It's hard to tell who is the true winner in this scenario: Bob Turner, who will be the first Republican to represent the district in nearly a century; or Anthony Weiner, who has managed to show his penis to so many more women than he ever could have dreamed possible. It's kinda too close to call.
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Tags: Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, Bob Turner, David Weprin, House of Representatives, Jon Stewart, New York, New York City, The Daily Show, Video
The weiner-wary* Ninth Congressional District of New York, disproportionately populated by Orthodox Jews and working-class Catholics, went to the polls yesterday and elected the only candidate capable of restoring dignity and honor to an elected office besmirched by Anthony Weiner's sexy Twittering.
That candidate: Republican Bob Turner, a retired television executive who has already elevated the nation's political discourse with his creation of "The Jerry Springer Show."
Wait, what? How does a Republican win 54% of the vote in a district that had been held by the Democrats since the Warren Harding administration?
Theory #1: Blame it all on THE JEWS…
But Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida, the chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, said the district’s large concentration of Orthodox Jews made it unusual and meant the race had few national ramifications.
"In this district, there is a large number of people who went to the polls tonight who didn't support the president to begin with and don’t support Democrats — and it’s nothing more than that," she said in a telephone interview.
Well, that should make Democrats feel better. Not like any Jewish voters ever make their home in a certain wang-shaped swing state…
Theory #2: "David Weprin," the Democrat with two-decades of public service experience who managed to lose a district Barack Obama carried by 11%, is Hebrew for "Martha Coakley." Though instead of insulting Red Sox nation, Weprin brought his own unique brand of incompetence to the race…
Polling lurched in Turner's direction late August when Weprin, in an interview with the New York Daily News editorial board, underestimated the size of the national debt by $10 trillion, suggesting he was ignorant about the main issue of the day. Then he dropped out of a debate, citing a hurricane that had already passed through the district.
Theory #3: We called this one. President Obama is so unpopular, he's losing elections in which he's not even candidate…
"It was all Obama — not even a thought of anything else," Turner consultant Steve Goldberg said.
I can hardly wait to see how many other House seats Obama manages to lose!
* Alt headlines: "Schlong-Scarred Voters Reject Democrat," "Weiner Screws Democrats Again," "Long Reach of Weiner's Wang Whacks Weprin." Don't mind me, I can do this all day.
Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Anthony Weiner, Barack Obama, Bob Turner, David Weprin, House of Representatives, New York
You can really see why Republicans are falling over themselves to squeeze themselves into the GOP primary clown car. Not only are the president's chances of pulling off a rare incumbent loss increasing with every new day of polling, but now he's starting to lose races in which he's not even a candidate.
Remember the congressional seat in that staunchly-Democratic district of New York City that used to be represented by Anthony Weiner's vainglorious penis? Well, in the special election for that seat, Guy Who Is Unfortunate Enough to Share a Party with Obama is within striking distance of losing it all to Dude Who Is Lucky Enough to Maybe Surf the Public's Hatred of the President into a Congressional Office…
The Siena College poll, conducted early this month, showed Mr. [David] Weprin with an advantage of 6 percentage points [over Republican Bob Turner], within the margin of sampling error of plus or minus 4 points.
Suddenly Mr. Weprin's aides have ramped up fund-raising, enlisting big-name figures like Senator Joseph I. Lieberman to headline events. The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has dispatched operatives to advise the candidate. And the campaign, aided by big city unions, is drawing up an extensive field operation to turn out the vote.
Few predict a Republican upset: registered Democrats outnumber Republicans by three to one in the Ninth Congressional District. But it is not uniformly liberal… and even those closest to Mr. Weprin grudgingly describe the contest as uncomfortably competitive.
Somewhere, in an underground laboratory, our nation's top scientists are working fervently to invent exciting new races for the President to lose. I hear they're this close to creating a quantum Schrödinger's congressional seat that Obama can both lose and lose really badly.
Photo by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: Anthony Weiner, Barack Obama, Bob Turner, David Weprin, House of Representatives, New York, Polls