Gabrielle Giffords Brings Unity to Washington by Almost Dying

To those who say Washington is broken. To those who say politicians have no respect for one another, let alone the men and women they represent. To those who wonder if anything can fix the toxic, pervasive culture of partisan enmity, I say, behold Gabrielle Giffords' example…

[The House of Representatives held a] 408-to-zero vote Wednesday morning on the last measure authored by Giffords, a bill that would give federal law enforcement greater authority in combating cross-border drug trafficking.

Hey! Apparently all you have to do to bypass legislative deadlock is get near-fatally shot in the head and then leave office to focus on salvaging some physical control over the right side of your body.

Get ready for the DREAM Act to pass as soon as Dick Durbin gets run over by a madman-driven snowplow.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Gabrielle Giffords, House of Representatives

From the Pork Barrel: Secretary Cain

* Herman Cain wants to be Mitt Romney's Secretary of Defense because you don't need to know anything about a country to blow it up. Hell, you don't even need to know its name.

* That guy who pretended to be a Muslim for James O'Keefe is accusing him of not having the highest journalistic standards in town.

* Gabrielle Giffords's husband is mad at John Boehner for not coming to visit his wife in the hospital. Personally, I'd view that as a professional courtesy.

* Congress declares pizza a vegetable. (This seems wrong to me. I think it's more likely that they were actually talking about Herman Cain.)

Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Food, Gabrielle Giffords, Herman Cain, House of Representatives, James O'Keefe, John Boehner, Military, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans

Republicans Raffle Off a Glock in Gabrielle Giffords' District

Down in the great state of Arizona, Pima County Republicans had themselves a great idea: Let's celebrate the kids goin' back to school by havin' a gun raffle! And for extra karma points, let's raffle off a gun from the same manufacturer as the one that killed a bunch of people (including a little girl) and almost killed Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, right here in our county, back in January! And heck, let's publish a tasteful announcement in our newsletter! Wheeeeeee!

"Get yourself a new Glock 23 .40 cal handgun for just 10 bucks — if your name is drawn," the newsletter reads.

A picture of the handgun, being raffled with three 12-round magazines and a case, also appears in the newsletter. The Republicans are selling 125 tickets.

Mike Shaw, chairman pro tem of the Pima County Republicans, and Frank Antenori, a Republican state senator who has filed paperwork for a potential run against Giffords, did not immediately return phone calls seeking comment.

I know what you're thinking, but it's okay! Jared Lee Loughner didn't murder six Arizonans and wound Giffords with a Glock 23 .40 caliber gun. He used a Glock 19 9 mm, so this auction is totally normal and not at all upsetting or insensitive. Plus, the Glock website says the Glock 19 is "ideal for versatile use" (like, you know, murdering children and grown-ups), whereas the Glock 23 is the "official service pistol" of the FBI, which makes all of this downright patriotic. Thanks, Pima County Republicans!

Photo by Dennis Flaherty/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

Tags: Arizona, Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Republicans

Quote Unquote: The Cracked Head Club

Vice president Joe Biden — who has previously undergone two craniotomies — to Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, upon seeing her on the House floor for the first time since the failed attempt on her life this past January…

"Now we’re both members of the Cracked Head Club."

Of course he said that. Of course he did. That's pretty much what we were all assuming Joe Biden was going to say to some person or other who was shot in the head at some point, isn't it? I mean, maybe not that exact phrasing, but something very similar to that.

And I remain convinced that he will one day tell a foreign head of state that he would love to get "All up in dat." It's gonna happen, I'm telling you.

Tags: Gabrielle Giffords, Health, House of Representatives, Joe Biden, Quote Unquote

Samantha Bee and John Oliver Offer Helpful Criticism to Arizona's Mourners

Look, I know everybody feels really bad about this Arizona shooting tragedy — I'm not taking that away from anyone — but I feel particularly bad right now. I feel like I missed a really big opportunity. You see, I've been working on these dye pills you can swallow that make your tear ducts literally shed red white and blue tears. If I'd have been a little faster with the patent, this would have been such a great time to introduce them to the market…

Watch Stephen Colbert's coverage of the President's mourning show.

The Daily Show and Colbert Report air Monday through Thursday starting at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Brian Kilmeade, Brit Hume, Fox, Gabrielle Giffords, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Music, Religion, Samantha Bee, The Daily Show, Video