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  • Michele Bachmann Aides Won't Stop Snitching

    Michele Bachmann suspends her campaignFive former Michele Bachmann staffers are accusing the former presidential candidate of not paying them for their campaign work unless they sign a nondisclosure agreement that prohibits them talking about any "unethical, immoral, or criminal activity" they may have witnessed during the campaign. (This is probably the least-abusive thing a Republican politician has done to workers in the past few months.)

    Thanks to Peter Waldron, a full-time evangelical crusader, part-time Bachmann campaign volunteer and one-time terrorism suspect, we know what those shady activities may have been.

    According to a complaint Waldron filed with the FEC, the Bachmann campaign illegally sent payments to Iowa state campaign chairman Kent Sorenson — a state senator who later joined Ron Paul's campaign — and improperly used money from MichelePAC to pay a fundraising consultant.

    In addition to these small-time campaign finance infractions, Waldron accused Bachmann of being under the "Rasputin-like" spell of her debate coach, Brett O'Donnell, who allegedly "prohibited her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, from sleeping in the same room with wife while on the campaign trail."

    Naturally, these allegations are being denied by other Bachmann staffers, a few of whom are not crazed fanatics once accused of arms-smuggling in Africa. Nevertheless, all of these staffers did at one time agree that Bachmann was the best person to be the next President of the United States, so it's not clear whom we should trust.

    In the meantime, we need more staffers to reveal more dirt about Bachmann, like how she manages to keep getting elected in Minnesota and what she did with the other "L" in her name.

    The 56 Best Things About Michele Bachmann

    Photo by Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: FEC, Fundraising, Marcus Bachmann, Michele Bachmann
  • Mitt Romney: Beware of Obama Bearing Gifts

    Whatever you think about free will, we're all bound by our essential natures. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly and Mitt Romney has to sound like a sneering plutocrat, telling a group of wealthy donors that Barack Obama bribed the electorate with free stuff…

    "The Obama campaign was following the old playbook of giving a lot of stuff to groups that they hoped they could get to vote for them and be motivated to go out to the polls, specifically the African American community, the Hispanic community and young people," Romney told hundreds of donors during a telephone town hall Wednesday. "In each case they were very generous in what they gave to those groups…"

    "The president's campaign," he said, "focused on giving targeted groups a big gift — so he made a big effort on small things. Those small things, by the way, add up to trillions of dollars."

    This sounds a lot like the Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly theory of the election: Kenyan dude gave away Obamaphones so the poors would vote for him.

    But if you give Romney the benefit of the doubt, all he's saying is that Barack Obama's policies improved the lives of a lot of people. Which, I guess, government is not supposed to do? Government is supposed to immiserate people and send them off to dumb wars, like during the Bush administration, and hope voters are cool with that. Not sure, but this thinking may have been a flaw in Romney's campaign strategy.

    Though it's not like Romney doesn't appreciate the importance of gifts. His speeches to donors were the biggest present the Obama campaign could have received.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Fundraising, Mitt Romney
  • Ron Paul Still Beating Mitt Romney in Military Donations

    Ron Paul. He's either running the Campaign for Liberty or hatching a plan to kidnap Ben Bernanke's dog, but he's certainly no longer running for president.

    Yet according to the latest FEC reports, Paul is still outpacing Mitt Romney when it comes to donations from members of the military, even though he hasn't received new contributions since the Summer. Including September's fundraising numbers, Paul has raised $399,274 from members of the armed forces, while Romney has taken in $398,450.

    The gap grows even starker when employees of the Department of Defense are excluded, leaving only members of the combat services. Paul roughly doubled Romney's contributions from the U.S. Navy. This despite Romney's promise to equip the Navy with dozens of new warships, while eliminating at least one of Iran's shorelines from the map.

    Nevertheless, the overall leader in military donations remains Barack Obama, with $678,611 from military contributors. It's a sign of how deep the rot has set into American society since Obama took office. It used to be only Democrats who didn't support the troops. Now we can't even be sure the troops are supporting the troops.

    Photo by T.J. Kirkpatrick/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Fundraising, Military, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul
  • Kid Rock and Paul Ryan Debase a Perfectly Good Guitar

    Though Republicans are expected to have an overall spending advantage in the closing days of the campaign, largely thanks to outside groups like Crossroads GPS and Americans for Prosperity, the Obama campaign has itself out-raised the Romney camp. All those dinners with Jay-Z and stalkerish date-like e-mails have produced a slight cash on-hand advantage for the president.

    The Romney's campaign response: Bring in Kid Rock. Though "no contribution or payment of any kind is necessary to enter or win," Romney/Ryan are trying to beef up their fundraising listserv by raffling off "a piece of history," a guitar signed by Kid Rock and Paul Ryan.

    According to the promotion, the "total approximate retail value of the prize is $300." Which can be a perfectly nice gift, depending on whether one has the disposable income to refurbish the instrument and erase Kid Rock's signature.

    Tags: Fundraising, Music, Paul Ryan
  • Our Endorsements: Obama's Everything Must Go Sale

    * This Fire Sale should help Obama stay in office.

    The ways Romney will ruin PBS, from Jest.

    The Onion analyzes Ohio so no one else has to.

    * Romney does not like to be groomed by strangers.

    * This is what your butt will look like under Obamacare.

    * Ohio democrats are playing with unnecessary roughness.

    Mitt gives a care. Hmmm. Wish I could make that rhyme.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Daily Links, Democrats, Fundraising, Health Care, Mitt Romney, Ohio, PBS, The Onion