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David Paterson
  • David Paterson Slyly Adds Turtle, Drama and E to the Payroll

    You ever have one of those days in which you're repeatedly awestruck by the genius of our elected officials?

    Of course you have. It's called today

    [New York] Gov. [David] Paterson's security detail has been doubled in the last year for what are being called "political" reasons, and is now bigger than the entire State Police force patrolling Long Island, troopers have told The Post.

    "The governor wants to have an entourage — three or four cars — wherever he goes because he thinks it makes him look more gubernatorial, it helps him politically," contended a senior official with firsthand knowledge of the situation.

    This is a very savvy move on Paterson's part. This is 120 percent guaranteed to work.

    Just look at how this strategy made Snoop Dogg into the political powerhouse he is today.

    Tags: David Paterson, New York
  • It's David Paterson's Party, and He'll Suck It into His Sinkhole of Failure If He Wants

    David Paterson may be New York's first blind, black, sex-swinging governor (I think, though I should double-check), but that clearly has secured him a place in The Fuck You State's heart.

    Though he's still slightly more popular than fellow New Yorker Bernie Madoff, his handling of state affairs in our current Dust Bowl era has led a number of Democrats — including, supposedly, Barack Obama — to wonder if maybe he shouldn't just fuck off or something before what's looking to be a tough gubernatorial race and not suck the rest of the state's Dems into his massive neutron-star-quality gravitational field of suck.

    And don't think that Paterson can't hear the murmuring

    Paterson said Sunday on NBC's "Meet the Press" that Obama never directly asked him to step aside, and he wouldn't discuss what presidential aides may have told him confidentially. But the legally blind governor added he's heard the message from Democrats in New York and Washington: "I'm blind, I'm not oblivious."

    Haha. You see what he did there? He's saying that, although his optic nerves are unable to transmit information from his retina to all the visual centers of his brain for processing, it does not follow that he is lacking a conscious awareness of situation in which he has found himself as of late. You see, because the two functions are not linked. That's a joke!

    Anyway, he may be blind, but that doesn't mean that New York Democrats can't go and fuck themselves sideways…

    "But I am running for governor," he said. "I don't think I am a drag on the party. I think I'm fighting for the priorities of my party."

    On the bright side, though, he didn't pay for sex with a fellow consenting adult.

    Tags: Barack Obama, David Paterson, Democrats, New York
  • New Yorkers Would Prefer Their Governor Frequent Hookers Than Be David Paterson

    Poor Governor Paterson. This kind of rejection has to be hard on a guy's sense of self respect. (Good thing not having any is a prerequisite for higher office in New York State.)

    Fourteen months after being elevated to the governor’s job, David A. Paterson is deeply unpopular among New Yorkers, who doubt his ability to grapple with the state’s increasingly bleak economic situation, according to a poll by The New York Times, Cornell University and NY1 News…

    Mr. Paterson is now less popular in the state than his predecessor, Eliot Spitzer, who resigned in disgrace after being identified as the client of a prostitution ring. Only 21 percent of New York voters say they have a favorable view of Mr. Paterson; 26 percent have a favorable view of Mr. Spitzer.

    Yeah, well, of course. I mean, at least Spitzer was doing something to help stimulate the state's economy. And here's Paterson, who hasn't so much as paid for a hand job from a tranny.

    Don't think we're not paying attention, Governor.

    Tags: David Paterson, Economy, Eliot Spitzer, New York
  • Stephen Colbert Makes His Own Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

    There's a strong wind blowing in from the east. And a stronger wind blowing from the west. Before long, the winds will be blowing each other.

    And I am afraid.

    The same-sex chickens truly have come home to gentrify their roost.

    Tags: Christianity, David Paterson, Eliot Spitzer, Iowa, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Massachusetts, Mormon, National Organization for Marriage, New York, Religion, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Vermont
  • Kirsten Gillibrand Can Look Like She Believes Whatever You Want Her to Look Like She Believes

    It's quite possible that Kirsten Gillibrand was not in fact chosen by David Paterson for her similarities to her predecessor Hillary Clinton, as I speculated last week.

    No, it might be that she was chosen for her similarities to whatever Democratic ideal the Democrats want her to look similar to…

    "Her views will evolve," Chuck Schumer offered, bluntly, as she stood next to him at a press conference, noting his own evolutionary embrace of agricultural subsidies when his district expanded beyond Brooklyn.

    Today, David Paterson offered his expectation that Gillibrand will "review some of the points of view that she has, as they apply to her new constituency."

    You want her to make a complete 180-degree U-turn on her support for the NRA? Give her five minutes. Want her to believe that Guantanamo Bay should be relocated to Saratoga, New York? Give her a mop, some fishing line, Elmer's glue and a vocoder.

    She can totally make this happen.

    Tags: Chuck Schumer, David Paterson, Kirsten Gillibrand, New York, Senate