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FBI
  • U.S. Congressperson's Nude Israeli Romp Results in FBI Probe

    This is my kind of congressional scandal! First of all, skinny dipping in a Biblical location. Two thumbs up! Second, no rape! A million thumbs up! Finally, the opportunity to stick the words "nude," "romp" and "probe" all in the same headline. They don't even have enough thumbs up for that

    During a fact-finding congressional trip to the Holy Land last summer, Rep. Kevin Yoder (R-Kan.) took off his clothes and jumped into the sea, joining a number of members, their families and GOP staff during a night out in Israel, the sources told Politico. Other participants, including the daughter of another congressman, swam fully clothed, while some lawmakers partially disrobed. More than 20 people took part in the late-night dip in the sea, according to sources who were participants in the trip.

    "A year ago, my wife, Brooke, and I joined colleagues for dinner at the Sea of Galilee in Israel. After dinner I followed some Members of Congress in a spontaneous and very brief dive into the sea and regrettably I jumped into the water without a swimsuit," Yoder said in a statement to Politico. "It is my greatest honor to represent the people of Kansas in Congress and [for] any embarrassment I have caused for my colleagues and constituents, I apologize."

    I find it extremely difficult to find the scandal in this scandal. A guy went away to one of the most beautiful places in the world, he got a little drunk and then he got his junk out. It happens! And it wasn't even a skeevy kind of junk-getting-out; it was skinny dipping. With the other people in his party. Granted, it sounds like he might have been the only one to get fully naked. But somebody's gotta be that guy. What's that thing Jesus said? Let he who has never been that guy who gets his junk out on vacation cast the first stone. Or something. Besides, to hear my Jewish friends tell it, 90 percent of trips to Israel result in over-drinking and public nudity.

    Why is the FBI even involved in this? If the FBI wants to bother somebody about this, they should interrogate Kevin Yoder's penis. Kevin Yoder's penis was the one that caused this issue. When you're on vacation – or "a fact-finding congressional trip" — and you get a couple glasses of wine in you, you take your hand off the wheel and your penis takes over. I wonder if the FBI decided to interview Kevin Yoder's penis…

    Travis Smith, Yoder's chief of staff, told Politico "Neither Congressman Yoder, nor his staff, have been interviewed by the FBI."

    I guess not.

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: FBI, House of Representatives, Israel, Kevin Yoder, Nudity
  • Can an East New Haven Mayor Be Bigoted If Some of His Favorite Takeout Is Mexican?

    TacosThere's one foolproof remedy for cynicism about the federal government: whatever you think of the incompetence or unresponsiveness of federal elected officials, just remember that state and local politicians are much, much worse.

    Some public servants dedicate their time to protecting us against the scourge of fetus burgers and incipient Sharia law, while others oversee police departments that allegedly engage in systematic discrimination against Latinos. As the Hartford Courant points out, there's a simple explanation for the latter policy

    For those who are wondering why the East Haven Police Department is out of control, one possible answer is that Mayor Joseph Maturo is an idiot.

    [When asked by a reporter what he was doing for the Latino community after the FBI arrested four of his police officers for civil rights violations...] A moderately sentient public official in such a circumstance might say that he planned to meet with leaders of the community to apologize for the officers' behavior and ask them to join him in making changes to prevent such unacceptable conduct.

    But the likelihood of finding a moderately sentient public official in local government is pretty iffy! So, no, the East New Haven Republican did not pledge to reform his police department. Instead, he pointed out that some of his best friends meals are Mexican

    Maturo: "I might have tacos when I go home. I'm not quite sure yet. I have spent two years in Puerto Rico, um, I will probably do the same thing for the Latino community…"

    Reporter: "You realize that's not really the comment to say right now, you might have tacos tonight."

    Maturo: "I might have spaghetti tonight…Being of Italian descent, I, in this community, have been at times thought to be of an ethnic background…

    Maturo has since apologized for his comments, saying he "let the stress of the situation get the best of me and inflamed what is already a serious and unfortunate situation," but perhaps he also owes an apology to all the ethnic and religious groups he has NOT reached out to. When African-Americans are allegedly stopped and frisked without probable cause, does Maturo ever soothe communal tensions by watching a Flavor Flav marathon on TV? And what did he think of the State of the Union address (Muslim outreach, of course)? Inquiring minds want to know!

    Photo by David McNew/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Civil Rights, Connecticut, FBI, Latino, Police, Racism
  • Barack Obama Sings Al Green's "Let's Stay Together"

    President Obama — at the Apollo Theater in New York City last night — showing that, just like Newt Gingrich, he still knows how to charm the voters right out of their votes

    Wait a minute. I hope Barack Obama cleared the rights for that song with Hi Records and its parent company ABS Entertainment Inc. before breaking into song. It'd be pretty embarrassing to see the FBI descend upon our president and throw him into prison for the heinous crime of copyright violation.

    And, from what I understand, that place last night was crawling with federal agents.


    Tags: Barack Obama, FBI, Internet, Music, Online Piracy
  • Tworld News: Week of June 24

    The news, politics and humans in general are complicated. Twitter is simple. Comedians are here to bridge the gap:

    Obama calls for fast troop removal plan in Afghanistan, implicitly confirms speculation that he's probably a terrorist.

    Whitey Bulger may be suspected of 19 murders, but that's no reason to ignore the fact that his name is Whitey Bulger.

    Read More »


    Tags: Afghanistan, Amish, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, FBI, John McCain, Jon Huntsman, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Tworld News
  • Christine O'Donnell Is Being Persecuted by the FBI Because Just Because

    So, you may have heard that there's maybe a federal investigation underway to determine if Senate candidate hilarious performance artist Christine O'Donnell misused campaign for personal use such as rent, broomsticks, eyes of newt, etc.

    Obviously, this is merely a case of the FBI and the Vice President's office persecuting Christine O'Donnell for reasons that make obvious sense. Obviously!

    "There's been no impermissible use of campaign funds whatsoever," O'Donnell told ABC's "Good Morning America."

    O'Donnell, the tea party favorite who scored a surprise primary victory before losing in the general election, suggested the accusations are driven by political establishments on the right and left, including Joe Biden. He represented Delaware in the Senate for decades before he became vice president.

    "You have to look at this whole thug-politic tactic for what it is," she said Thursday.

    Yes. That is a very likely scenario she lays out there. The Vice-President of the United States is cashing in on all his clout in Delaware to exact some sort of vengeance against a person who handed the Democrats a laughably easy win. Very very likely.

    She should sell the rights to that story! It would certainly make a fantastic movie! My only concern is whether or they can get Dan Aykroyd to provide the voice of the CGI-animated hipster iguana who Biden pays off in magical doubloons to ruin O'Donnell's life. Do you think his schedule is open? Yikes!


    Tags: Christine O’Donnell, Delaware, FBI, Joe Biden, Money, Senate