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Cramming for Midterms
  • Eugene Mirman's LiveBlog: Predictions!

    8:59pm EST

    I bet most people today don’t remember when Dan Rather had to hand paint a map of the US to show us which way a district voted.

    8:47pm EST

    I hope Michael Steele’s mustache runs for president in 2012.

    8:21pm EST

    I promise not to “slut-shame” anyone, except possibly Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino — whose dick is so “flippity-floppity” (who am I quoting?), that some orthodox rabbis aren’t sure where Carl would stand on this Provincetown Halloween party:

    Also, I will now call the New York Governortorialajdfdisojfoas election. The winner is Andrew Cuomooo (that would have been a fun costume idea — a cow version of our future governor?)

    8:03pm EST

    The irony of the Delaware senate race is that Chris Coons is a warlock. That’s the secret of politics: do it, but never deny it.

    7:48pm EST

    Breaking news! John King is probably a different person from Anderson Cooper. Look!

    7:46pm EST

    If you turn on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit right now, not-surprisingly, tonight’s victim is the Democrats.

    7:26pm EST

    I would like to make one thing clear — I am not claiming these are my projected winners — I am claiming they have won. How? Well, mostly, I don’t mind being wrong. But I am not using the same complicated analysis that Wolf Blitzer and his clean-shaven friend are. I am using old-fashioned America “Super Guessing.” And “Super Guessing” is never wrong. Here are a few more predictions:

    New Mexico — Ben Ray Lujan! Congrats! I’ve always said it takes three names to win, and Ben Ray Lujan proves it. Sorry, Tom Mullins. You ran a good campaign (probably).

    Wisconsin — A surprise write-in winner! It’s Adrian Brody! (That’s not true, the winner is Ron Johnson).

    Washington — Patty Murray! Ha ha! More of the same, suckers!

    7:04pm EST

    Hello fellow Americans (and sneaky, bored Canadians)!
    It’s time to analyze the midterm election! As the night continues, you’ll quickly realize I don’t have a degree in political science, nor can I read, and my writing is often limited to 23 of the 26 letters of our wonderful alphabet.

    Even though I do not have endless television monitors, researchers, mustacheod middle-aged colleagues, and green screened backdrop of the capitol — I do have one thing that Fox, MSNBC, CNN and the major networks don’t have — a gun bottle full of tequila.

    So, with that bottle and the confidence to guesstimate, before polls have closed, I will call the following elections before any of my colleagues do:

    Kentucky — Rand Paul wins!!!! Do more Department of Education! Yey! No school tomorrow!

    California — Barbra Boxer!

    Florida — Marco Rubio!

    New York City Comptroller is… Harry Wilson!

    Okay. I will be calling elections tonight either way before they happen, or so far after the fact that it will seem like I do not understand how time works.

    Read More »

    Tags: Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Liveblog
  • Amazing True Voting Stories! – Los Angeles, California

    By Joselyn Hughes

    After pressing snooze seven times, I rolled out of bed and headed to my local polling place.
    In CA, the issues making the most waves have been Prop 19 (legalization of marijuana) and the gubernatorial race between Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman.  Because unlike the movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger cannot "come back" for another term as governor.  Yeah, I said it.

    To be honest, I kind of expected to see Prop 19 supporters standing outside the elementary cafeteria where we voted, (aka Dancing Cannabis plants, jam bands, etc.) but the only thing I found was a discarded poster.  Hopefully that person was more skilled at filling out a ballot than they were at using a Sharpie.

    And even though I hadn't been up this early since I was in high school, I managed to cast my ballot and go about my day.

    Overall, my experience was painless — almost fun — but maybe that's because I'm just getting older.  Or because I never thought I'd be voting to legalize weed.  Either/or. Happy Voting Day everyone!

    Tags: Amazing True Voting Stories!, California, Cramming for Midterms, Election Day
  • Indecision Delegate: Sara Benincasa Will Give You Your Schedule for the Day, America!

