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Congressional Confidential
  • Offensive Quote Match-Up!

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Know Your Racist History! In the wake of our controversial non-eulogy of Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), the Pages would like to offer up a quiz on disgustingly offensive statements made by American politicians of the past 100 years.

    Match each bigoted quote with its author, and then click on the bottom of the page to reveal the answers. The winner gets a write-in vote on the ballot to replace anti-immigrant Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO), who is retiring to become a Minuteman!

    1. "I think one man is just as good as another, as long as he's honest and decent and not a nigger or a Chinaman." A. Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV)
    2. "You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking." B. President Woodrow Wilson
    3. "There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I’m going to use that word." C. Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC)
    4. "There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy." D. President Harry S. Truman
    5. "We didn't do too well with the animal vote, did we? Isn't it the animals who live in these projects? They're not our people." E. Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE)
    6. "The white men were roused by a mere instinct of self-preservation… until at last there had sprung into existence a great Ku Klux Klan, a veritable empire of the South, to protect the Southern country." F. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY)

    ANSWER KEY:
    1. President Harry S Truman

    2. Sen. Joe Biden

    3. Sen. Robert C. Byrd

    4. Sen. Jesse Helms

    5. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato

    6. President Woodrow Wilson


    Tags: Congressional Confidential
  • Oldies But…Goodies?

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Old Dogs, New Tricks! Last week the Pages profiled some of the youngest candidates running for Congress in 2008. Today we're reporting on the House's current elder statesmen — the men whose spittoons those youngsters would need to empty as Congressional Freshmen. Now we all know age is the new race, but don't bust out the "geezers only" drinking fountains just yet! These geriatrics are legends of the House of Representatives:

    Name Claim to Fame 2008 Election Prospects

    Rep. Ralph Hall (R-TX), 85 years old
    Said of George W. Bush: "We have a good president. I pray for him. Sometimes I'd like to pull down his britches and switch him, but I still love him." In 2004, Hall switched to the GOP from the Democrats– his party since his earlier defection from the Whigs. All his bases are covered.

    Rep. Ralph Regula (R-OH), 83 years old.
    Single-handedly responsible for ensuring that Mt. McKinley remains named after one of our worst presidents, and is never officially recognized by its actual name, Denali. Regula recently announced that he would retire from Congress this year, citing his desire to spend more time with his children before they die of old age.

    Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD), 82 years old.
    Was a guest of honor at a bizarre coronation ceremony for The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who was crowned as "humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent," while Bartlett watched. Bartlett has outfundraised his opponent, Jennifer Dougherty, 15 to one. If he can restrain himself from spending it all on Vicks Vapo-Rub, he should coast to victory.

    Rep. John Dingell (D-MI), 82 years old.
    Reigning Congressional poetry slam champion. Valiantly napped through George W. Bush's State of the Union speech, winning him points with his liberal Michigan constituency. He's a shoo-in for his 28th term, which will set a House record.

    Doris "Granny D" Haddock, 98 years old
    Although not technically in Congress, Granny D ran against Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) in the 2004 election, winning 34% of the vote in the general election. Granny D is not on the ballot in 2008, but she has begun walking to Washington just in case she wins as a write-in.

    (Note: Compared to Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens, this crowd is middle-aged. Check back later for the Senate edition!)


    Tags: Congressional Confidential, John Dingell, Ralph Hall
  • Catching Up With A Loser: Bill Richardson

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Catching Up With A Loser! In our rush last week to profile failed presidential contender Duncan Hunter, we passed over the highly forgettable candidacy of Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM) who dropped out on January 10, beating Hunter by more than two weeks in the loser-stakes!

    From Day One, Richardson made it clear that he was not your average presidential contender. Among other things, he was:

    * The first serious candidate to strongly resemble the Incredible Hulk.

    * Experienced as a governor, congressman, ambassador, cabinet secretary, and critically acclaimed YouTube actor.

    * Latino, and therefore able to converse with outgoing president George W. Bush in terrible, broken Spanish.

    * Able to withstand the wrath of lesbian rocker Melissa Etheridge when stating that her homosexuality was a choice.

    * The only candidate to perpetuate a flagrant lie about being a Major League Baseball player.

