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Europe
  • Europe and Uncool Places Vie for Top IMF Spot

    God, international political leaders are so bitchy. Instead of mourning the tragic retirement of sophisticated, irresistible former International Monetary Fund leader Dominique Strauss-Kahn, they’re all jockeying to fill his place!

    It's as if capitalism's head cheerleader fell off the top of the pyramid, and all the other spirit queens are sniping and backbiting their way to what they hope is the rulership of the squad

    Now that Dominique Strauss-Kahn has resigned as the chief of the International Monetary Fund, the choice of his successor is quickly turning into a competition between Europeans determined to keep the job for one of their own and leaders of emerging economic powers like China, India and South Africa that hope to break Europe’s established grip on the post.

    Who the hell do these second- and third-world jerks think they are? Tell 'em, European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso!

    "It should be a European," he said at a business conference in Brussels on Wednesday. Taken together, European members "are the biggest stakeholders in the I.M.F. Why now choose someone because he is not European? That makes no sense."

    Yes, these less-pale nations should assume the position Europe has forced upon them in the past, which incidentally is not unlike the position Dominique Strauss-Kahn is alleged to have forced an African immigrant maid to assume at the Sofitel in New York City earlier this week.

    Until these brown people learn to do as Europe tells them to do, there will be no peace and happiness in this world.


    Tags: China, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Europe, France, India, Money, South Africa
  • Quote Unquote: How Many Weeks Are in a Day Again?

    President Obama on the transition of power, from U.S. to European forces, in Libya

    "We anticipate this transition to take place in a matter of days and not in a matter of weeks."

    Excellent! I am totally on board with this statement! One hundred percent!

    Though, I kinda wish he had said hours and not days. Or minutes and not hours. Or seconds and not minutes. Or nanoseconds and not regular seconds.

    They're all equally as believable, but one of these would make for a more dramatic sound bite.


    Tags: Barack Obama, Europe, Libya, Military, Quote Unquote
  • England vs. Great Britain vs. The United Kingdom

    Ever wonder why that Welsh guy on your Ultimate Frisbee team always gets pissed (annoyed, not drunk) when you're all out getting pissed (drunk, not annoyed) and you say something like, "Ah, Welsh, English… whatever. You all live in England"? Or what the Queen of England is doing on that money you brought back from that weird creepy strip club across the border in Canada? Or why — when you went into hiding after that business deal gone awry and you woke up in the hull of a schooner just off the South Sandwich Islands — the city in which you pulled yourself bleeding from the freezing cold south Atlantic Ocean was named after King Edward?

    Well, this video should clear things up for you…

    (via The Daily What)


    Tags: Australia, Canada, Europe, Ireland, New Zealand, Queen Elizabeth, Religion, United Kingdom
  • Mad Economists Hate on Euro

    A long, long time ago (before the early 2000s) in a galaxy far, far away (Europe, which is not a galaxy but rather a continent), there lived a bunch of people of different sizes, shapes, colors, temperaments, and pungent odors. You could drive the equivalent of the length of New Jersey and hit, like, three different countries, with three different cuisines and three separate ways to say, "Hello. You make sexes with mine naked?" (Incidentally, this also happens when you actually drive through Jersey.)

    When you stopped to exchange one currency for another, you could marvel at the silly colors and weird obscure heroes printed on the money (like, haha, "Mozart," or "Marie Curie," whoever the fuck they were.) But, as in the seminal children's classic The Giver, the forces of sameness prevailed. Europe adopted one boring currency, the Euro, and suddenly rich, fat American college students didn't come home with fistfuls of Monopoly money stashed alongside their absinthe and weed.

    Now, as Ireland, Greece, and Portugal teeter on the brink of economic collapse, some anti-Euro economists are saying, "Nyah, nyah!" (or whatever the local equivalent of "Nyah, nyah!" is.)

    "I knew from the very beginning that putting all these heterogeneous countries together would not work," said Wilhelm Nolling, a member of Germany’s Bundesbank governing council before the establishment of the European Central Bank who is now a professor of economics at the University of Hamburg.

    Alright, angry economists, here's your obvious solution: Ireland, Greece, and Portugal should just create their own Union of Fail and go back to their ancient methods of trade, i.e., exchanging vast quantities of fish for strong-backed virgins.


    Tags: Economy, Europe, Germany, Money
  • World Cup Fever: The Only Vaccine for It Might Maybe Cause Autism

    Just as I predicted last week, European teams swept the World Cup quarterfinals, beating the South American team in every match in which they played. The Uruguayans were lucky enough to squeak into the semifinals by playing Ghana instead of a team from Europe, but the Dutch quickly dispatched them 3-2 earlier today. So, now it's all Europe, all the way, which is very exciting for nobody except Europeans.

    So, tomorrow, Germany will be playing Spain, and based upon the fact that a European team has not lost a match in more than a week, I'm predicting that both teams will win and advance to the finals, and FIFA will real quick devise a cube-shaped playing field so that the Netherlands, Spain and Germany can all play simultaneously in the finals on Sunday.

    Failing that, I'm predicting Germany, because they're slightly more Europeany. (You know what I mean.)


    Tags: Europe, Germany, Netherlands, Soccer, Spain, Sports, Uruguay