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Gabrielle Giffords
  • Stephen Colbert on Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Angriness

    Who is to say what constitutes "incendiary rhetoric"? I mean, you can measure your rhetoric for incendiariness, can you? How many incendiary angels can dance on the head of a rhetorical pin? Two, maybe three? Do you see what I'm getting at here? I think you understand all too well…

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

    Tags: Adolf Hitler, Arizona, Gabrielle Giffords, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
  • Barack Obama Asks America to Please Turn Down the Volume Please!

    Last night, President Obama spoke before an audience of mournful Arizonians, and a few hundred TV cameras, and urged the country to be a little less Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! and a little more Meeehhh

    The New York Times gives a feel for what it was like in the room

    In a widely anticipated address, a somber Mr. Obama told more than 14,000 people in a gymnasium at the University of Arizona — and millions watching on their television sets — that it was time to “pause for a moment, and to make sure that we are talking to each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.”…

    Wednesday night’s memorial service was finally the time to break away from the cacophony of the past five days, with its accompanying accusations that vitriol on the airwaves contributed to the tragedy and counteraccusations of political opportunism. Instead, the service was finally a chance to pay homage to the six lives that were taken.

    Aw, that sounds kind of nice…

    The scene at McKale Arena at the University of Arizona was a surreal mix of grief and celebration; it seemed to be part church service, part political rally, under the auspices of a college basketball event. Arizona Wildcats championship banners hung on the rafters above while long lines of people queued up at the concession stands for Cokes.

    Hrrmmm… That sounds kind of… less nice. Kind of weird.

    I mean, Cokes at a memorial service? Call me old fashioned, but I always considered Mountain Dew the most reverential of soft drinks. Because, if you're gonna drink soda at a memorial service, you should at least have the decency to not enjoy it.

    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Food, Gabrielle Giffords, House of Representatives
  • Elderly Heroes Still Know How to Kick Some Ass

    When you think of the average Pop-Pop, you probably don't picture him shot and bleeding while still kicking an armed 22-year-old madman's ass. And when you think of the average Grandmom, you probably don't envision her restraining said armed madman like a fucking Bond chick.

    But last Saturday in Arizona, a couple of oldsters busted out some superhero moves and helped take down a murderer. Here are some details about our first Senior Hero, 74-year-old retired Army colonel Bill Badger

    Badger said he dropped to the ground to avoid the fire but felt something graze the back of his head.

    "I dropped down all the way to the ground, and I lowered my head about 6 inches. I felt this burning, stinging sensation right in the back of my head," he said.

    Then the shooting stopped. The gunman had run out of ammunition. Badger said he was disoriented but saw another man hit the gunman over the head with a chair. Badger said he then grabbed the shooter's left wrist and forced him to the ground with the help of several others.

    Meanwhile, a woman knocked a second clip of ammunition out of the gunman's hand. Badger said he got the shooter in a choke hold while another man forced his knee into the suspect's neck.
    This guy didn't even realize he'd been shot in the fucking head. He just sprang right into action, bleeding all over the damn place, and kicking ass like a man half his age. If that ain't some real-life Gran Torino-type shit, we don't know what is.

    Oh, and about that lady who "knocked a second clip of ammunition out of the gunman's hand?" That would be 61-year-old Patricia Maisch

    Two men tackled the gunman and they fell close to Maisch. She saw the shooter reach into his left pants pocket for another ammunition clip and grabbed his hand and then knelt on his ankles to help subdue him.

    She grabbed the gun and the magazine. According to eyewitnesses, she was screaming, "Give me the gun!"

    In this country, we tend to ignore The Olds or characterize them as cute, doddering bits of comic relief. If we can glean any positive message from this horrible story, it may be that America's elderly are tough as fucking nails.

    Next time you start to politely turn down your grandmother's offer of brussels sprouts, hold your tongue and take a good look at her. That glint in her eye ain't sugary sweetness; it's barely-caged, tigerlike ferocity. Then you'd better say, "Thank you, ma'am" and take a double helping.

    Tags: Arizona, Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Jared Lee Loughner
  • Quote Unquote: Bizarro Sarah Palin

    Sarah Palin, in response to criticism she received in the wake of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords's shooting (as observed from the alternative universe in which she displays leadership qualities)…

    "My initial response was to defend the fact that I had never condoned such violence, and never would. But the fact is, if I in any way contributed to an unhealthy political climate, I have to be more careful and deliberate in my public language rather than merely sharpen my defenses."

    Also, in that universe, she has blonde hair, eats elk meat and is a Mama Black Bear.

    Tags: Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Jared Lee Loughner, Quote Unquote, Sarah Palin
  • Sarah Palin's Stirring Speech in Support of Sarah Palin

    Look, people. If there's one thing that gets Sarah Palin's hackles up, it's people criticizing Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin simply will not stand for it! So, obviously, when Sarah Palin discovered recently that a lot of people were implicating Sarah Palin's violent-ish rhetoric and use of cartography symbols as contributing to an atmosphere that led ultimately to the assassination attempt on Rep. Gabrielle Giffords's life, Sarah Palin decided that enough was enough and came to Sarah Palin's defense, delivering this moving speech for the ages…

    These eight minutes seems to be mostly full of boilerplate rhetorical curlicues and overstuffed sentences written specifically to make this defense of herself seem "presidential" in that vague kind of sense that people take the word "presidential" to mean. But there's one part that people seems to be the focus of a lot of attention

    "Especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn. That is reprehensible."

    Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. Sure, it's kind of a nerdy reference to drop in the middle of a serious speech like this, but it's not that big a deal. And blood libels are bad news. You gotta kill that shit with fire. Take my word for it. One time, on this one campaign, our whole party walked into this octagonal dungeon room full of mirrors, and all we could see all around us were thousands and thousands of reflections of ourselves. What we didn't realize though, was that there was a blood libel hanging on the ceiling waiting to drop on us, and when it did…

    Wait a minute. That wasn't a blood libel. That was a black pudding.

    So, what the hell is a blood libel?

    Tags: Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Jared Lee Loughner, Sarah Palin