New Head of CENTCOM Gen. James Mattis Loves His Job, Which Is Killing People

Sara Benincasa vlog-troduces us to the man who will likely replace Gen David Petraeus as the newest head of U.S. Central Command, 4-star General James N. Mattis…

Tags: Afghanistan, David Petraeus, James Mattis, Military, Stanley McChrystal

Colbert Interviews Rolling Stone Reporter Michael Hastings

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen spoke with Michael Hastings, the reporter from Rolling Stone who single-handedly took down General Stanley McChrystal. I have to be honest, I haven't read the article, because I get all my music news from Pitchfork. They had an explosive article about a General last week too, but you've never heard of him.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, David Petraeus, Rolling Stone, Stanley McChrystal, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Colbert on the Afghan War's Big Comeback

As Stephen Colbert pointed out on last night's Colbert Report, the Afghan War is back! Following the removal of General Stanley McChrystal, the nine-year-old conflict is so hot right now. It's like Ke$ha, but with a lower body count.

Jon Stewart's take can be found below.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

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Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, David Petraeus, Stanley McChrystal, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

You Know What They Say: Breaking Up (With the Leader of the Nation's Counter-Insurgency Efforts in Afghanistan) Is Hard to Do

[Note from Dennis: Last week, I made a joke (not a joke) about how jealous I was that Indecision friend Sara Benincasa would be providing a weekly column to Wonkette. Well, whine and you shall receive, apparently. I'm happy to say that -- after some stiff negotiations with a lot of people in suits yelling at a lot of other people in suits and at least one man with a briefcase being reduced to tears -- Sara is going to be joining us at Indecision on a daily basis.]

As you've probably heard, this week President Barack Obama found out that Gen. Stanley McChrystal — commander of U.S. troops in Afghanistan — was totally not as into their romance as he’d thought. This obviously came as a crushing blow to Obama’s feelings, because even when you know a relationship is kind of troubled, you still don’t want to admit it to yourself, right? But then your bitchy gay friend, the one who dated that poor girl in the band for so long and then ditched her to fellate that guy who helps make the costumes for the spring musical, tells everybody that your boyfriend has been talking shit about you and your friends to his bro-dawgs. At that point, you have to do something, or else everyone at school will think you’re not a good friend and that you’re totally just desperate to keep your man around.

But then Stan was all, “Evs, you can’t dump me, I’m dumping you” and broke up with Barry in a note!!!!! But the note was actually kind of good, because Stan admitted that he’d been a total dick and that he didn’t deserve to be Barry’s rough-trade military-industrial boyfriend anymore.

Obama was real classy about it afterwards, and then he immediately jumped into something new with Gen. David Petraeus, because he’s afraid to be alone.  Also, everybody says Petraeus is totally dreamy and probably a great lay…

"General Petraeus, 57, brings an extraordinary set of skills to his new job: a Boy Scout’s charm, penetrating intelligence and a ferocious will to succeed. At ease with the press and the public, and an adept negotiator, General Petraeus will probably distinguish himself from his predecessor with the political skills that carried him through the most difficult months of the counteroffensive in Iraq known as the surge.

And that’s great and all, but doesn’t Obama need, you know, some time to heal from that messy breakup? You can’t really love someone else until you deeply know and love yourself. It would probably be better for everybody if Obama just made himself Generalissimo of Eternity and personally ran the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, plus Central Command, plus all the branches of the Armed Forces. By not doing this, he fails to fufill the promise of that will.i.am video.

The precious Youth Vote is now lost, forever.

Tags: Afghanistan, Barack Obama, David Petraeus, Military, Sara Benincasa, Stanley McChrystal

Rumor Mill: Sandra Bullock Will Win The Troops Choice for "Entertainer of the Year" at Spike's Guys Choice Awards

Obviously, the important political news that everybody is talking about today is speculation over who will win The Troops Choice for "Entertainer of the Year" at Spike's Guys Choice Awards this Sunday at 10pm / 9c. (Joe Barton apologizing to a British mega-corporation on behalf of America is yesterday's news. Literally.)

A lot of people think it might be The Situation's year. Others think that blue lady from Avatar will be taking home the golden antlers. The long money is on that guy who pretends to be a yo-yo expert to get on television soft news shows. But I happen to have it on good authority that the winner will be none other than America's sweetheart Sandra Bullock.

Why do I say that? Well, I've been following the trade papers (the "troop" papers, I mean*), calling in favors from people I know at the White House and at Spike, rummaging through General Petraeus' garbage. Also, I saw this video on Spike's website…

Good work, The Troops! You all got together and voted for somebody who seems like a pretty classy lady.

.

^{* Huh?}

Tags: David Petraeus, Military, Spike