota

    Evangelical Christian from a potential swing-state. Who wants a vice-president who can't even score with his own wife? 2 : 1

    Mitt Romney

    Former Governor of Massachusetts

    Only candidate who can carry the hedge fund and polygamy votes simultaneously. Americans might be intimidated by such a brilliant, accomplished, righteous, wealthy, handsome family man. (Source: Mitt Romney) Six : Half-Dozen

    Charlie Crist

    Governor of Florida

    Having an obviously gay man on the ticket could help McCain cut into a traditionally Democratic voting bloc. His dark orange tan clashes badly with the McCain campaign's blue-and-white theme colors. 69 : 1

    Joe Lieberman

    Senator from Connecticut

    Brings valuable experience in the field of losing vice-presidential campaigns. Comes with his own theme song. Dogged by insidious Washington whisper campaign that he is a Jew. 666 : 1

    Bobby Jindal

    Governor of Louisiana

    Introduced an Amber Alert for senior citizens in his home state, so he'll be ready to respond when McCain wanders off during a G-8 Summit. America may not be ready for a Catholic vice-president. 1.132 billion : 1

    Tags: Congressional Confidential, John McCain
  • Congressman Death?

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Paging Doctor Death! The Pages have great news for sodium thiopental industry lobbyists! You may soon have a friend in Washington by the name of Rep. Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian! The famed assisted-suicide doctor and convicted felon is now officially a candidate for the congressional seat now held by Rep. Joe Knollenberg (R-MI)!

    For those keeping score, Kevorkian would not be the first celebrity elected by the voters of Michigan. In honor of his candidacy, the Pages would like to profile other famous people who held office in the Great Lakes State:

    Name Original Claim to Fame Current Claim to Fame

    Martha Reeves
    Detroit City Councilwoman

    Skyrocketed to musical fame and fortune on the coattails of The Vandellas. Accepted bribes in a sordid sludge-hauling scandal.

    George Romney
    Former Governor

    CEO of American Motors and imagined marching companion of Martin Luther King. Father of the most smug, pompous, out-of-touch narcissist the Michigan school system has ever produced

    Gerald Ford
    Former Congressman and U.S. President
    Fashion model for Cosmopolitan and Look magazines. Raised the art of presidential bloopers to a level not known since the Martin Van Buren administration.

    Tags: Congressional Confidential
  • Now THAT'S a Stimulus Package!

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    A Stimulating Development! Calling all skeptics who thought firming up our flaccid economy was little more than George W. Bush's wet dream: You were wrong! The Commander-in-Chief's ample economic stimulus package has engorged the economy with hot, steamy cash, and who's been scoring non-stop as a result? The internet pornography industry!

    According to the Adult Internet Market Research Company (NAMBLA):

    Numerous porn sites "have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

    And it gets better: The Pages believe that before long, all segments of the economy will reap benefits from the porn surge! Consider how much the following groups will love the Bush Stimulus Package:

    Environmentalists When Americans masturbate at home, they conserve fuel by not driving to adult movie theaters, who in turn will use less water to hose down the seats after a screening.
    The powerful Hand Lotion Lobby Thanks to the wonders of trickle-down economics, this commodity is about to see a huge spike in demand.
    The U.S. Supreme Court To paraphrase Justice Potter Stewart, the Court certainly knows hard-core pornography when it sees it, and this development enables them to know a lot more porn.
    The Insurance Industry Given the lucrative nature of internet porn, many stars will seek to insure their most valuable assets. We understand that Ron Jeremy has taken out a $1 million policy on his own, shall we say, Bush Stimulus Package.

    Well, as General Motors CEO Charles E. Wilson famously said: "What's good for the porn industry is good for America." So as a citizen of the greatest nation on Earth, you can now sit back and enjoy imminent financial bounty– whether or not you're the owner of www.naughtyasiangrannies.com!


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, George W. Bush
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Fred Thompson

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Catching Up With A Loser! The Pages are pleased to present the next in our list of 2008 presidential losers: Law and Order star and Elmer Fudd stand-in Sen. Fred Thompson! Thompson, a former Republican Senator from Tennessee, never intended to run for president. He was happy in retirement, making TV appearances and nailing a woman six years younger than his own son. For months, he ignored a burgeoning "Draft Thompson" movement until finally he was tricked into entering the race by a fast-talking rabbit.

    Outsmarted and resigned to his candidacy, Thompson plotted a quick exit from the race by refusing to learn anything about the issues, skipping debates, and describing Latino immigrants as "suicidal maniacs [who] want to kill innocent men, women, and children." But much to Thompson’s chagrin, he somehow led in the polls going into July 2007!

    As the primary season rolled around, the man Richard Nixon called "dumb as hell" finally managed to chart a course toward the defeat he so obviously coveted. He lost badly in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan and Nevada, before announcing he was staking his candidacy on South Carolina.

    Thompson's logic was that if he dropped out by January 22nd, he could make it back to Hollywood in time to shoot a cameo as a corpse on CSI: Miami. And South Carolina voters did their part, giving Thompson 16% of the vote and zero delegates.

    Visibly relieved, the ex-Senator dropped his campaign faster than NBC could cancel Bionic Woman, happily ending his political career. Now in recent weeks, Thompson's name has been floated as a youthful complement to John McCain on the GOP ticket, but the Senator has quashed those rumors, announcing that if selected, he will move to Canada.


    Tags: Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential, Fred Thompson