Hello citizens! I'm comedian and regular Indecision contributor Sara Benincasa, and it is my great honor to belatedly announce my top-secret candidacy and subsequent election to the office of Indecision Delegate! And my campaign slogan, "I WILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF!" has taken such root in the hearts and minds of my supporters that I've chosen to continue its use throughout my tenure ("Yes we can!" is soooo 2008.)
"But Sara," you may protest, "I didn't even get to vote for you! Nor was I made aware of any such campaign and/or candidacy! I didn't even know that 'Indecision Delegate' was a thing. Is that really a thing? It sounds like something you just made up. Did you just make that up?"
Oh, haha, you wacky jokester! Of course it is a thing, and after my top-secret, illegal and undemocratic election, I'm revving up to road-trip down to D.C for the impending midterm elections (and a certain pair of dueling political rallies led by Famous Entertainment Personages.) There will be blog posts. There will be videos. There will be tomfoolery. There will be haberdashery, scrimshaw and a host of other outdated trades. Essentially, it's going to be really flippin' awesome and will surely provide a complement to the fine works of my fellow midterm specialists Eugene Mirman, Baratunde Thurston, and Dan St. Germain.
So join me, dear Americans, on a journey of epic and fantastic proportions. Together, we'll go deep into the bewitchingly glorious hearts of the Angles, O'Donnells, Reids and Paladinos of this bold nation. I pledge to represent you to the best of my superhuman, sexy ability as I embark on the greatest quest any journalist has ever known: to make amusing statements about midterm elections. Onward and upward! I WILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF!
Tags: Baratunde Thurston, Cramming for Midterms, Dan St. Germain, Eugene Mirman, March to Keep Fear Alive, Midterms, Rally to Restore Sanity, Sara Benincasa
Dragons, wolves, horses and libertarians. You know just regular political analysis stuff…
Tags: Arizona, Bloggers on Camera, Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Harry Reid, Islam, Midterms, Nevada, Sarah Palin, Sharron Angle, Taxes, Tea Party, Thomas Jefferson, Unemployment, Video
Eugene Mirman – Indecision GuestBlogger and Distinguished Gentleman – Is an Objective Outsider Centrist
People (and ghosts!) are always asking me where I fall on the political spectrum. I am in the middle. That’s what happens when you are very pro-gay marriage and in favor of health care for everyone (even very ugly people), but also LOVE the war in Afghanistan and hope it never ends. Plus, as a Russian immigrant, I am predisposed toward hating communism and admiring the American Dream.
How do I know that I’m a centrist and not a liberal elitist hell bent on taxing small businesses to pay for the unnecessary hat collections of illegal immigrants? Because on March 6th, 2010 my brother, Ilya, sent me an online survey that asks a series of questions and then shows you a picture of where you lie politically. And guess what? I fall in the direct middle of centrism (though weirdly my dick is actually quite statist). Here is a photo of the result, which could easily be faked, but happens to be real…
You can take the poll yourself and find out where you land. Are you a misguided 19-year-old Maoist trying to enslave America? Maybe. Or, are you some laissez-faire capitalist who misses the robber barons of the 1800s and wants to pour irradiated chemical run-off into children's faces? Find out in just a few minutes at this website.
I mostly tell you this so that on November 2nd, when I make fun of Carl Paladino in my liveblogging for Comedy Central, you'll know that I'm not doing it because I'm a close-minded Northeast socialite who is so PC he can't make a joke about how some, but not all, black men wear their pants very low. You'll know that I'm an objective, outsider centrist, like Kurt Loder or Joe Scarborough.
Months ago, even with the brewing anger of the Tea Party, I originally thought this midterm election would be boring. But for the first time in seven years, I was wrong. This election has become exciting, like happening upon an episode of Law and Order right at the 45-minute-twist mark! To many Republicans (74%) and at least one secret Muslim, this is the most important congressional election of their lives.
As I travel, anytime I turn on local news, it seems that countless Americans are so angry and terrified — because of what Glenn Beck told them through his weird chalkboard — that they are considering voting for the Incredible Hulk (if the Incredible Hulk mostly quoted Thomas Jefferson and constantly made confusing analogies between tea and civil liberties). And yes, Hulk will smash government spending, but also, he might accidentally step on abortion rights, environmental regulations and the Department of Education. Don't get me wrong, like many Americans, I believe in an individual's unalienable right to pursue happiness and become so rich you can transfer your soul into a sexy robot version of you (instead of going to heaven, which stands at least a 35% chance of not being a real place). But, the Tea-Party doesn’t just love freedom and tea (like you and me) — they have taken the things I hold sacred, muddled them and then yell them in groups on the news while holding ill-thought-out and poorly-constructed protest signs — as if they are mocking American ingenuity and workmanship — and that’s something I can’t support. Just like Jesus would probably be appalled at the atrocities committed throughout history in His name, I can't help but imagine Thomas Jefferson fucking one of his many slaves while shaking his head at the Tea Party.
Still, I do kind of hope one Tea-Party-Incredible-Hulk-Candidate gets elected, because it will be a lot of fun and probably The Tea Party’s destruction. What could be more beautiful to see than John McCain and one of his Jewish friends proposing some sort of bipartisan campaign reform, only to have Christine O'Donnell yell her misunderstanding of evolution at him on C-Span? I’d like to see that. So this election, Delaware, vote for the only candidate that is running ads on television explaining she isn’t a witch. Thanks!
See you guys back here with a video in a few weeks! Then see you on election night, when I will be liveblogging all night long.
Photo by Seth Olenick.
Tags: Carl Paladino, Christine O’Donnell, Cramming for Midterms, Eugene Mirman, Glenn Beck, House of Representatives, Joe Scarborough, John McCain, Liveblog, Midterms, Senate, Tea Party, Thomas Jefferson
I'm not going to lie to you. If you're looking for video of Copenhagen protesters being beaten or arrested, you are looking in the wrong place. But I do sincerely I hope that you realize your dream somehow or other.
However, if you're in the market for video of Eugene Mirman making a bunch of penis jokes and being denied an interview with a protester who dresses like a pirate but looks like Andy Samberg, well, today is your lucky day, fella!
Tags: Climate Change, Copenhagen, Denmark, Energy & Oil, Eugene Mirman, Protesters
Come on Copenhagen protesters. I'm disappointed in you. Is that all the crazy you've got?
Copenhagen has turned into somewhat of a battleground as climate activists clashed with police at several demonstrations over the weekend.
The end of the world seemed near Monday in Copenhagen. Four horsemen of the Apocalypse rode through the streets of this Danish city.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Tags: Climate Change, Copenhagen, Denmark, Environment, Eugene Mirman, Protesters