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Europe
  • After All Those Vacations, Mark Sanford Could Use a Vacation

    national-lampoon-european-vacationPoor South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has been living out of a suitcase lately, what with his trade mission to Argentina, and then his jaunt to Overshare City, and most recently a five-day trip with his wife, which I'm sure did not involve any awkward silences whatsoever.

    You know what Mark Sanford needs right now? A vacation

    Gov. Mark Sanford said he is leaving the state today for a two-week European vacation with his wife and four sons.

    Since June 18, Sanford has been at work 15 of 25 business days. And according to his schedule, provided to The State under the S.C. Freedom of Information Act, Sanford will be on vacation or have no official state business for 52 of 148 weekdays in 2009 through the end of July.

    What is this, grade school? We give our elected officials attendance reports? Please. Sarah Palin is governor-for-life of Real America, even though she's dropping out this weekend. Doesn't matter.

    Besides, Gov. Sanford has no choice. He's got to spend two weeks in Europe…

    Sanford said he considered canceling the trip, but that his children had raised money to help pay for the excursion by selling lemonade.

    And if there is one fact we know about Mark Sanford, it's that he would never, ever do anything to disappoint his family.


    Tags: Europe, Mark Sanford, South Carolina
  • I Can See Fox Nation From My Computer: Liberals Are Green with Hypocrisy

    Let's look at the the day's news, as presented by the citizens of The Fox Nation.

    What's that? The Edge is a hypocrite?! Well, that settles that. I knew that all that consideration for wildlife and being stewards of the Earth was a waste of time. Thanks, Fox Nation…

    * U2 rocker’s home a 'green disaster'

    * 'Green' energy destroys 2 jobs for every 1 created, study finds

    * Rise of sea levels 'greatest lie ever told'

    * Europe spurns "beloved" Obama

    * Senate Dems open door for tax $$$ to ACORN

    * Glenn Beck sticks up for George Washington

    Thanks God somebody is sticking up for that poor, misunderstood man who was completely ignored by history.


    Tags: ACORN, Barack Obama, Environment, Europe, Fox, George Washington, Glenn Beck, House of Representatives, Taxes
  • Don't Worry, Everyone! Environmental Crisis Averted!

    Hey, you know how the nation and the world were just getting ready to all band together and finally start addressing some of these extremely crucial, life threatening issues concerning our environment?

    How do you think that's going?

    From Italy to China, the threat to jobs, profits and government tax revenues posed by the financial crisis has cast doubt on commitments to cap emissions or phase out polluting factories.

    Automakers, especially Detroit's Big Three, face collapsing sales, threatening their plans to invest heavily in more fuel-efficient cars. And with gas prices now around $2 a gallon in the United States, struggling consumers may be less inclined than they once were to trade in their gas-guzzling models in any case.

    You don't say… Hmmmmm…

    President-elect Barack Obama and the European Union have vowed to stick to commitments to–

    Yeah, whatever, Barack Obama and European Union. Give it a rest. We don't have time for your hippy bullshit anymore.

    Hear that, everybody? The economic crisis trumps the environmental crisis! Global warming and worldwide pollution has been solved! We can go back to raping the Earth and killing everything that lives on it! We won! USA! USA! USA!

    What are we gonna do with ourselves now? I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't give up on thinking forward altogether. Maybe we should taken a second look at curing diseases. Like cancer.

    What's that New York Times?

    Cancer researchers have known for years that it was possible in rare cases for some cancers to go away on their own. There were occasional instances of–

    Fuck yeah! That was easy.

    Now, I'm gonna go celebrate by smoking a pack of cigarettes. And maybe starting a tire fire.


    Tags: Barack Obama, Economy, Environment, Europe
  • Congratulations on Your First-Ever Recession, Eurozone!


    Confirmed: The eurozone has entered its first recession since 1999, when a scrappy gang of nations banded together to ensure prosperity and stability for all time.

    Ha! Like your sissy monetary policy is any match for the 900-pound poop-flinging econopocalypse America has unleashed…

    The eurozone is now officially in recession, mainly due to a slump in Germany, Europe's biggest economy, and Italy, while France has narrowly escaped the same fate.

    The economy of the 15 countries using the euro shrank by 0.2% between July and September compared with the previous quarter, according to figures from the European Union's statistics office, Eurostat, following a 0.2% contraction in the second quarter.

    Good thing the G20 summit takes place this weekend. Leaders from the world's biggest economies are getting together in Washington so they can take bold, decisive action that will overhaul regulations and stabilize the markets, and everything will be okay, and we won't wind up living in shantytowns, and…

    "Having some broad restructuring at this point would kind of be like in the middle of a five-alarm fire calling together the fire chiefs and trying to restructure the fire department," said Steven Schrage, a former economic advisor in the Bush administration and now an analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies.

    "And you could also do more harm than good," he said.

    Okay, fine. It doesn't have to be Bretton Woods 2: Economic Boogaloo, but surely this meeting of minds can make some progress, right? Right?

    "Nothing is going to come out of the G20," said Marc Chandler, a foreign exchange analyst with Brown Brothers Harriman.

    Well, then.

    I'm sure the Europeans will have very tastefully-decorated shanties.


    Tags: Economy, Europe, G-20