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Eric Holder
  • Department of Justice Uncovers Alleged Iranian Terrorist Plot

    Okay, so, two terrorists backed by the Iranian government and a DEA agent posing as a member of Mexican drug cartel walk into a bar.

    The bartender takes one look and says, what is is this, some sort of recently foiled insane terrorist plot to assassinate a Saudi Arabian diplomat on U.S. soil?

    Attorney General Eric Holder said two Iranians have been charged with conspiracy to murder a foreign official and conspiracy to commit an act of international terrorism, among other charges. One of the suspects, an Iranian with U.S. citizenship, was arrested in New York last month; the other, an Iranian, remains at large…

    The suspects were identified as Manssor Arbabsiar, a 56-year-old from Austin, and Gholam Shakuri, an Iran-based member of Iran’s Quds Force, an elite division of that country’s Revolutionary Guard Corps responsible for foreign operations…

    Officials described the details of the plot involving the ambassador as chilling, and alleged that Arbabsiar met with a DEA informant – who was posing as a representative of a Mexican drug cartel — to arrange his killing.

    I'm sure ACORN or William Ayers has got to be mixed up in this somehow. Can't wait to find out how.

    Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Drugs, Eric Holder, Iran, Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Terrorism
  • Justice Department Way Uptight About Smoking the Heady Dank Stuff

    Today in marijuana news, Attorney General Eric Holder says the federal government will enforce its anti-drug laws in California even if the state legalizes pot. Which begs the question: Hey man, you holdin'? Naw, naw, just kiddin' bro. Shiiiz, I wouldn't ask you on here right on this popular political satire blog, dawg. I'm friggin'… I'm freakin'… I'm not like some narc, yo. I just like the kind bud cuz it makes me feel niiiiice. You like to get niiiiiice? Dude, dude, dude, dude, for reals? Dude, you know I'm cool. Nah bro, just chill, it's like–

    Oh, ahem, erm… We wandered off-track for a moment there. Our apologies

    The Justice Department strongly opposes California's Proposition 19 and remains firmly committed to enforcing the federal Controlled Substances Act in all states, Holder wrote in a letter to former chiefs of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration. The Associated Press obtained a copy of the letter, dated Wednesday.

    "We will vigorously enforce the CSA against those individuals and organizations that possess, manufacture or distribute marijuana for recreational use, even if such activities are permitted under state law," Holder wrote.

    But isn't California just full of people who fake illness in order to get medical marijuana cards, anyway? We know like three guys who do that, seriously. They're very nice people who eat a lot of Twizzlers, which you can apparently buy at some of those medical marijuana dispensaries. They pay full price and all, and they don't commit any violent crimes whilst totally blazed. In fact, they don't really do anything when they're high, besides giggle.

    So, what crawled up Holder's ass and turned him into a big ol' square?

    The attorney general also said that legalizing recreational marijuana in California would be a "significant impediment" to the government's joint efforts with state and local law enforcement to target drug traffickers, who often distribute marijuana alongside cocaine and other drugs.

    He said the ballot measure's passage would "significantly undermine" efforts to keep California communities safe.

    Look, man, you live your life, we'll live ours, okay? It's like, fuggin', it's like, nobody we know likes to touch cocaine or heroin or any of that shit. Herb comes from the earth, and IF we smoked this sacred tree, it'd be part of our spiritual activities. Like, you know, watching Dancing with the Stars and eating raw cookie dough.

    Tags: California, Drugs, Eric Holder, Marijuana
  • Dept. of Justice Suing Arizona to Protect Americans' Right to Be Afraid of Terrorists

    So, as you may have heard, Eric Holder and his merry band of the Justice Department lawyers have decided to sue the state of Arizona over it's new anti-brown people/pro-xenophobia law that makes it illegal for police to not harass people of the brown-skin-colored persuasion.

    Almost makes you a little misty-eyed, doesn't it? To see our government actually taking an active role in the protection of obvious-and-shouldn't-have-to-be-protected civil liberties?

    Oh, that's not the stated reason for the lawsuit. Sorry, I'm an idiot. I forgot for a second that this was America. Okay, so why is the Department of Justice suing Arizona?

    "Arizonans are understandably frustrated with illegal immigration” and the federal government should address those concerns, Attorney General Eric Holder said in a statement. "But diverting federal resources away from dangerous aliens such as terrorism suspects and aliens with criminal records will impact the entire country's safety."

    "Setting immigration policy and enforcing immigration laws is a national responsibility,” Holder said. "Seeking to address the issue through a patchwork of state laws will only create more problems than it solves."

    But that's only part of the reason, right? We're also doing it because of the glaringly flagrant attack on civil liberties, right?

    Entirely absent from the government’s argument, though, is any claim that the law encourages officers to racially profile Hispanic residents and violate their Fourth Amendment protection from unreasonable searches — the aspects of the law that many people find the most objectionable.

    Oh, I see. We shouldn't oppose Arizona's new law because, as Americans, we make it our priorities to protect the rights of our fellow citizens to be free from unnecessary and unethical harassment from the police based upon their skin-color. No, we should oppose Arizona's new new law because of BE AFRAID! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Hang on. Give me a second to readjust my priorities. Okay, how's this?

    This law is gonna what?! Divert federal resources away from blowing up terrorists with bazookas?! We cannot have that! Somebody needs to protect me and my iPhone4 from being terroristed in the face by terrorists! I am an American, and I have rights!!!

    So, anyway, that's the angle the DOJ decided to take on this one. Probably a winning strategy, all things considered.

    Tags: Arizona, Bill of Rights, Constitution, Eric Holder, Laws, Obama Administration, Racism, Terrorism
  • Stephen Colbert Negroes the Word "Negro" Until It Negroes Its Negro Negroishly

    However, a certain Academy Award winning actor seems a bit hesitant to jump in. Those liberal Hollywood types can be so touchy about pseudo-possibly-racist verbiage…

    Tags: Al Sharpton, Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Harry Reid, Racism, Senate, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report