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Founding Fathers
  • If Only Kirk Cameron Were Marty McFly

    While addressing the goodly crowd at Tony Perkins' annual Values Voter Summit this afternoon, Kirk Cameron lamented a sad reality of life that I think a lot of us know all too well…

    "If only my name was Marty McFly and I had a DeLorean. And I could go back and talk to [the Founding Fathers] and asked them 'What are we doing wrong?'"

    If only we could live and behave like a fictional character in an invented world that is not beholden everyday physics as is understood by science, one in which the bad guys are punished and the good guys live happily ever after. Sigh. If only…

    Alas. I suppose Kirk Cameron and all the other conservative Christians who are attending the Values Voter Summit with him this weekend will just have to make due with their Biblical interpretation of reality. At least until they're all raptured away while the rest of us are hurled into a lake of fire that shall never be quenched.

    Tags: Christianity, Founding Fathers, Kirk Cameron, Movies, Nerdiness, Tony Perkins, Values Voter Summit
  • Thomas Jefferson Running for Congress in Kansas

    Rep. Mike Pompeo — a freshman incumbent in the safely-Republican 4th district of Kansas — is facing a challenge from Thomas Jefferson.

    A part-time stand-up comedian and  Libertarian candidate formerly known as Jack Talbert legally changed his name to Thomas Jefferson in an effort to boost his candidacy and garner attention for his Ron Paul-ish views, which include returning the U.S. to the gold standard and restraining the Federal Reserve…

    "When people see that Thomas Jefferson's on the ballot, half will think I'm committed to the Libertarian Party and the other half will probably think I should be committed," Jefferson said. "But whether you think it's crazy or not, hopefully it gets people thinking about the founding fathers and Thomas Jefferson in particular and whether we have that form of government still."

    And here I thought Black Metrosexual Abe Lincoln was the only historic figure active in current politics. At least Jefferson's wife seems approving of the name change, which suggests that the artist formerly known as Talbert has not taken historical veracity to its endpoint by banging the help.

    Should this novel campaign strategy turn into a trend, voters are likely to be confused by the proliferation of Jesus H. Reagans and Franklin D. Kennedys on their ballots, along with a bunch of Ron Paul-inspired candidates who rename themselves after the Founding Fathers. Which is somewhat redundant. Voters aren't going to think a candidate hates taxes and is uncomfortable with black people because his name is Thomas Jefferson. They'll think that because he's a libertarian.

    Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

    Tags: Founding Fathers, House of Representatives, Kansas, Libertarian, Thomas Jefferson
  • The Founding Fathers on Obamacare

    Whenever Americans have needed a higher authority to justify their preexisting political beliefs, we've turned to the words of the Founding Fathers for historical backup.

    In that spirit, four dissenting Supreme Court Justices in the Affordable Care Act case called upon the ghost of Alexander Hamilton to oppose the individual mandate. If Congress can require Americans to purchase insurance, the dissenting justices wrote, "then the Commerce Clause becomes a font of unlimited power, or in Hamilton's words, "the hideous monster whose devouring jaws…spare neither sex nor age, nor high nor low, nor sacred nor profane."

    Sadly, Crtl-F search through the Federalist Papers by a law clerk is not the same thing as actually reading the Federalist Papers, because in fact, Hamilton was being sarcastically derisive of the opponents of expanded federal power, making fun of Anti-Federalists for suggesting that the new Constitution would turn the government in to a "hideous monster." Hamilton was an early fan of muscular government if there ever was one.

    As Benjamin Franklin wrote, "Beware of quotes you find on the Internet, because they are often made up or taken out of context."

    Thanks to recent discoveries in the world of particle physics, we've been able to bring a couple of the Founding Fathers in to the 21st century in order to seek their opinion on Obamacare. Unfortunately, they first had more questions for us, such as, "Does Obamacare cover leaches?" Mostly, they were very pretty perturbed by the whole black guy in the White House thing.

    Eventually John Jay was hit by a horseless carriage and we had to call the whole thing off. Some things will remain a mystery.

    Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images

    Tags: Alexander Hamilton, Founding Fathers, Health Care, Supreme Court
  • Even Founding Fathers Sometimes Put Stuff Up Their Pee Holes

    Gouverneur Morris' name may not fall as easily from pundits' mouths as Founding Fathers like Thomas Jefferson or Ben Franklin, but his life story is still incredibly impressive. He served as a Pennsylvania delegate to the Constitutional Convention in 1787 — giving more speeches than any other delegate — and wrote large chunks of the U.S. Constitution, to which he would eventually add his signature.

    And then there's also the matter of his death

    In 1816, [Gouverneur] Morris died after sticking a piece of whale bone through his urinary tract to relieve a blockage. He died at the family estate, Morrisania, and was buried at St. Ann's Church in the The Bronx.

    Keep that in mind the next time somebody corners you with a lecture on the infalible wisdom of the Founding Fathers. Which is not to say that Morris was not in fact wise. It's just to say that even the wisest amongst us sometimes stick whale bones up our dick holes.

    Figuratively speaking.

    (via Reddit)

    Tags: Constitution, Founding Fathers, Gouverneur Morris, Health
  • How Barack Obama and Thomas Jefferson Ruined Independence Day

    Was your 4th of July "Lemon, wet, good," like Mitt Romney's lemonade? If so, you're lucky, because for many conservative activists the day was Obama, Muslim, bad.

    This time, the freakout was precipitated by Barack Obama's promotion of the DREAM Act before an audience of newly naturalized Americans. The outrage is best summed up on Twitchy, a site named for the seizure-like reaction readers experience when spending more than five minutes on the Michelle Malkin-led Twitter aggregator…

    Is there anything President Obama doesn't have the self-serving gall to politicize? The president decided that today's naturalization ceremony for immigrants serving in the United States military was a sweet opportunity to talk up a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants…

    The country Obama loves is one where the president welcomes new citizens by forcing them to hear about amnesty on the very day they take the oath of citizenship. What a disgrace.

    You know who else used July 4th (or actually, the 2nd) to politicize immigration? The guys who wrote and signed the Declaration of Independence

    He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

    How dare Thomas Jefferson politicize the Declaration of Independence with a mention of opening American borders to more immigrants? Where is his birth certificate? Is he even a Christian? He was a what? What the hell is a deist?

    Shouldn't the Founders have had the foresight to know that the appropriators of their political legacy would one day be very keen on being pro-Jesus, but only one Jesus damnit, because the other Jesuses can go back to Mexico? How inconsiderate of them.

    Photo by Sara D. Davis/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: 4th of July, Barack Obama, Conservatives, Declaration of Independence, Dream Act, Founding Fathers, Immigration, Thomas Jefferson