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  • Joe Arpaio Discovers GOP Link in Obama Birth Certificate Cover-Up

    Gruff Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio — the Orly Taitz of gruff Arizona sheriffs — wants answers! He demands to know why Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum have been ignoring the real pressing issue of the day: Barack Obama's obviously forged birth certificate.

    Though, he's starting to think he might have a clue: It's a conspiracy!

    Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio is disturbed that the Republican presidential candidates haven't supported his quixotic effort to get to the bottom of President Obama’s birth certificate, and is beginning to wonder if they’re part of the cover up…

    "I've had presidential candidates visit me in my office. I’ve talked to every one of them… I don't see anybody talking about this. I don't see any senators talking about it. But when the mention me, they seem to forget my name. So, isn't that interesting? On both sides of the fence, they don't want to talk about it… How come everybody’s hiding this?"

    Yes, a very good question, Sheriff Arpaio. How come, indeed?! Could it be that the President has bribed them?

    With werewolf money!

    What is werewolf money? Is that something i just made up? Would you use it to buy werewolves themselves or to buy thing for werewolves? And what would Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum need to buy for a werewolf? I don't know… I don't know!

    Look, Sheriff Arpaio and I are just asking questions here. We're not making any actual accusations. We just want to know why nobody is talking about this.


    Related: Arizona Sheriff Declares President's Birth Certificate a Fraud

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Conspiracies, Joe Arpaio
  • Meet Vicky Hartzler, the Laziest Birther in Congress

    To date,  Missouri Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler has been best known for comparing same-sex marriage to incest, polygamy and the issuance of driver licenses to 3-year-olds.

    Now, Hartzler is an emerging contender for the title of world's laziest birther, an honor accorded to conspiracy theorists who maximize their nuttery regarding Barack Obama's Hawaiian birth, while minimizing efforts to confirm or deny their theories. Hartzler's comments came after a constituent and a local paper asked for the congresswoman's comments on Sheriff Joe Arpaio's investigation of Obama's origins

    I don't know, I haven't seen it. I'm just at the same place you are on that. You read this, you read that. But I don't understand why he didn't show that right away. I mean, if someone asked for my birth certificate, I'd get my baby book and hand it out and say 'Here it is,' so I don't know.

    I have doubts that it is really his real birth certificate, and I think a lot of Americans do, but they claim it is, so we are just going to go with that.

    Hartzler's press secretary told reportershis boss was merely parroting the views of the people who elected her, and Hartzler herself tried to explain that she was simply stating that "that this issue has been raised by many," but I think this see-no-birth-certificate approach represents a helpful metaphysical breakthrough.

    I, for one, doubt that there really is a person named Vicky Hartzler. You read this, you read that about her comparisons of same-sex marriage to pedophilia. But I don't understand why I haven't seen a Wikipedia entry or a Roll Call profile for her. Granted, I haven't looked for evidence of Hartzler's existence, but if someone asked me if I really existed, I'd go up to them and say 'Here I am,' so I don't know.

    I have doubts that there's someone as awful as Vicky Hartzler out there, and I think a lot of Americans do too, but some of these blog posts claim she exists, so I guess we are just going to go with that.


    Related: Sheriff Joe Arpaio Discovers Massive Conspiracy Against Him

    Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Conspiracies, House of Representatives, Joe Arpaio, Missouri, Vicky Hartzler
  • Donald Trump Begs World to Take Him Even Less Seriously

    Donald TrumpDonald Trump — who thinks that windmills are "disgusting," remains unconvinced that Barack Obama was born in the United States and fires people professionally on national television — has a problem. Despite all his best efforts, he's still dogged by an annoying residue of respectability. Man, what does a guy gotta do to become a complete laughing stock?

    You've got to admit, at this point it does seem fairly impossible for Donald Trump to make himself even more ridiculous than he already is. Oh wait, what's this?

    In a Monday interview on Fox News, the reality star explained that a series of casual observations had led him to the conclusion that "monster" vaccinations cause autism.

