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  • Gary Johnson Will Legalize Marijuana If Elected Fantasy President

    When Barack Obama was a young man, he would reportedly yell "Interception!" before snatching a joint from a friend's hand to take an extra hit. As president, he's continued "intercepting" the nation's pot supply with an aggressive crackdown.

    But Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson has way mellower vibes when it comes to toking

    The ad points to Obama's early drug abuse as a case for legalization. But I think it's missing the point. Obama is trying to protect us from following his path. He knows better than anyone that drug use will only lead to a future with a low-paying, soul-sucking job that causes you to age prematurely.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Crime, Drugs, Gary Johnson, Libertarian, Marijuana, Third Party
  • Eric Holder Defends Crackdown on Medical Pot

    Since Barack Obama took office, federal agents and prosecutors have conducted about 200 raids on medical marijuana dispensaries and growers, despite an Obama campaign promise to tolerate dispensaries in states that have legalized them. But whatever the dangers of marijuana, one thing is clear: Smoking pot is a lot less dangerous for one's brain cells than listening to Obama administration officials offer congressional testimony

    Appearing before the House Judiciary Committee, Holder acknowledged the Justice Department had broken with the Bush administration and pledged not to go after anyone acting within state law.

    Nevertheless, those involved in large-scale marijuana growing and distribution have "come up with ways in which they are taking advantage of these state laws and going beyond that which the states have authorized," Holder said in response to questions from Rep. Jerrold Nadler, D-N.Y. "Those are the only cases that we have been going after."

    Those wily cancer patients, always looking to take advantage of state laws for their own nefarious anti-pain agendas.

    It's fun to consider other groups, besides manipulative cancer sufferers, who have "taken advantage" of statutes and gone beyond what the spirit of the law may have authorized. There are Bush administration officials who authorized torture, in contravention to the Geneva Conventions and U.S. law. There are financial sector tycoons who committed fraud on a daily basis in order to issue, sell and securitize mortgages from under-qualified individuals. It's amazing the DOJ has the manpower to prosecute medical marijuana dispensaries, when so many bodies are needed to sit on those other cases.

    At the same time, this pattern of conduct fits in with Obama's life history. As a member of the Choom Gang, Obama "often elbowed his way in, out of turn, shouted 'Intercepted!,' and took an extra hit." An auspicious start to a career making sure that all the drugs belonged to him.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Department of Justice, Drugs, Eric Holder, Marijuana
  • Chuck Schumer Running Out of Fun Things to Ban

    Chuck SchumerContra Ronald Reagan, the government is often a bulwark of personal security and social stability, but it's nevertheless true that the most dangerous words in the English language next to "I'm from the government and I'm here to help" and "think of the children" are "somebody should do something."

    Most often that somebody is New York Senator Chuck Schumer. And that something is usually a ban on fun.

    However, unlike fellow politician-cum-babysitter Mike Bloomberg, whose penchant for paternalism extends to legislation that appeals to editorial boards and expert opinion but doesn't sit well with a majority of his constituents, Schumer targets causes popular with his middle-class suburban base. Wherever there's a father of two frowning over a local news story story about the kids these days, Chuck Schumer is there. Wherever the words "there ought to be a law," escape the lips of PTA mom, Chuck Schumer is there.

    Your mission, should you choose to accept it: read the following statements and determine whether the quote is fabricated, or if Chuck Schumer was there…

    1. Caffeine inhalers: "I am worried about how a product like this impacts kids and teens, who are particularly vulnerable to over-using a product that allows one to take hit-after-hit-after-hit, in rapid succession."

    2. Four Loko: "Parents should be able to rest a little easier knowing that soon their children won't have access to this deadly brew."

    3. Prepaid cell phones: "This proposal is overdue because for years, terrorists, drug kingpins and gang members have stayed one step ahead of the law by using prepaid phones that are hard to trace."

    4. Synthetic marijuana and "bath salts": "Let this be a warning to those who make a profit manufacturing and selling killer chemical components to our teens and children: the jig is up."

    5. Metal grill brushes: "Metal bristles are one topping no one wants on their burger this holiday season…Grilling season should be a great time for the whole family, not a time to be worried about an emergency visit to the hospital."

    Answers: Surprise! It's Chuck Schumer, all the way down. (Yes, grill brushes.)

    Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Alcohol, Chuck Schumer, Drugs, Food
  • Our Endorsements: Unemployment Numbers Explained

    * The Onion finally figures out who's behind the high unemployment rate.

    * President Obama's weed habit gets animated.

    * Erotic fan fiction that Mitt Romney writes about himself.

    * Arizona is a getting a little too conservative, from National Lampoon.

    * Todd Glass films a powerful PSA for the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network.

    * See what American Voices say about Senator Dick Lugar not campaigning for a Republican nominee.

    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Daily Links, Dick Lugar, Drugs, LGBT, Mitt Romney, National Lampoon, Republicans, Senate, The Onion, Todd Glass, Unemployment

  • Tweet Untweet: Obama Toasted, Romney Roasted

    Tags: Barack Obama, Drugs, Food, Marijuana, Mitt Romney, Mormon, Religion, Tweet Untweet, Twitter