Is that a lawfully-concealed handgun or is he just happy to see you? Trick question! The answer is YES, because it's time again for the Conservative Political Action Conference, creepily described by one longtime participant as "the bacchanal…when many young Republicans lose their virginity."
This year's conference promised even more awkward hilarity than usual thanks to a panel, hosted by pickup artist Wayne Elise (the "Juggler"), promising to teach horny young conservatives how to "avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation" and get the girl who has all the radiance of a non-efficient incandescent light bulb. Babes, let's caucus…
On dates, "try to outlaw questions," Elise said, prompting some quizzical looks from participants. "Say 'I'm not going to do any questions, I'm going to make statements.' Why? Because statements say something about you."
Sample statements: "You're the same height as my wife."
"When you walk up and you’re talking to the cute girl in a group don't just talk to the girl. Bring other people in." In a related tactic, should you see a hot girl in a bar do not approach — instead befriend a less attractive group and then recruit them to help you seduce her.
I believe this is the "open" approach to relationships we've heard too much about lately. But how to get from talking to showing her your long form?
One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls…to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target.
Fair enough, but don't forget to bring your sweater vest for protection and remember: it's not the size of your superPAC, it's how you use it — just ask Rick Perry.
Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: CPAC, Republicans, Sex
Does anybody know what Herman Cain was talking about in his CPAC speech this afternoon? One minute he was endorsing Joe the Plumber for Congress, and the next he was warning against "stupid people and ignorant people."
Which is it?! You're sending mixed messages here…
Former presidential candidate Herman Cain endorsed 2008 campaign mini-celebrity Joe the Plumber in his bid for Congress in a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference.
Cain said Joe the Plumber (née Wurzelbacher), is a leading proponent of his 9-9-9 tax plan — which largely fell flat with this crowd of conservative activists…
Cain used his remarks to attack the "stupid people and ignorant people are ruining America" — notably liberals.
I'll give him this. This is one subject on which Cain really is an expert…
Tags: CPAC, Economy, Herman Cain, House of Representatives, Joe the Plumber, Liberals, Ohio
Politics — as everyone knows — is not about finding common ground and working together to build a better world for everyone. No, that's socialism. Politics is about crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you and to hearing the lamentation of their constituents. Too often do modern politicians forget that.
That's probably why Sen. Jim DeMint (R-Cimmeria) chose to open this year's CPAC with a stirring heartfelt reminder to sweep the leg, Johnny…
The first major speaker at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference, an annual gathering of right-wing advocates, grassroots activists, and politicians (including 2012 contenders), was Republican Sen. Jim DeMint, who had a fundamental message for the base: compromise sucks…
Referring to last Sunday's game, he said, "I can guarantee you that coach Tom Coughlin did not tell his Giants to go out on the field and work with those other guys… They weren't cooperating with Tom Brady."
DeMint explained that the New York Giants and the New England Patriots had "different goals." Consequently, compromise would not work. Continuing with this trenchant observation, DeMint noted that "compromise works well in this world when you have shared goals." You can compromise with a wife or with a business colleague. But not with Democrats: "We don't have shared goals with the Democrats."
Happy CPAC, everyone! I'm sure it only gets better from here.
Photo by Chris Maddaloni/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Conservatives, CPAC, Football, Jim DeMint, Senate, South Carolina, Sports
* While working tirelessly to provide empirical evidence for the Colbert Bump, President Obama unearths a disturbingly more powerful force of nature.
* CPAC 2012: Gays out! White supremacists in!
* Ron Paul gets support from the purest (and oldest) form of free market capitalists.
* This is something. According to a new poll, people actually hate Congress so much these days they're willing to put Democrats back in charge. I'm assuming Cover the whole thing with gasoline and drop a match was not offered as an option.
Tags: Barack Obama, Colbert Bump, Conservatives, CPAC, Crime, Democrats, Haley Barbour, House of Representatives, LGBT, Michelle Obama, Mississippi, Polls, Pork Barrel, Racism, Senate, Stephen Colbert, Twitter
Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been found guilty of the ultimate sin among today's Republicans: treating the children of impoverished humans from foreign lands like (gasp!) actual people. What a jerk, right?
Over the weekend, the enraged grandparents of Florida punished him for this treachery by electing that nice black gentleman president of the Sunshine State. At CPAC FL, Perry trotted out a retread of his heinous answer in the last Republican presidential debate to Mitt Romney's salvo against Perry's in-state tuition allowance for the children of illegal immigrants.
Let's revisit that original exchange, shall we?
Perry signed the bill, HB 1403, in 2001 with the support of all but four legislators, making Texas the first state to grant in-state tuition to children of undocumented immigrants who have lived in the state for three years and are seeking permanent residency.
Perry's forceful defense of the legislation — he said skeptics of the bill don't "have a heart" — was the talk of conservative activists in Orlando this weekend for Presidency 5, the three-day Republican Party of Florida convention that hosted the debate.
Between his valiant attempt to prevent Texan girls from developing cervical cancer and his devotion to the idea that education can make valuable citizens of impoverished kids, Rick Perry is starting to sound suspiciously like a human being instead of a hate-spewing robot.
Someone ought to tell him that respect for science, women, and poor children just doesn't fly with today's Republican base.
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: CPAC, Florida, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Texas