John Kerry Is Boring in Every Language

Secretary of State John "Human Ambien" Kerry's facility with French is well-known, even if he keeps his cunning linguistics hidden when he's on American soil.

But did you know he spoke German?

Kerry: [in German] Very good, thank you. All is well. Your shoes are fantastic, yes? [...] No, no, I can only speak a little German. But I would say, it is wonderful to be back herein Berlin. Thank you. And now I will speak in English because it's easier. [end of German]

And Italian?

Kerry thanked Prime Minister Mario Monti in Italian for his "spirit of friendship."

And Norwegian!?

[Kerry] won praise from his Norwegian counterpart Espen Barth Eide, who said after talks at the State Department that Kerry "can even speak quite impressively Norwegian phrases."

Eide added, "Secretary Kerry made a very good poi– Zzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: France, Germany, Italy, John Kerry, Norway, Secretary of State

Tweet Untweet: Gift Horses

AIG may sue USA over the terms of their bailout, which is like France suing USA cos we messed up their beach on D-Day.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 8, 2013

Tags: AIG, France, Tweet Untweet, Twitter, WWII

Bill Clinton Can Only Be President of Your Heart

There have to be less onerous ways to atone for one's sins than appearing on CNN's Piers Morgan — Jews manage to get away with just a daylong fast — but there Bill Clinton was, speaking to Morgan at the Clinton Global Initiative and considering a return to presidential politics…

There are only two countries I'm eligible to run for the leadership position is if I move to Ireland and buy a house, I can — I can run for president of Ireland, because of my Irish heritage.

And because I was born in Arkansas, which is part of the Louisiana Purchase, any person anywhere in the world that was born in a place that ever was part of the French empire, if you move to — if you live in France for six months and speak French, you can run for president.

As with many things that come out of Clinton's mouth, this has the distinction of being  both utterly charming and complete bullshit.

Irish law requires that at least one parent or grandparent be an Irish citizen at the time of your birth to generate a claim of citizenship through "heritage." As for the electoral chances of President of the French Republic Le Bubba, residents of former French territories are no longer eligible to apply for citizenship without going through the regular naturalization process.

For better or worse, the closest Clinton will come to a presidency is Barack Obama's ongoing campaign to convince voters he's running Clinton's third term.

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Related: Romney's Tax Issues Linked to Bill Clinton's Underwear, Obviously

Photo by Johannes Simon/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Bill Clinton, CNN, France, Ireland, Piers Morgan

Our Endorsements: The Fool on the Hill

* Mitt Romney's "Magical Underwear Tour" is waiting to take you away to The Hamptons.

* Hillary Clinton like you've never seen her before.

* Funny or Die's Ronna and Beverly talk to Veep actor Matt Walsh.

* The Washington Monument gets set up with some uppity French building, from The Onion.

* Obama and Romney as teenagers on facebook, from College Humor.

Tags: Barack Obama, Beatles, Daily Links, Facebook, France, HBO, Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, vice president, Washington Monument

Tweet Untweet: It's in the Name

France just swore in yet another president named François, which still gives me hope for my son Unitedstatesio Wade.

— Wade (@WadetoBlack) May 15, 2012

Tags: France, Tweet Untweet, Twitter