The Onion: U.S. Economy Grinds to Halt as Nation Realizes Money Just a Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

The Onion reports on a matter of some mild economic concern…

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed [Federal Reserve chairman Ben] Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it — the money, our whole economy — it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.

This is precisely the reason I got rid of all my money a few months ago and started investing in Glenn Beck commemorative chinaware.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, Economy, Federal Reserve, Money, Orrin Hatch, Senate, The Onion

Senate Votes 70-30 To Keep Ben Bernanke Off the Unemployment Rolls

Imagine the chaos that would have ensued if the Senate hadn't voted to end a filibuster and confirm Ben Bernanke for a second term…

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), chairman of the Banking Committee, cast the first vote to end the filibuster after spending the last two weeks warning his colleagues about what rebuffing Bernanke would do the stock market. "Warren Buffett was asked on CNBC on this nomination. All he said [was], 'If you turn him down, let me know in a day or two of advance because I would like to sell off stocks.' Why? 'Because the message to the stock market would be a devastating one,'" Dodd told the chamber.

Got that? Now imagine the chaos that will ensue because Ben Bernanke just won a second term.

It'll be totally different.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, Chris Dodd, Economy, Federal Reserve, Senate

The Daily Show's Best Ben Bernanke Moments

As you know, the rumors have been all over the place. First it looked like he was out, and now they say he's still in. Of course the biggest question in either case is, how will the markets react? Well, that and will he go back to Jen? I guess all we can do is sit back and wait for Angelina to make a decision. And while we do that, why not enjoy these Daily Show videos about Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke?

Slim Thug: Still a Boss

The list continues below.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 1oc.

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Tags: Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke, Economy, Federal Reserve, Henry Paulson, John Hodgman, Jon Stewart, Recession, TARP, The Daily Show, Video, Wyatt Cenac

Ben Bernanke Beats a Chinese Worker

Time Magazine has named Ben Bernanke "Person of the Year" for 2009, the last year in which conversational date shorthand will be easy (oh-ten? ten?).

Wonder what Ben's critics on Capitol Hill think of this citation, especially the first bit…

"He was the great scholar of the Depression who saw another depression coming, and did everything he could to stop it," [Time managing editor Richard] Stengel said of Bernanke. "He's a controversial figure. He's a Republican appointed by a Democratic president. It's a really interesting combination of factors."

Also interesting is Time's list of runners-up, which includes "the Chinese worker," a symbolic amalgamation of all those faraway people whose names are too hard to pronounce anyway. Sorry, symbolic Chinese worker, better luck next year! (Let's go with oh-ten.) At least you have the honor of knowing that you manufactured the clippers Ben Bernanke uses to keep his beard tidy, so in that sense, you win.

Heck, we all win.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, China, Federal Reserve, Time Magazine

Former Ballplayer Pulls a "Tiger Woods' Wife" on Ben Bernanke

Lots of poop got thrown at Ben Bernanke during his Senate confirmation hearing yesterday, but the MVP award goes to Jim Bunning, pitcher from Kentucky.

The Wall Street Journal has the full text of his statement. It is epic.

Four years ago [...] I was the only Senator to even raise serious concerns about you. I opposed you because I knew you would continue the legacy of Alan Greenspan, and I was right. But I did not know how right I would be and could not begin to imagine how wrong you would be in the following four years. [...]

[Y]ou have decided that just about every large bank, investment bank, insurance company, and even some industrial companies are too big to fail. Rather than making management, shareholders, and debt holders feel the consequences of their risk-taking, you bailed them out. In short, you are the definition of moral hazard.

From monetary policy to regulation, consumer protection, transparency, and independence, your time as Fed Chairman has been a failure. [...] Where I come from we punish failure, not reward it. That is certainly the way it was when I played baseball, and the way it is all across America. Judging by the current Treasury Secretary, some may think Washington does reward failure, but that should not be the case. I will do everything I can to stop your nomination and drag out the process as long as possible.

Listen, if anybody knows about failure being punished, it is Jim Bunning.

Being forced into retirement by your own party after being named one of America's five worst senators will do that to a man.

(Seriously though: it's nice that people want to keep Ben on his toes. I just don't understand why it's only the crazy people.)

Tags: Ben Bernanke, Economy, Federal Reserve, Jim Bunning, Sports