On last night's Colbert Report, Eliot Spitzer made his first appearance on the show since the prostitution scandal that ended his Governorship. Now, obviously, there's an impulse to make cheap hooker jokes. After all, he's now a banking expert; the fucking-people-for-money zingers practically make themselves. But come on, there's a lot more to Eliot Spitzer than that. For example, he's bald.
The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.
Tags: Banks, Ben Bernanke, Economy, Eliot Spitzer, New York, Prostitution, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video, Wall Street
Written by guest blogger Steve Agee
Hey kids, it's that time of year again. Time for my first annual "Steve Agee's Top Ten Favorite Political Moments of the Decade"!
I know what you're thinking — "Dude, you play a gay stoner on TV. I didn't know you knew anything about politics." Well, guess what? I don't. I know NOTHING about politics. So when Comedy Central approached me about writing my ten favorite moments in politics for the decade, I said, "Which decade?" See, I was hoping for the 1960s because a lot of cool shit went down in the '60s, like Woodstock, the alleged "moon landing" and Pearl Harbor. Then Comedy Central told me that it was actually these past ten years. Bummer, dude.
Now, keep in mind these are my top ten FAVORITE moments. There are plenty of "important" moments in politics over the past ten year, but I wouldn't classify them as my favorites. To me "favorite" equals funny, cool or sexy. So let's get started. Oh yeah, one other thing. Most of my favorite moments happened in the second half of the decade, because I was smoking a lot of pot from 2000 to about 2006 and don't remember the first half… so keep that in mind. Here they are (in no particular order)
1. In October of 2000 George W. Bush becomes our President.
"Hey dude, that's neither funny NOR sexy!" Yeah, but it's kind of cool for one reason. It freed up Al Gore to make that movie, An Inconvenient Truth where Demi Moore screwed Robert Redford for a million bucks. Incidentally, that movie won some Oscars. Who's the winner now, George W.? Exactly… Robert Redford.
2. Dick Cheney shoots Harry Whittington IN THE FUCKING FACE!
This happened over two years ago, and I'm honestly shocked that it's still not the top story every night on the news! When I was 12, my neighbor, Blind Paul, accidentally shot his mother in the back with a BB gun. She actually called the cops and had him put in juvenile hall for a week… And she was his MOTHER… And Blind Paul WAS BLIND! What I'm saying is Cheney should have at least had to have spent a week in juvie.
3. In 2003 George W. Bush flew out to the Persian Gulf to let everyone know that, as far as the Iraq invasion goes, it was a big "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"
That was about six years ago, and I'm pretty sure that that mission is still not yet accomplished. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the last things Bush said to Obama when he was leaving office was, "It's your mission now… YOU accomplish it!"
4. New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer is busted for patronizing a high-priced prostitution service in March of 2008.
This means one thing — Spitzer likes to have sex with women who won't let him kiss them on the mouth. Keep in mind, everything I know about prostitution I learned from the movie Pretty Woman.
5. While visiting Iraq in 2008, George W. Bush dodges a couple shoes that were thrown at his head.
That was the most low-budget assassination attempt since someone tried to kill Rutherford B. Hayes by chucking a pair of wool mittens at him (which also missed). Oh and FYI, if you can't hit an old white man with your shoes, then you don't deserve to own shoes, loser!
6. Opening day of the 2008 Republican National Convention it was reported that Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter was pregnant.
TAKE THAT REPUBLICANS! Holy crap, the only way that could have been any sweeter is if Barack Obama had been the father.
7. Somehow "teabagging" happened this year.
From a political standpoint, I still have no idea what "teabagging" means. I saw it mentioned a LOT on the news and never actually heard what they were talking about because the sound of the reporter's voices were completely muffled by the roars of my own laughter. As far as I can tell, these "teabaggers" were protesting something. I will assume they were protesting that there was a lack of mouths for them to dip their balls in.
