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David Paterson
  • David Paterson Will Not Seek Losing Election This Fall

    It appears as though unpopular and un-re-electable New York Governor David Paterson has decided to not anti-seek un-re-election (although, to be fair, he was never actually elected to begin with, so he can really only not anti-seek un-re-inauguration, techically speaking)…

    Paterson has been under fire for having contacted a woman who accused one of his top aides of domestic violence.

    The source said the governor has agreed not to seek election, but he will not resign – opting to serve out the remainder of his term.

    The decision clears the way for Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, who is the favorite of many Democrats, to seek the nomination unimpeded.

    I think it's kind of unfair to imply that this "aide domestic violence scandal" is what's finally sinking Paterson's chances in November. The larger and slower-burning "being a pretty much just shitty governor scandal" probably has a lot more to do with it.

    At any rate, as far as I'm aware, Andrew Cuomo doesn't yet have a sex scandal in the cooker. So, he'd better get on that shit. We have expectations for our governors.

    Tags: Andrew Cuomo, David Paterson, New York
  • The David Paterson Bombshell Drops in the New York Times

    Here it is! The nuclear political bombshell that didn't exist now exists on the internet, where everyone can read it, and also on paper where everyone can have nostalgic feelings about paper.

    Ready? We're going to read the New York Times David Paterson scandal story right now. This is going to be so juicy. Okay, first off, we have the headline at the top of the webpage: "Paterson's Ex-Driver, David W. Johnson, Is a Top Confidant." Oooh. Wait. Huh?

    There's more: "Paterson Aide's Quick Rise Draws Scrutiny." What? Who is this guy? And draws scrutiny by whom?

    By the New York Times, apparently, which goes on to inform us that one of David Paterson's aides earns a substantial salary, travels with the governor, faced drug charges as a teenager and has thrice been accused of harassment, although no charges are pending, no arrests were made and no investigations are underway. It sounds like maybe one of David Paterson's aides was involved in some domestic disputes that may or may not have included verbal or physical assaults? Nobody seems to know for sure, not even the New York Times, whose reporters relied on unnamed sources and obtained very little in the way of specific information.

    What a disappointment for modern journalism. I mean, come on. We were promised penises. Where are the penises?

    Tags: David Paterson, New York Times, Scandalgate
  • Our David Paterson Penis Story Is in the Mail

    Our friend Sara Benincasa — whom some of you might know as "The Other Sarah Palin" — had a late night exchange with NYT writer Marc Ambinder, via Twitter, after he reported that our David Paterson red meat was being held off until Thursday.

    Understandably perturbed, she initially wrote

    Where the HELL is my David Paterson fuckstory, @nytimes?!?! Just tell us he fingerbangs cavebears, and the Klan. #jesus

    Which she followed with

    @marcambinder Marc, I'm going to be honest. If I don't get my Valentine in the form of a Paterson cock bombshell, I'm giving up on you.

    To which, Ambinder responded

    @SaraJBenincasa I'll do my best

    So, there you have it. New York Times journalist Marc Ambinder is working on a "Paterson cock bombshell," and we all have Sara to thank.

    Thanks, Sara. I'll think of you every time I see David Paterson's cock in print.

    Tags: David Paterson, New York Times, Sara Benincasa, Scandalgate, Sex, Twitter
  • David Paterson Won't Resign over a New York Times Story That Doesn't Exist Yet

    david-paterson-vertThe hubris of this guy! We've all heard the rumors of rumors, but David Paterson stands defiant

    David Paterson called a press conference (nominal subject: snow) after his interview this afternoon with The New York Times's Albany bureau, effectively to declare an end to the speculation that the Times is about to break a scandalous story and to chastise the press for its feeding frenzy.

    "I was interviewed for that piece. No such questions related to any of that information was asked of me at any interview," he said of a haze of allegations involving drug use and dalliances.

    [...] And Paterson declared in the most colorful terms that he'll be seeking reelection.

    "The only way I'm not going to be governor next year is at the ballot box, and the only way I'm leaving before that is in a box," Paterson said.

    Sure, buddy. You know how the saying goes: Where there's smoke, there's more smoke. And then there's either a fire or a mirror.

    The point is, smoke is bad.

    Tags: David Paterson, New York, New York Times, Scandalgate
  • I Can't Wait to Find Out What David Paterson's Non-Scandal Isn't

    David Paterson's office is denying rumors that the New York governor is planning to resign following a hugely unimportant sex non-scandal that isn't not currently about to not break.

    I'm sorry, but that's really the most concise way to explain this

    New York Gov. David Paterson's office made the rounds to major news outlets Monday to shoot down rumors the governor is planning to step down in the wake of a "bombshell" New York Times story about to be published that is so scandalous he can't politically survive it.

    The governor is reportedly expected to do an interview with the Times on Tuesday, but his staff insists there's no there there.

    So, there's nothing for Paterson to discuss with the New York Times, and that's what he's presumably planning to tell them when he sits down to discuss things with them? I don't know about you, but I'm putting my money on there being a there there.

    What is the deal with Albany? I had no idea that place was such pit of debaucherous.You'd never guess it from actually being in the town. When you're actually sitting in that place, you feel like you're where Happiness goes to nurse its sorrows at an Applebee's bar.

    Tags: David Paterson, Elliot Spitzer, New York, Scandalgate, Sex