Minnesota Has a Governor!

Remember the midterm elections? They were, like, 85 years ago and resulted in John Boehner being crowned king of the Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, I guess the fine people of Minnesota (you know, the brilliant folks who brought you Rep. Michele Bachmann, again?) had so much fun with their gubernatorial electioning that they just decided to keep it going through the second week in December.

But all that is over now, for the handsome, aging lumberjack-esque loser has at long last conceded to the handsome, aging lumberjack-esque winner!

The Minnesota gubernatorial recount, has now come to an end, with Republican state Rep. Tom Emmer conceding defeat to Democratic former U.S. Sen. Mark Dayton — bringing this story to a much quicker end than the long and drawn out Senate race from 2008, which lasted for eight months of recounts and litigation with a much, much closer margin.

If you are one of the many, many humans who did not give a fig about the Minnesota gubernatorial race, here are a few fun facts about the man Minnesotans won't get to kick around anymore (until he runs for something again)…

* Tom Emmer wanted to loosen the state's laws on punishing new drunk-driving suspects. He deeply empathizes with the plight of Minnesota's shitfaced drivers, because he has two DWI convictions of his own. Tom Emmer is therefore truly a Man of the (Drunk) People.

* Somebody once threw a bag of pennies at him at a town hall meeting with waiters. Also, he held a town hall meeting with waiters.

* Emmer loves nullification, or the process by which a state may render null and void a federal law within its own borders. He wanted to nullificationize healthcare reform and pretty much every other federal law he thought was gross.

So long, farewell, and see ya next election cycle, Rep. Tom Emmer. You are almost as tasty as a giant plate of lutefisk, and quite nearly as odiforous.

WINNER Caption Challenge: Election Day

Submitted by Beth.

YOU DECIDE Caption Challenge: Election Day

Election Night in Alvin Greene's HQ

Now, some people may call Alvin Greene a loser for only getting 28 percent of the vote in his campaign to unseat South Carolina Sen. Jim Demint, but I call him a what the hell he got a whole 28 percent of the vote how the hell did that happen?!?! And, in some way, that's better than being a senator. Because now he doesn't have to sit near John Cornyn and have to breath in that weird cheese doodle smell all day long.

Here is the man who would (never ever ever) be senator on the last night of his historic campaign…

Alvin Greenes will be Alvin Greenes forever!

(via This Week in Blackness)

Stephen Colbert's Message to America: This Election Is Forever and Ever

That way that you're feeling right now — depressed, fearful, embittered, hopeful, joyous, hungry, gassy, obsequious, persnickety — get used to it, because that feeling is the new definition of you. (By the way, you might as well go ahead and throw away your mood ring, because now it is just a you ring.)

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.