Oh, hi Texas. Did you finally decide to come back after trying to run away from your 49 brothers and sisters? Mom and Dad told you never to cross the Gulf of Mexico, so you just walked around the perimeter of the state with a hobo stick on your shoulder until you got hungry and decided to come back home, right? We all knew you wouldn't secede.
What's that? You'll stay on one condition? Alright, tell us what it is…
We, the Citizens of the Great State of Texas, and Dallas Cowboys fans worldwide, have been oppressed by an over controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator for way too long. Request the Executive Branch’s immediate assistance in removal of owner and GM, Jerry Jones. His incompetence and ego have not only been an extreme disappointment for way too long, but moreover, it has caused extreme mental and emotional duress.
Another money-hungry windbag is trying to exert control over "America's team" even though he has become highly unpopular? Move over, Grover Norquist.
Photo by Streeter Lecka/Staff/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Cuba, Guantanamo Bay, Sports, Texas
Hugo Chávez recently got some attention for insulting Barack Obama, so naturally Fidel Castro had to wobble to his feet and prove that he's still the cream of the outrageous Latin-American ruling-class crop. And the roughly Mr. Burns-aged autocrat began to offer his thoughts on the GOP race…
"The selection of a Republican candidate for the presidency of this globalized and expansive empire is — and I mean this seriously — the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been," he wrote, according to The Associated Press.
You mean to tell me the Republicans have lost the radical communist revolutionary voting bloc? Fidel, you're turning my world upside-down.
Also, Castro, you're just wrong. This primary season has been anything but a celebration of ignorance. Yes, Rick Perry bragged about graduating near the bottom of his class a few times. Yes, Herman Cain said that thing about Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan. And, yes, Michele Bachmann was Michele Bachmann.
But those people are long gone. All that's left now is a guy who thinks Bain Capital is a real person and another guy who thinks asking his second wife for an open marriage makes him normal.
Plus two other guys who aren't going to win.
Photo by Handout/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Cuba, Fidel Castro, Primaries, Republicans
Herman Cain, after taking a bite of a croqueta in Miami's Little Havana…
"How do you say 'delicious' in Cuban?"
I'm guessing it's probably etymologically related to the way you'd say it in Mexican and Guatemalan. Probably closest to Puerto Rican, though.
Tags: Cuba, Florida, Food, Grammar, Herman Cain, Primaries, Quote Unquote, Republicans
Fortunately for Marco Rubio, he is a handsome, up-and-coming star within the Republican Party, whose Cuban roots have a particular appeal in South Florida and assisted his rise to national prominence.
Unfortunately for Marco Rubio…
He was the son of exiles, [Rubio] told audiences, Cuban Americans forced off their beloved island after "a thug," Fidel Castro, took power. But a review of documents — including naturalization papers and other official records — reveals that Rubio's dramatic account of his family saga embellishes the facts. The documents show that Rubio’s parents came to the United States and were admitted for permanent residence more than 2 1/2 years before Castro's forces overthrew the Cuban government and took power on New Year's Day 1959.
Wait, who cares? Family histories are complicated. I'm sure once Rubio updated his website to reflect the reality of his family's story, we could stop worrying about the exact date of his parents' departure and just acknowledge that Senator Rubio, no matter what you think of his politics, represents some of the best of the immigrant experience. Except Rubio won't let it go…
… The story's the same one. Like I said, are there dates that are different, that we were wrong, because I didn't know. I mean, we're talking about things that happened 15 years before I was even born.
But, the bottom line is, the story is essentially the same one, and I think it's been blown way out of proportion by some people in the media.
I think I know why this matters so much. According to some, if you escaped from Castro's Cuba after the Revolution, you're a sexy anti-communist exile, ready to work hard and defend freedom. But if you emigrated from Cuba while Castro was still hanging out in Mexico, you're just another Hispanic immigrant, coming to steal our jobs and take our welfare (somehow at the same time).
In fact, there's one U.S. Senator who has become particularly adept at distinguishing between different kinds of deserving and undeserving immigrants.
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Cuba, Fidel Castro, Florida, Immigration, Marco Rubio, Republicans
Go Out And Hug A Republican Today: Former Gore consiglierie Robert Shrum gives the GOP the goon hand. Seems Mr. Shrum thinks the hysterical Republicans are becoming so irrelevant, they're basically the mini-disc of politics. [theweek.com]
Fat People In Muu-Muus With Cameras To Spread Democracy: The commie Cubans will covet our crocs, and then, democracy will bloom. New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof really, really wants President Obama to ease tourism restrictions on Third World Florida. [nytimes.com]
Incompetent Wall Street Warriors Suddenly Competent: Don't call it a comeback! Okay, maybe a little one. Henry Blodget highlights Goldman Sachs recent feats of financial derring-do, as they scramble for profits, and try to pay back Uncle Sam. Good luck! [businessinsider.com]
Franken Wins Senate Race, For, Like Third Time: Blogger Hilzoy to Republican Norm Coleman: it's time to give up the ghost! Ol' Cole could appeal a recent courts decision to declare SNL funnyman Al Franken Senator of Minnesota. But, man, that would be pathetic. [washingtonmonthly.com]
Tags: Al Franken, Cuba, Republicans, The Blog Hole, Wall Street