The Onion: House Democrats Forced to Move All Their Things Back into Disgusting Minority Locker Room

Look, it's bad enough for congressional Democrats that they've completely lost control of legislation in the House. But nobody ever talks about this…

Suffering their greatest indignity since losing their majority in the midterm elections, House Democrats were forced this week to move all their personal belongings back into the filthy and dilapidated minority locker room, disgusted representatives confirmed Monday.

"This place sucks. We have to share lockers, and the latches on the bathroom stalls don't work so you have to hold the door shut," said Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), adding that the House majority locker room has nice carpeting, leather furniture, places to hang their suits, and a Jacuzzi. "Plus, the floors are always wet, and it smells like piss. Who's pissing everywhere?"

House Democrats also reported finding a dirty pair of Champion shorts belonging to Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) and a wall covered in graffiti reading "Fuck Americans!"

Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c on Comedy Central, starting January 11.

Tags: Democrats, Dennis Kucinich, House of Representatives, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion

Dennis Kucinich Will Go Ahead and Vote for Health Care Reform After All Apparently

Rep. Dennis Kucinich has been reportedly very cut up over this whole health care thing. Should he vote for an imperfect bill and risk losing his street cred with the fantasy idealism liberals who have long been happy with his make-believe progressivism? Or should he vote against it and help the Republicans in their long term strategy of "No no no no no no no no no no no!!!"?

It was a tough call to make. Luckily, a trusted voice came along to offer him council…

[O]n Monday, as Obama spoke at a rally in Strongville, Ohio, in the congressman's suburban Cleveland district, someone in the audience called out, "Vote yes."

Obama turned to Kucinich, who was on stage for the rally and said, "Did you hear that, Dennis?"

Apparently, Dennis Kucinich did hear that. He heard that random guy in the audience loud and clear. And it turns out that that random guy in the audience's opinion was what he had been waiting for all along. Random guy in the audience's calm, even-keeled advice was as a shimmering beacon of rationality in a dark sea of confusion. And thus, Rep. Kucinich had an announcement to make…

When all the dust has settled in this health care kerfuffle, if reform is passed — as some think maybe it might sorta but not for certain — we will remember this man's bravery. His wisdom. His willingness to stand up for what he believes in. His tendency to yell things out at public events.

Random guy in audience, you will long be remembered as this media cycle's Joe the Plumber.

Tags: Barack Obama, Dennis Kucinich, Health Care, House of Representatives, Ohio

Stephen Colbert Tackles the Serious, Complicated Issue of the Ongoing Conflict in Afghanistan and How Eric Massa Is So Totally Gay

Thank God for Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) for bringing more much-needed attention to this whole Eric Massa thing…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Afghanistan, al Qaeda, Dennis Kucinich, Eric Massa, Hamid Karzai, House of Representatives, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Military, Patrick Kennedy, Rhode Island, Scandalgate, Sex, Stephen Colbert, Taliban, Terrorism, The Colbert Report

Dennis Kucinich Has Done So Very Much for the Make-Believe People

Markos Moulitsas — on Countdown with(out) Keith Olbermann last night — responded to Dennis Kucinich's promise to America that he will kill health care reform dead, but in a well-intentioned idealistic way…

Salon's Alex Koppelman responds to Moulitsas's response by quoting — right from the congressperson's own website — all the good super-idealistic legislation that Kucinich has introduced to Congress these past 13 years…

"In Congress, Kucinich has authored and co-sponsored legislation to create a national health care system, preserve Social Security, lower the costs of prescription drugs, provide economic development through infrastructure improvements, abolish the death penalty, provide universal prekindergarten to all 3, 4, and 5 year olds, create a Department of Peace, regulate genetically engineered foods, repeal the USA PATRIOT Act, and provide tax relief to working class families."

Notice that the bio never actually says whether any of that legislation actually passed. In fact, according to the web site GovTrack, of the 97 bills Kucinich has sponsored since taking office in 1997, only three have become law. 93 didn't even make it out of committee.

Yeah, but I'll have you know that according to the rules of quantum physics (as I understand them) those 93 bills are doing fantastically well in some alternate universe somewhere.

Tags: Dennis Kucinich, Health Care, Markos Moulitsas, MSNBC

Dennis Kucinich Loves Health Care Reform, But He's Not In Love with Health Care Reform

Rep. Dennis Kucinich really, really cares about passing health care reform legislation. I mean really, really, really cares. How much does Rep. Dennis Kucinich care about passing  health care reform legislation?

So much that he's willing to be the deciding vote against health care legislation. (Man, that guy's serious about passing health care legislation)…

"This bill represents a giveaway to the insurance industry," Kucinich told MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell. "$70 billion a year, and no guarantees of any control over premiums, forcing people to buy private insurance…I'm sorry, I just don't see that this bill is the solution."

Asked, "Did we just get a "no" there?" Kucinich confirmed. "If that sounded like a "no" you're correct," Kucinich said.

Pressed further, Kucinich suggested he was willing to be the deciding vote against health care reform. "Every vote counts. I'm one of 435 members of the House of Representatives," Kucinich insisted.

You have to give it to Kucinich. This is an imperfect health care bill going up before the House, and he is proving himself to be a man of principles. Strong, unwavering, stubborn principles. All of America should be thanking Dennis Kucinich for his principles. God knows we can use them.

"Principles" is a synonym for bandages and medicine, right?

Tags: Dennis Kucinich, Health Care, House of Representatives, Ohio