    Yeah, about that last one… It turns out that while Richardson did play professional baseball (in the Cape Cod League), he misspoke ever so slightly when he repeatedly claimed in various speeches and biographies that he had been drafted by the Kansas City Athletics. After his lie was exposed, Richardson tackled the media firestorm like a 3 AM phone call, explaining:

    "After being notified of the situation and after researching the matter… I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's."

    Thanks for clearing that up, Governor! We hope you can share some of your research skills with fellow non-draftee Fidel Castro!

    Richardson's presidential campaign enjoyed roughly the same success as his baseball career. Despite support from the powerful pro-cockfighting wing of the Democratic Party, he placed a dismal fourth in both the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, leading pundits to name him "The Ernest 'Fritz' Hollings of 2008." (Or, in the case of James Carville, "The Judas Iscariot of 2008.")

    For now Richardson remains the Governor of New Mexico, but the state's lackluster economy may inspire the voters to place him on waivers, at which point Richardson hopes he'll be picked up by the increasingly desperate Washington Nationals!


    Tags: Bill Richardson, Catching Up With a Loser, Congressional Confidential
  • John Sununu: The New Santorum?

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Frothy! Congratulations to Sen. John Sununu (R-NH), winner of American Prospect's coveted "This Cycle’s Santorum" Award! This accolade grants Sununu the fate of martyred Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), who lost miserably in 2006 to Democrat Bob Casey!

    Though understandably elated, Sununu shouldn't think he can just lose his election and then show up for his trophy. Any Santorum impersonator worth his "20 Most Corrupt Members of Congress" certification must also do the following:

    * Adopt the nickname "Rooster" on account of freakishly erect back-hair.

    * Lobby for the expanded use of steroids in professional wrestling.

    * Hold a press conference to erroneously announce the discovery of WMDs in Iraq and have FOX News continue to report this as fact a full two years later.

    * Compare homosexuality to "man on dog" sex, thus inspiring an advice columnist to publicly define your last name as "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."

    * Force your children to kiss and cuddle the corpse of their dead baby brother.

    Okay, that last one was just a joke! Oh, wait… apparently it wasn't. Yikes.

    Well, it looks like Sununu has some pretty big shoes to fill between now and November. Of course if he doesn't feel up to the job, he could always transfer his "This Cycle's Santorum" award to Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK), who is also going to lose and will gladly offer up a "man on dog" slur to anyone willing to illegally remodel his house!


    Tags: Congressional Confidential
  • Barely Legal!

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

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    Ah, Youth! The 2008 elections have seen an unprecedented number of Congressional candidates who are closer in age to the Pages than they are to the stereotypically ancient Washington politician!

    As it currently stands, 32-year-old Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC) is the youngest member of Congress. But given the many issues directly affecting The Young — the proposed revival of the draft, reductions in federal aid for college, the potential execution of Hannah Montana on pornography charges — this may soon change! Here are some of the contenders for your new Youngest Member of Congress:

    Candidate Main Issues Odds of Winning


    Aaron Schock, a 26-year-old Republican running in Illinois' 18th Congressional District.
    Has pledged to pass legislation that forbids abortions financed by Medicare money, using the savings to purchase a Wii for every freshman in Congress. After initially having no candidate in the race against Schock, the Democrats recently drafted a self-described "farm broadcaster" to run. Advantage: Schock.


    Josh Segall, a 29-year-old Democrat running in Alabama's 3rd Congressional District.
    Announced just today following ridicule from our website. Segall is running against three-term incumbent Republican Mike Rogers, who was recently ranked as the 402nd most influential member of Congress (out of 435). Advantage: Rogers.


    Sam Rasoul, a 26-year-old Democrat running in Virginia's 6th Congressional District.
    Has proposed expanding federal alternative energy programs, withdrawing troops from Iraq as quickly as possible, and declaring March 11th to be a national holiday commemorating the Dave Matthews Band. Rasoul is running against popular 8-term Republican incumbent Bob Goodlatte, who last won reelection with 75% of the vote, despite being sued for copyright infringement by Starbucks. Advantage: Goodlatte.


    William Charles Cole Claiborne, a 233-year-old Democrat-Republican running in Tennessee's 1st District.
    Claiborne has returned from beyond the grave to reclaim his mantle as the youngest member of Congress ever (elected in 1796 at age 22). Claiborne previously dodged the Constitutional provision that all members of Congress must be at least 25 years old, so he may also be able to get past the amendment requiring them to be currently alive.

    Tags: Congressional Confidential