    Well, played, Mr. Trump. Well played.

    "I've gotten to be pretty familiar with the subject," Trump said. "You know, I have a theory — and it's a theory that some people believe in — and that's the vaccinations. We never had anything like this. This is now an epidemic. It's way, way up over the past 10 years. It's way up over the past two years. And, you know, when you take a little baby that weighs like 12 pounds into a doctor's office and they pump them with many, many simultaneous vaccinations — I'm all for vaccinations, but I think when you add all of these vaccinations together and then two months later the baby is so different then lots of different things have happened. I really — I've known cases."

    Unfortunately, I don't think that this is going to have the desired result for Trump. Unfortunately, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, there are still a depressing number of people out there will continue to hang on to thing threads of respect for Trump after this. I mean, even Michele Bachmann wasn't able to completely destroy her career by dropping the vax bomb.

    How about loud nudity and public masturbation? That idea's got some potential.

    Photo by Ray Tamarra/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

    Tags: Birthers, Conspiracies, Donald Trump, Health, Science & Technology
  • Sheriff Joe Arpaio Discovers Massive Conspiracy Against Him

    Last month, when Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio held that super important press conference to announce that he had a bunch of "evidence" that could prove that Barack Obama's birth certificate was a fraud, could he have possibly understood the massive risk that he was taking? Could he have known that he was making himself vulnerable to the most diabolical criminal organization that has ever been seen in this fine nation?

    I'm speaking, of course, about the U.S. media

    Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio believes that a media conspiracy "bigger than Watergate" is purposefully downplaying his volunteer posse's investigation of President Barack Obama's birth certificate…

    "The media all came to make fun of me," the sheriff said of his "birther" press conference. "I'm a little concerned that all of their questions were zeroed in on credibility and that this has been rehashed. They didn't even ask about the proof of the case. They didn't ask about the facts that we had."

    Mark my words: This is not the last you'll hear of this. Nay, this is just the beginning of MakeFunOfJoeArpaioGate.

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Conspiracies, Joe Arpaio
  • Tea Party Activists Foil Evil UN Plot to Improve America

    Do you know about Agenda 21? I hadn't heard of it until late last week, but boy, were my eyes opened. While Americans go about their little lives like horses with blinders on, the United Nations is using Agenda 21 to destroy our country by making it a better place to live

    Across the country, activists with ties to the Tea Party are railing against all sorts of local and state efforts to control sprawl and conserve energy. They brand government action for things like expanding public transportation routes and preserving open space as part of a United Nations-led conspiracy to deny property rights and herd citizens toward cities.

    They are showing up at planning meetings to denounce bike lanes on public streets and smart meters on home appliances… In Maine, the Tea Party-backed Republican governor canceled a project to ease congestion along the Route 1 corridor after protesters complained it was part of the United Nations plot…

    The protests date to 1992 when the United Nations passed a sweeping, but nonbinding, 100-plus-page resolution called Agenda 21 that was designed to encourage nations to use fewer resources and conserve open land…In January, the Republican Party adopted its own resolution against what it called “the destructive and insidious nature” of Agenda 21.

    Bike lanes! High-speed rail! Energy meters! Oh my God. How dare local governments propose sensible city planning initiatives! It must be a UN plot. Everyone knows that land preservation and energy conservation are just elaborate covers for European socialism. Sure, it starts with a little harmless bikeriding, but then it's only a matter of time before you're chatting about soccer and universal health care with a subway car full of scarf-wearing men

    Cher McCoy, a Tea Party member from nearby Lexington, Va., generated sustained applause when she warned: "They get you hooked, and then Agenda 21 takes over. Your rights are stripped one by one… The real job of smart meters is to spy on you and control you."

    I suppose you can't really blame these rural conservatives for being so frightened of Big Brother. After all, given their mating patterns, Big Brother might also be Big Husband or Big Uncle.

    Tags: Conspiracies, Energy & Oil, Environment, Tea Party, United Nations