The Onion: Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'

From The Onion…

"I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room," said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. "Unfortunately, though, I'm not employed by the U.S. government, I'm not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists."

"And again, neither do I," the imaginary man added.

According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we've been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

I feel so much more un-less make-believe pretend safe for not unknowing this.

Tags: CIA, FBI, Homeland Security, Military, Pentagon, Terrorism, The Onion

With Nothing Better to Do, FBI Threatens Wikipedia with Lawsuit

by David Wolinsky

The FBI, having just discovered this thing called "the Internet," recently sent the Wikimedia Foundation a letter threatening legal action if Wikipedia refuses to remove an image of the bureau's seal on the FBI's entry by mid-August.

Wikimedia Foundation General Counsel Mike Godwin shot back a ballsy note insisting the FBI’s reading of the law it cited is both "idiosyncratic… and, more importantly, incorrect [PDF]," which is pretty cold coming from Wikipedia…

"Badges and identification cards are physical manifestations that may be used by a possessor to invoke the authority of the federal government. An encyclopedia article is not. The use of the image on Wikipedia is not for the purpose of deception or falsely to represent anyone as an agent of the federal government."

Just so we’re straight on this: One of the biggest intelligence agencies in the world was unaware that it could simply take down the logo itself from Wikipedia if it so desired. Also, yes, Wikipedia just corrected the FBI — and cited its sources.

It seems the FBI still has a ways to go in being a responsible Internet entity, though: It hasn’t yet connected the dots between the kids’ section of its website with a make-your-own-badge kit complete with the offending seal and the rise of people impersonating FBI agents.

Tags: FBI, Wikipedia

Failed Times Square Bomber Arrested Failing to Fly to Dubai

Good news, everybody! They arrested the guy who tried to blow up Times Square…

Federal agents and police detectives arrested [Faisal Shahzad] a Connecticut man, a naturalized United States citizen from Pakistan, early Tuesday in connection with the failed Times Square car bombing, according to people briefed on the investigation…

Mr. Shahzad was taken into custody at Kennedy Airport, apparently trying to flee, one of the people said. Charges against Mr. Shahzad, who had returned recently from a trip to Pakistan, were not announced.

There you go. He was just some guy who recently got back from a mysterious trip to his native country of Pakistan — where the U.S. is currently waging a CIA drone war against the Taliban — and the FBI arrested him on his way to the United Arab Emirates — where a bunch of people were just caught funneling money to, um, well… the Taliban.

But, we got him! So, everything's cool. Nothing at all to worry about from now until the next time on.

Tags: Faisal Shahzad, FBI, New York, New York City, Pakistan, Taliban, Terrorism

FBI Arrests Second Man in Two Days for Making Some Phone Calls or Something

Yesterday, the FBI arrested a Washington state man for making numerous threatening phone calls to Sen. Patty Murray.

And now, today the FBI is arresting a California man for making numerous threatening phones calls to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi…

The FBI arrested a northern California man Wednesday for allegedly making threatening phone calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over health care reform, law enforcement officials told The Associated Press…

Several federal officials said the man made dozens of calls to Pelosi's homes in California and Washington, as well as to her husband's business office. They said he recited her home address and said if she wanted to see it again, she would not support the health care overhaul bill that since has been enacted.

Jesus! It's getting so that a guy can't promise his legislator that he'll dance an ecstatic dance in the moonlight draped only in the legislator's excoriated skin if it's the last thing he ever does without The Man getting all over his back.

I don't even recognize this country anymore.

Tags: Barack Obama, California, Charles Alan Wilson, FBI, Health Care, House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, Patty Murray, Senate, Tea Party, Washington

Two New Jersey Mayors Arrested in Corruption Probe Because Of Course

If there was only one New Jersey mayor being arrested in an FBI sting operation, this wouldn't even be news. It'd just be Thursday.

But… well, there's two New Jersey mayor being arrested in an FBI sting operation today, so I guess someone should report on it…

FBI agents are sweeping across northern New Jersey Thursday, making arrests in what reportedly is described as a major corruption probe.

WNBC-TV in New York reported and showed images of the mayors of Hoboken [Peter Cammarano] and Secaucus [Dennis Elwell] being taken into FBI headquarters in Newark. The station also showed rabbis being taken into custody… The stations say the probe centers on money-laundering and political bid rigging.

Why don't they just write articles for when there's not a money-laundering or political scandal happening in New Jersey? That would be bigger news.

Oh, I guess then the local papers where I grew up wouldn't really have much to write about. Well, except for all the trannies who travel there to get killed during voodoo magic rites. You know, boring stuff.

Tags: Corruption, FBI, New Jersey, Religion