In Gross Old White Guys You Don't Want to Picture Having Sex news, Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been free from his ultra-luxe downtown Manhattan apartment prison for days — more than enough time for you to call him up and ask him for a date!
Now, ABC News Online has put together a marvelous little story about five DSK-related conspiracy theories floating around France. Let us read on and enjoy this non-newsy news piece thrown together at the last minute to fill a publishing quota…
1. Vengeance! Under Strauss-Kahn's sexxxy leadership, the International Monetary Fund predicted that China's economy would kick American ass. This gave Obama a sadz, so he magically conjured a Guinean immigrant maid with a credibility problem to accuse Strauss-Kahn of rape, or what the French call "a gentleman's privilege."
2. Sabotage! President Sarkozy saw that this political candidate was a comer (sorry) and took him out by colluding with the owners of the Manhattan Sofitel and… magically conjuring a Guinean immigrant maid with a credibility problem to accuse Strauss-Kahn of rape.
3. Roman Polanski! Somehow this is his fault? We can safely assume that ABC News Online needed five conspiracy theories to make a nice headline (four is so much less exciting) so they threw this one in without any further explanation. Some other European was once accused of rape! Wheeeee!
4. Judaism! Or as ABC News Online puts it, "A Rich Jew With a Fondness for Women." This is obviously self-explanatory, because the U.S. hates horny Jews.
5. Other countries also were pissed at Strauss-Kahn! Specifically, the Greeks and the Russians.
Are these conspiracy theories actually being tossed around France, or did ABC News Online simply need to craft a story to satisfy some editor's arbitrary decision about content? The world may never know.
Here's an Indecision conspiracy theory: Rapist or not, DSK is grossy-gross and unfit for human sexytime. The lamestream media is free to just reprint that sentence over and over again in place of its weirdsy space-filling puff pieces.
Photo by Marc Stamas/WireImage/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, France, Money, New York City, Nicolas Sarkozy, Roman Polanski, Sex
This week there was a lot of news, and there were a lot of funny tweets. Using our top secret browsing/perusing algorithm, we discovered the rare moments where those two things crossed paths. Your week, tweetified:
It's about time someone made a documentary about Sarah Palin; when is this woman gonna get the media attention she deserves?
The only real mistake Barack Obama made in the presence of the Queen was the 'diplomatic' choice not to use his secretly famous cockney accent when asking for seconds.
Tags: Armageddon, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Movies, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Ryan, Primaries, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Tworld News
God, international political leaders are so bitchy. Instead of mourning the tragic retirement of sophisticated, irresistible former International Monetary Fund leader Dominique Strauss-Kahn, they’re all jockeying to fill his place!
It's as if capitalism's head cheerleader fell off the top of the pyramid, and all the other spirit queens are sniping and backbiting their way to what they hope is the rulership of the squad…
Now that Dominique Strauss-Kahn has resigned as the chief of the International Monetary Fund, the choice of his successor is quickly turning into a competition between Europeans determined to keep the job for one of their own and leaders of emerging economic powers like China, India and South Africa that hope to break Europe’s established grip on the post.
Who the hell do these second- and third-world jerks think they are? Tell 'em, European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso!
"It should be a European," he said at a business conference in Brussels on Wednesday. Taken together, European members "are the biggest stakeholders in the I.M.F. Why now choose someone because he is not European? That makes no sense."
Yes, these less-pale nations should assume the position Europe has forced upon them in the past, which incidentally is not unlike the position Dominique Strauss-Kahn is alleged to have forced an African immigrant maid to assume at the Sofitel in New York City earlier this week.
Until these brown people learn to do as Europe tells them to do, there will be no peace and happiness in this world.
Tags: China, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Europe, France, India, Money, South Africa
Osama bin Laden giving himself handies or Donald Trump and Mike Huckabee pulling out prematurely. That's a hard one…
Coverage continues after the jump.
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Tags: Common, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Donald Trump, Fox, France, Mike Huckabee, Money, Music, Osama bin Laden, Porn, Primaries, Republicans, Ted Nugent, The Daily Show