The Many Faces of Chuck Hagel

A man who's on the verge of becoming U.S. Secretary of Defense has reason to be excited. He will be responsible for the most powerful military force on earth! He will get to fly in helicopters whenever he wants, probably!

Yet Chuck Hagel looks like a man who has just written a very lengthy "teh darkness, it ENWARPS me" entry in his LiveJournal.

Don't believe us?

Read More »

Tucker Carlson Is Very Confused About Women in Combat

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced that the Obama administration will lift the ban on women serving in combat units, finally allowing the law to confirm to the long-standing reality that women have been operating on the front lines of America's endless wars. Panetta's decision will make women eligible for another 238,000 jobs in the military and open up a whole flood of stupid from the likes of Tucker Carlson.

Read More »

The Best Chuck Hagel v. Georg Hegel Jokes

One is a former Republican senator soon to be nominated by President Obama to lead the Department of Defense. The other was a German philosopher whose dialectical theory of history was later adopted and revised by Marxists. The Internet knew what had to be done.

Read More »

John Kerry to Be Named Secretary of Lost Dreams

There's a reason that John Kerry was chosen to play Mitt Romney in President Obama's debate practice earlier this year. The two share many qualities.

Both men are gangly awkward quasi-liberal Massachusetts millionaires who lack the capacity to speak to fellow members of the human species. That's a given. But it's also a little too obvious. To really see what they have in common you have to look deeper. Into their souls. Into their hopes and dreams and greatest desires.

And then, once you've found that one shimmering achievement, the one thing for which they've been pining more than anything else, watch as President Obama slaps it from their grasp with a loud resounding "Denied!"

Read More »

Porn Watching Missile Defense Workers Told to Keep Their Rockets Siloed

Rarely is the question asked, is that an Aegis BMD/SM-3 missile in your pants or are you just a Missile Defense Agency employee with a pornography habit? Yet this exact issue was discussed by the MDA's Executive Director John James Jr. in a memo informing defense employees that "blast-off" should not be a dirty euphemism when you work for the nation's line of defense against incoming ICBMs…

"Specifically, there have been instances of employees and contractors accessing websites, or transmitting messages, containing pornographic or sexually explicit images," James wrote in the July 27 memo obtained by Bloomberg News.

"These actions are not only unprofessional, they reflect time taken away from designated duties, are in clear violation of federal and DoD and regulations, consume network resources and can compromise the security of the network though the introduction of malware or malicious code," he wrote.

Porn is supposed to be the one sexual activity that doesn't result in infections! Yet according to one cybersecurity expert, foreign intelligence services routinely embed porn websites with code that allows them to harvest data from government computers.

At least in the moments we all die a fiery death in a North Korean nuclear attack, we will know to blame the folks in Arlington, who were focused on keeping the wrong missiles up.

Photo Handout/Getty Images News/Getty Images