8. Barack Obama becomes President.
This is a no brainer, and I knew that I had to write about it because I'm white, and everyone would think I'm a racist if I didn't say something about it. So this is me writing about our black President, OK? Can we move on? I think I've established the fact that I'm not racist, so get over it! Oh, and if that's not proof enough for you, how about the fact that I also own NWA's "Straight Outta Compton"?
9. June 11th, 2007. Republican Senator, Larry Craig was arrested in a men's room at Minneapolis Airport for lewd conduct.
He was tapping his foot against the man in the next stall's foot, which apparently in the underground airport swinger scene, is code for, "Bone me, please." Now, I'm the type of person who won't even use a public restroom for its intended purpose (snorting cocaine); so I can't even imagine using it to have sex… with a dude… an old dude.
Larry Craig, you insatiable old pervert, thank you for providing us with this story!
10. In 2003, action superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger was voted governor of California.
That was so long ago that I probably would have forgotten his acting career by now if it weren't for the fact that he's constantly reminding us about it every time he gives a speech. "It's time we said 'Hasta la vista, baby' to high taxes!" or "I'll be back… for another term as your Governor!" or my all time favorite, "It's not a tumor. It's a very bad forest fire that is raping California and must be stopped before every man, woman and child are nothing more than a faint memory. I mean, come on, like seriously… What the fuck?" Ok, so he didn't actually say that last one… or even the other two as far as I know, but it would have been pretty rad if he did.
Hey, we did it! Maybe at the end of the next decade I can talk about something I know even less about… like sports! Oh wait, there won't be a next time because of that whole 2012 end of the world thing. Oh well, it's been nice knowing you. See you in Hell!
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, California, Dick Cheney, Eliot Spitzer, George W. Bush, Iraq, Larry Craig, LGBT, New York, Sarah Palin, Tea Party
So Indecision asked me to write a list of women who have had infamous sexual relationships with political figures.
“Oh, like political mistresses?" I asked.
“No. More like Secret Girlfriends,” they replied.
“Secret Girlfriends? What? Why would you call them that?”
“Oh, no reason.”
#7 – William Rufus King
Senator from Alabama, Vice President under Franklin Pierce, and according to some, President James Buchanan’s lover. “Where’s my proof,” you ask? To which I reply, “Proof? Really? This is the internet.” In any event, Buchanan was our nation’s only bachelor President and he did live with King for quite some time. Need more? Well, apparently Andrew Jackson used to refer to King as “Miss Nancy.” So there’s that. Although I must confess that even in the 1800’s “Miss Nancy” seems like a pretty weak slam on a guy you’re trying to paint as gay. Is that really the best Old Hickory could do? More like “Old Dickory,” amirite? See what I mean?
Tags: Eliot Spitzer, James Buchanan, John Edwards, John Kennedy, Mark Sanford, Monica Lewinsky, Rielle Hunter
Poor Governor Paterson. This kind of rejection has to be hard on a guy's sense of self respect. (Good thing not having any is a prerequisite for higher office in New York State.)
Fourteen months after being elevated to the governor’s job, David A. Paterson is deeply unpopular among New Yorkers, who doubt his ability to grapple with the state’s increasingly bleak economic situation, according to a poll by The New York Times, Cornell University and NY1 News…
Mr. Paterson is now less popular in the state than his predecessor, Eliot Spitzer, who resigned in disgrace after being identified as the client of a prostitution ring. Only 21 percent of New York voters say they have a favorable view of Mr. Paterson; 26 percent have a favorable view of Mr. Spitzer.
Yeah, well, of course. I mean, at least Spitzer was doing something to help stimulate the state's economy. And here's Paterson, who hasn't so much as paid for a hand job from a tranny.
Don't think we're not paying attention, Governor.
Tags: David Paterson, Economy, Eliot Spitzer, New York
There's a strong wind blowing in from the east. And a stronger wind blowing from the west. Before long, the winds will be blowing each other.
And I am afraid.
The same-sex chickens truly have come home to gentrify their roost.
Tags: Christianity, David Paterson, Eliot Spitzer, Iowa, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Massachusetts, Mormon, National Organization for Marriage, New York, Religion, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Vermont