Enjoy life as you know it while it lasts, my fellow straight people, for soon we will be forced to endure the unimaginably horrific dystopia of two dudes that you don't know buying each other rings and fighting over floral centerpieces. My mind is bending toward insanity at the mere thought of it…
After the jump, Stephen Colbert reveals his flawless plan for us heterosexuals to ruin gay people's marriages the same way they're ruining our heterosexual marriages with their gay marriage-having.
Tags: CNN, Constitution, Economy, Elena Kagan, Family Research Council, Fox, Jon Stewart, LGBT, Maggie Gallagher, Marriage Equality, National Organization for Marriage, Neil Cavuto, Proposition 8, Rick Sanchez, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Tony Perkins, Vaughn Walker, Video
So, the homosexuals get to have their miserable marriages for a few weeks or months or whatever, in California. What we're all really wondering is: What does Arab-hatin' former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich think of this?
Oh, hey, look, he's babbling about it on his website!
"Judge Walker's ruling overturning Prop 8 is an outrageous disrespect for our Constitution and for the majority of people of the United States who believe marriage is the union of husband and wife. In every state of the union from California to Maine to Georgia, where the people have had a chance to vote they've affirmed that marriage is the union of one man and one woman. Congress now has the responsibility to act immediately to reaffirm marriage as a union of one man and one woman as our national policy. "
That's great and all, but something seems to be missing. Hmmmm…What could it be? Oh, yes! A random, possibly gay-baiting attack on Elena Kagan!
"Today’s notorious decision also underscores the importance of the Senate vote tomorrow on the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court because judges who oppose the American people are a growing threat to our society."
You know, it's so great that the gays have a noble hetero like Newt Gingrich to tell them what to do. Who is a better expert on the sacredness of heterosexual marriage than a jerk who has been married three times? The first time was when he was 19, to his 26-year-old former high school geometry teacher! Hahaha, that's not creepy at all! Also, that particular ex-wife says he visited her in the hospital as she was recovering from cancer surgery in order to discuss their divorce.
Then there was the next gal. He married her six months after the first marriage was done. They stayed together for awhile, until he started fucking a woman 23 years his junior during, haha, the Clinton/Lewinsky investigation! It is adorable that Newt Gingrich, this human slimebucket, would spend most of his time talking shit about the president's infidelity while secretly shtupping some random who wasn't his wife. He's so wacky and unpredictable, that Newt!
Now he is married to the random and is probably going to run for President in 2012, and also he hates gay marriage. What will Newt's fourth wife have to say about all this?
Tags: California, Elena Kagan, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Newt Gingrich, Proposition 8, Republicans, Supreme Court
For the first time in U.S. history, we will have three women serving concurrently on the Supreme Court: Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor and whatshername? You know, the hot one. Sandy something.
Anyway, the important thing is that everyone was in agreement that she was the best person for the job. Perfect agreement…
Five Republicans joined 56 Democrats and two independents in supporting the nomination; 36 Republicans and one Democrat, Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, opposed her…
The sharp partisan divide over the nomination illustrated the increasing political polarization of fights over high court nominees, who in years past were backed by both parties in the absence of some disqualifying factor. Ms. Kagan received fewer Republican votes than Justice Sotomayor, who was supported by nine in her 68-31 confirmation on Aug. 6, 2009. Democrats balked at President George W. Bush’s nominee, Samuel A. Alito Jr., with only four endorsing him in a 58 to 42 vote in January 2006.
You see? It's not that the Republicans (and Ben Nelson) suck. It's that everybody in the Senate sucks. And that, ultimately, is agreement enough, isn't it?
Tags: Elena Kagan, Samuel Alito, Senate, Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court
Right-Wing Anti-Abortion Activists Plan to "Burn, Hang or Beat" Sen. Lindsey Graham for "Fun" "Comedy"
It's Randall Terry — founder of the conservative anti-abortion group Operation Rescue — and he is hopping mad at South Carolina Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham for voting in favor of vehement baby killer Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court.
How hopping mad is he? This hopping mad…
First of all, I think it's important to commend Mr. Terry on his decision to stand directly in front of the Chicken Man while delivering his heartfelt plea to be taken seriously on this serious issue. ("Okay, Mr. Terry, where should we set up? We literally have an infinite number of camera positions to choose from… Oh, right here? That is exactly what I was going to suggest.")
Second of all…
“We are either going to burn, hang or beat Senator Lindsey Graham in effigy. And we're going to make comedy out of it, and it’s gonna be a lot of fun.”
Oh, so they're going to "make comedy" out of a make-believe public murdering of a U.S. politician? Why, that does sound like "a lot of fun"! Yay! Although his assurances concerning the jocularity of the fantasy hate crime does seem a tad unnecessary. When have you ever been to a pretend brutal execution that wasn't uproariously hilarious family entertainment? Yippee!!!
Hey, if you're going to this "fun" "comedy" event, make sure to pack a picnic basket and bring the kids! And get ready for a nooseful of laffs!
Update: Some photos from today's burning/hanging/beating have already popped up. Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Tags: Abortion, Elena Kagan, Lindsey Graham, Randall Terry, Senate, South Carolina, Supreme Court