Impending Apocalypse Update: Dick Cheney Lobbying for Gay Marriage

Former Vice President Dick Cheney rocked the liberal world today when news leaked that he is actually offering his support to an effort to bring marriage equality to Maryland, causing millions of civil rights activists to question their core beliefs that good things are in fact good.

You know what they say: The greatest trick the Devil ever played was offering to help lobby for gay marriage…

[Kach] also became the target of a last-minute lobby effort, and said his voice mail was full of messages from important people, including Mehlman, Bloomberg and an offer to talk with former Vice President Dick Cheney, whom Kach regards as a "great man." All three are recognized for their support of gay rights issues.

Okay, sure, one of Cheney's daughters is gay, so that might be affecting his opinion on this issue. But, on the other hand, he has an entire family full of human beings, and that hasn't done anything to increase his empathy for humanity. So, I don't know.

(via AmericaBlog)

Tags: Dick Cheney, LGBT, Marriage Equality

Dick Cheney: What's the Big Deal with Certain People Having Tons of Money and Power?

Call him old-fashioned, but Dick Cheney just doesn't get these "Occupy Wall Street" whippersnappers. They spend their whole lives playing their Nintendo games and listening to their Metallica, then they start fussing when a few unimaginably wealthy individuals and corporations start using their power to direct economic and political affairs that affect the entire nation?

Come on, give it a rest, guys…

"My problem is I look at a lot of corporate America, I think some people today, well the crew, for example, that's out at Occupy Wall Street, they see that these are all bad guys, they disagree with them and they don’t like what they do and the way they operate," [Cheney] said. "They think they've got an agenda they fundamentally disagree with."

See? The protesters just think that massive corporations have different interests and goals than us ordinary folks. And anyway, so what if some companies have a little more money and political influence?

"At what point do you say, Halliburton, you’re too big now and you don't get to wield your influence?" Cheney said. "We've got to be careful, I'm always a little bit leery of conspiracy theories."

Yeah! Big corporations aren't evil. It's not like they ever benefit from things like wars perpetrated by their former leaders.

Conspiracy theorists, am I right? What're you gonna do.

Photo by Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Corporations, Dick Cheney, Halliburton, Occupy Wall Street, Protesters

From the Pork Barrel: Palin-Cain '12

* Reality-challenged fans of Sarah Palin enmeshing themselves in fantasy world in which she and Herman Cain rule the country as benevolent overlords.

* Palin lawyers look into candidacy filing deadlines for her to blow past.

* Dick Cheney has not cried in around a decade or so. Probably since when he saw all that oil getting burnt up in Iraq.

* Joe Biden not familiar with Van Jones. Though, to be fair, he doesn't really keep up with fashion so much.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Dick Cheney, Herman Cain, Joe Biden, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Van Jones

From the Pork Barrel: Rick Perry Has Israel's Back

* Rick Perry: "As a Christian I have a clear directive to support Israel" so that it can be destroyed to support End Times prophesies.

* Rick Perry "ignores reality," says future Republican frontrunner Rick Santorum.

* $16 muffins served at Justice Department conference. Sounds bad until you hear about the $300K computer-guided sidewinder pretzels they're serving over in the Defense Department.

* Dick Cheney "worried" about U.S. leaving Afghanistan. Apparently, he stays up late at night fretting over worldwide non-suffering.

* Michele Bachmann makes yet another positive contribution to civilization.

Tags: Afghanistan, Armageddon, Christianity, Dick Cheney, Food, Israel, Michele Bachmann, Military, Money, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Religion, Republicans, Rick Perry

From the Pork Barrel: Jobs!

* President Obama announces jobs plan that does not need Congressional approval. (Wonder how he got John Boehner to sign off on that.)

* Rep. Allen West may quit Congressional Black Caucus due to its racially-tinged rhetoric against the Tea Party. (Yes, those words are in fact in the right order.)

* President Perry to impose term limits on Supreme Court justices. Well, the liberal ones at any rate.

* Joe Biden says his boss is both "bright" and "straight." What, he's not "clean" anymore?

* The Onion: New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going to Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse and There's Nothing We Can Do About It

Photo by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Allen West, Barack Obama, Books, Dick Cheney, House of Representatives, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Pork Barrel, Rick Perry, The Onion, Unemployment