John Edwards — the not-quite-guilty-enough subject of a recent federal investigation – and his mistress/baby mama/dead-wife disparager/destroyer-of-worlds Rielle Hunter have officially split up, which means there's yet another unemployed bad boy in our dating pool, ladieeeeees!
If you're able to catch this eligible bachelor's eye (Hint: Get within five feet of him), here are some important dating tips…
* Take it slow. Edwards may be a little vulnerable after everything he's gone through. Being single may be hard for him at first. After all, being married and having sex with every woman who hits on you is a lot different from being single and having sex with every woman who hits on you.
* Expect him to revert. Maybe things will go well on the first date and then boom, you're dry humping behind a plant in the hotel lobby where you met five minutes ago. Don't be upset if he whispers in your ear that if you get pregnant, you'll need to say the hotel concierge is the father. Old dogs usually only know one trick.
* Stay casual. If things get serious, Edwards may try to buy you an apartment or a car or therapist. Don't accept any of these gifts. Not because you don't need them. You do. Especially the last one. But so does he. Or rather, his children will.
* Don't get jealous. This man is a politician. It's part of his job to crinkle those pretty blue eyes at anything that makes his pants feel tight. Well, he used to be a politician. The only job he could get now is Italian Prime Minister. Maybe President of France.
* Finally, have fun while it lasts, because it won't. Bad boys never stay, and when they leave there's usually something to remember them by, like a baby or an STD. Or, if you're lucky, a book deal.
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, Rielle Hunter
Elizabeth Edwards Is Somehow Managing to Maintain Her Dignity While Being Publicly Embarrassed by the Angels Now
Well, this is sad…
Elizabeth Edwards, who closely advised her husband in two bids for the presidency and advocated for health care even as her marriage publicly crumbled, died Tuesday after a six-year struggle with cancer. She was 61.
She died at her North Carolina home surrounded by her three children, siblings, friends and her estranged husband, John, the family said…
Elizabeth Edwards had focused in recent years on advocating health care reform, often wondering aloud about the plight of those who faced the same of kind of physical struggles she has, but without her personal wealth.
It's kind of weird to imagine that in some alternative reality in which things went a little differently this could be the nation's First Lady passing away today.
Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, Health, Health Care, John Edwards
It's nice to have Kelly — The Onion's editorial cartoonist — around to put everything into perspective.
Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, The Onion
Oh, So Now There's a Rumor About John Edwards Hitting His Wife? I'm Sorry, But Is There Room for Another Head in That Oven?
Okay, let's just get a few things straight before we go any further.
First of all, the source here The National Enquirer, which itself is sourcing an anonymous "friend" of Elizabeth Edwards, who is trustworthy enough to confide in, but also willing to run to the closet tabloid with the confidential information to see his/her non-name in print. (Oh, but he/she passed a lie detector test, so his/her word is obviously gold.)
Okay, now that we got that out of the way…
"John [Edwards] beat me," Elizabeth [Edwards] had told the friend.
Hello, ugly rumor that I hope is not true. How nice to meet you…
Other sources confirm that the couple's furious confrontation was the "final straw" in 60-year-old Elizabeth's decision to end their 32-year marriage.
According to the source, Elizabeth said this was the final straw: "When he (John) made the decision to hit me, it was over." The Enquirer also recounts incidents where Elizabeth "lashed out physically at John."
Okay, so the jury is definitely out on whether or not John Edwards "made the decision to hit" his wife (that seems like a bad decision to make), but he had clearly at some point "made the decision" to be a complete dirt bag. So, who knows!
Does he recreationally electrocute puppies with Michael Vick? Subjugate a species of anthropoid bug-people in a South African ghetto? Do script punch-ups for Michael Bay? I don't know! I don't know what this guy is capable of!
Personally, I'm holding out hope that this is just a scuzzy rumor about a scuzzy person by a scuzzy magazine that you're reading about now on a scuzzy website.
Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, National Enquirer