Get Your War On Just Got Its War Back On!

David Rees discontinued his web comic on January 20th, 2009, the day that all of America's problems were forever solved and the world itself was made whole again. Unfortunately, since then, everything still continued it's spiraling descent down the toilet of reality. Oh well.

Now, however, we no longer have to deal with real life sans the bilious observations of the GYWO players, because Rees just brought the comic back in the pages (and e-pages) of New York Magazine…

Read the whole thing.

Martha Coakley Goes Bowling

David Rees — of the Get Your War On Reeses — wants you to pick the help finish this piece of topical political humor…

Martha Coakley and her friends went bowling to celebrate her electoral defeat. (If she had won, she might've had to interact with people with bad teeth, and maybe even shake their hands.) After a few frames, Coakley's friends noticed she didn't seem interested in the game. Sometimes she'd roll her ball right into the gutter; other times, when it was her turn, she'd wave her hand and say, "Somebody else can do it."

Eventually the game reached its climax: Coakley's team was down by nine points. It was Coakley’s turn. The game rested on her shoulders. She picked up her ball, shuffled to the line, squinted at the distant pins, and said "___________."

You can choose from five different punchlines here.

Joe Lieberman Walks Into a Bar

David Rees — author of the dearly departed Get Your War On comic — is, I guess, blogging on True/Slant these days. (That's one of those websites that I should go to more, but that I don't, because I so rarely get to read the entire Internet these days.)

Anyway, yesterday he posted 10 Jokes About Joe Lieberman and His Threat to Filibuster Any Health Care Bill Which Includes a Public Option, and — I'm gonna level with you here — you need to read them…

1. Joe Lieberman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, we don’t serve bitter old egomaniacs here. And fuck your stupid parrot."

2. Joe Lieberman walks into a second bar. The second bartender says, "Get out." Joe Lieberman says, "Why? Can't I buy a drink?" The second bartender says, "Don’t you get it? Everybody hates you."

3. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Joe.
Joe who?
Joe Lieberman.
Get off my doorstep, you asshole.

I heard that second one back in grade school. But the others were new!

Seven more over here.

Questions Rep. Joe Barton Should Have Asked Secretary Stephen Chu

As I'm sure you're aware, the world is still reeling from the total intellectual ass-kicking that Rep. Joe Barton gave that pencil-neck geek Energy Secretary Stephen Chu the other day when he asked him to explain how all that Texas-style oil got underneath the Alaska-style ground.

Obviously, Chu retreated into a whole bunch of sciencey kind of bullshit which was obvious bullshit science stuff — totally embarrassing himself — and Rep. Barton walked away as the smartest man in the 6,000 year history of the Earth.

Anyway, Get Your War On's old author David Rees doesn't think Barton should have been so merciful as to stop there, and suggests a number of other questions that Chu needed to be asked…

"Why can't I see the wind? Is it made of ghosts?"

"How did all that water get in the ocean?"

"How come sometimes when I look at a cloud, it reminds me of a shape, like a horse or an airplane or something?"

"How come things are all different colors?"

"If solar power is so great, why isn't there a Psalm in the Bible that says, 'Solar power is so great / that is my honest opinion, sayeth the Lord'?"

"If global warming is so real, how come I had never heard of it until people started talking about it?"

"How did this thumb on the end of my arm get stuck up my ass?"

Luckily for Chu, Barton doesn't like to flaunt his brainial superiority.

Getting Killed by Volcanoes for America!

That "volcano monitoring" remark in Bobby Jindal's speech the other night may have passed a lot of people by without making much of an impression.

David Rees (formerly of Get Your War On) is not one of those people…

Did you know the USA government wants to spend your money on something called "Volcano Monitoring?" Are you kidding me?

Like Jindal said, "Americans can do anything," and that includes monitoring our own damn volcanoes. Seriously, how hard can it be? It's probably like ice fishing. Just get some binoculars and some graph paper and a thermometer and sit around looking at a stupid volcano and every once in a while, write down some data, like, "The volcano is still sitting there, lookin' like an off-brand mountain with a hole in it. 10 + 50 – 20. Pie chart."…

Ladies and gentlemen, Americans can do anything! Let's prove it to the world! LET'S ALL GET KILLED BY VOLCANOES!

I don't know about you, but I regret that I have but one life to get killed by a volcano.