    OMG you guys you guys you guuuuuuuuys! It's Election Day! Huzzah! Whoopee! Bippity boppity bam scrammity boo! This day is so momentous that I, Sara Benincasa, your Comedy Central Indecision Delegate, must resort to a creepy pidgin semi-language of my own invention in order to express my excitement. Here I go again: blurg blarg blog VOTE!

    Here's your schedule for the day (which we would call a "shed-jewel" had our tax-hating, land-owning national ancestors not overthrown the tyrannical Mother Britain):

    1. VOTE. This is the most important thing anyone can do in the history of ever. The ghosts of dead rich white guys in wigs beckon you to the booth with whispered pleas. Shall you deny them their primary joy in their Bewigged Afterlife? (Their secondary joy is the lack of scurvy.)

    2. READ INDECISION all frickin' day to catch our scintillating, highly-informative updates and livebloggery.

    3. SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM NAKED. This only applies to hot straight guys with plans for marriage and children with a woman they hope to soon meet via the Internet. If you fit that category, you must email me said footage immediately, along with a 5-paragraph essay on a subject of your choice.

    The siren song of my local voting booth is calling my name, and like Odysseus's men I find myself unable to resist. Rather than lash myself to the prow of a boat, I'm going to give in to the seductive lure of democracy and go down to my local public elementary school cafeteria for a date with Uncle Sam.

    I hope you do the same, space kittens.

    Tags: Cramming for Midterms, Election Day, Midterms, Sara Benincasa
  • Amazing True Voting Stories! – East Bay, CA

    By Sara Gibson

    Ah, election day in the Bay Area. If you're expecting to fight your way through a crowd of protesting rebel youth, only to be greeted by a gender-neutral poll worker named Sunshine who points your way to the voting both with his/her braided armpit hair, well – no. It's actually a fairly sincere, earnest day around these parts, and if you know how many irony-loving hipsters live here, you know that's saying something. My polling place is the local middle school, a squat gray building with too little parking. Middle-aged men and women cheerfully greeted me, then debated over whether or not I needed a provisional ballot, and whether said ballot needed to be marked in some special way, since I was supposed to have voted absentee. "Here's another one that doesn't have it," one of the poll workers remarked, making me feel like a bad girl. "I guess she votes provisional?" another said. I was now imagining my vote at the bottom of a dumpster somewhere. Eventually they handed me a ballot and pointed me to a rickety, not-very-private table where I drew lines to connect arrows pointing at the candidates' names I wanted, a satisfyingly simple method. Seven minutes later, I stuffed the ballot into its envelope, dropped it into the ballot box, looked worriedly towards the poll workers now checking their PowerPoint document for instructions on handling provisional ballots, said a little prayer, grabbed my "I voted" sticker, and left.

    Ho-hum, business as usual. But here in California, it's not the polls that are chock full o' crazy, it's the ballot. The governor's race is between Meg "The eBay lady" Whitman and Jerry "Governor Moonbeam" Brown. Meg is really into running the state like a corporation, building a border fence and attack ads. Jerry used to date Linda Ronstadt. (I know! Awesome, right?) Ex Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina is running for Senate, and most seem to agree that she would be an effective, dynamic congressional leader. Of course, she wants to repeal Roe v. Wade, the health care bill and most gun-control measures. Depending on what you think of that, efficacy might not be such a good thing. And then there's a whole host of coma-inducing propositions involving redistricting, tax liabilities, marijuana legalization… whoa there. That's right, screw you Amsterdam! Prop 19 promises potential increased tax revenues in the hundreds of millions of dollars while simultaneously mellowing everybody the f*ck out. Of course, it blatantly conflicts with federal law and has some clauses written into it that might give the biggest pothead pause. But one has to step back and marvel that this great state actually has a proposition on the ballot for legalizing and regulating marijuana, something no other state has ever had the cojones to do. Like 2Pac said, California knows how to party.

    Tags: Amazing True Voting Stories!, California, Cramming for Midterms, Election Day