David Axelrod's Mustache Is Stepping Down

It's difficult to overstate the enormity the White House's upcoming loss, but President Barack Obama will be losing one of his greatest strategists and advisors next Friday, December 7th.

I speak, of course, of the facial hair that currently resides upon David Axelrod's upper lip…

Last month, Earlier Axelrod said he would shave if one of [MSNBC's Joe] Scarborough's election predictions came true: That Republican Mitt Romney would carry either Pennsylvania, Michigan or Minnesota. Obama won all three.

Axelrod also said he would submit to a shave if Scarborough and co-host Mika Brzezinski raised more than $1 million for Axelrod's charity, Citizens United for Research in Epilepsy — and they did.

No word yet whether the mustache will be replaced with a Van Dyke style beard or, perhaps, some thick mutton chop sideburns. Or maybe just a face full of unkempt stubble. Really we're all just speculating at this point. All we really do know is that whatever form of facial hair takes up the gauntlet from the iconic mustache will have some pretty big shoes to fill.

David Axelrod — the mustache's host — is also stepping out of the political arena to begin working with the University of Chicago for whatever that's worth.

Photo by Doug Mills/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: David Axelrod, Joe Scarborough

David Axelrod's Mustache Hangs in Election's Balance

Politicians on both sides have told us this is the most important election in a generation. Way more important than the one four years ago that was the most important one in a generation.

I didn't think the stakes could get any higher than "most important," but they just did: David Axelrod and Joe Scarborough have placed a facial-hair related bet on the election…

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Tags: Barack Obama, David Axelrod, Joe Scarborough, Mitt Romney

Quote Unquote: Half in the Bag

David Axelrod on the redness of North Carolina, Virginia, and Florida…

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"Anybody who thinks those states are in the bag is half in the bag themselves."

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That may be the case, but if you think North Carolina is going to tip toward Obama at this point then you are probably on some sort of strong hallucinogenic. Because, really, what is blue or red anyway? They're just illusions. Everything is an illusion. Oh my God, all of life is nothing more than a puff of illogical imagination emanating from David Axelrod's mustache?

When your really think about it, that's about as likely as Obama taking N.C.

Tags: David Axelrod, Florida, North Carolina, Quote Unquote, Virginia

David Axelrod Promises They'll Do Better Next Time

Despite all the very sad-face-inducing spin coming from the Obama camp, it would appear that they have acknowledged that maybe things didn't go so well for their team last night. But don't worry. David Axelrod promises some changes in tack for next time…

David Axelrod, Obama’s senior campaign strategist, said they are going to take "a hard look" at Obama’s debate performance and that they’ll "have to make some judgments about where to draw the lines in these debates and how to use our time."

"It's like a playoff in sports," Axelrod said to reporters on a conference call, adding that there are strategic judgments "that have to be made and we’ll make them."

Now, I don't know if David Axelrod reads this blog, but I assume he does because I have very little sense of reality. That said, I have a small strategic suggestion: Next time, tell Obama to try to win. It's a left field idea, I know. But sometimes you've got to do crazy stuff to throw people off their games.

Oh, also: Absolutely no sleeping pills before the debate!

Photo by Doug Mills/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, David Axelrod, Debates

Our Endorsements: The Onion's Guide to Mitt Romney

* The Onion's guide to Mitt Romney uncovers his many layers.

* Martin Short tells Letterman about his political faux pas.

* Obama is Snoopy and Romney is Charlie Brown. It works.

* Debate performances of elections past, to warm up your cringe muscle.

* Allen West is not normal, from Hahajk.

* College Humor defines Mitt Romney Style.

* Stephen Colbert talks to George Stephanopoulos about his new book and giant sodas.

* And here he is 15 years ago on Good Morning America. Hasn't aged a bit!

* We hope Romney uses some of his improv training during the debate.

* McSweeney's goes over the formats for Presidential and Vice-Presidential debates.

Tags: Allen West, David Axelrod, David Letterman, Debates, George Stephanopoulos, Good Morning America, Martin Short, Mitt Romney, Stephen Colbert, Tweet Untweet, Twitter, vice president