The Loneliest Tea Partier

Washington state cast its 12 electoral votes for Barack Obama, as was the will of its electorate. Its voters also saw fit to legalize both gay marriage and recreational marijuana usage.

So, as I'm sure you can imagine, a place like Seattle is pretty much a nightmarish hellscape of oppression for freedom-loving Tea Party activists…

"It's getting harder and harder for me. I was at Trader Joe's, and I was glaring at everyone around me," says Keli Carender, 33, co-organizer of the local group… "I kept thinking I was surrounded by people who are destroying freedom,"says Carender. "It's starting to make me angry, not wanting to be around these people."

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Tags: Drugs, LGBT, Marijuana, Marriage Equality, Tea Party, Washington

From the Pork Barrel: John Edwards for President

* The Onion endorses John Edwards for President! (This matters about as much as the Salt Lake Tribune's Obama endorsement.)

* Hispanic voters may decide the outcome in three important swing states. Good thing Romney had his son speak in Spanish at the convention. The electoral votes are as good as his!

* I worked really really hard on a joke for this story, so I hope you like it.

* Marriage equality is looking pretty safe in Maryland. If only Omar were around to see this.

* Download our free iPhone and iPad app Indecision Election Companion and jump up into the the Peanut Gallery — our liveblog/instant reaction arena — to watch and respond as Sen. Marco Rubio appears on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday morning at 10:30 am (EST).

Photo by Sara D. Davis/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, John Edwards, LGBT, Marco Rubio, Marriage Equality, Maryland, Meet the Press, Mitt Romney, Pork Barrel, The Onion

Federal Court Strikes Down DOMA, Tradition, Apple Pie

Bad news for America's increasingly small, elderly and (presumably) angry-at-every-sitcom-on-TV group of same-sex marriage opponents…

A divided federal appeals court in Manhattan struck down the Defense of Marriage Act Thursday as unconstitutional, joining an appeals court in Boston in rejecting the law that defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

Yeah, I know, it's Manhattan. Home of the Stonewall riots — a place where you can't register to vote without identifying as bi-curious or higher. But just listen to what the judge wrote in his majority opinion…

"Even if preserving tradition were in itself an important goal, DOMA is not a means to achieve it."

Even if preserving tradition were important? Of course it is. Just don't ask any women voters, black students, Asian immigrants, Industrial Revolution-era child laborers, interracial couples or basketball players who shoot from the three-point line.

Some people just don't respect our heritage.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Judiciary, Marriage Equality, New York

Stephen Colbert on Barack Obama's Secret Martian Gay Marriage

"At one point during that summer, he was my roommate. And you don't forget your roommate when you're enrolled in a secret space program for the CIA." – Andrew Andrew D. Basiago on his time spent teleporting back-and-forth to Mars with Barack Obama

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Barack Obama, CIA, EPA, LGBT, Marriage Equality, NASA, Science & Technology, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video, William Shatner

GOP Marriage Platform Plank Exactly What You'd Expect

The Republican party platform committee — tasked with reconciling the views of party activists with Mitt Romney's desire to agree with 100% of what 100% of the people believe 100% of the time — is currently meeting in Tampa ahead of next week's GOP Convention to draft a list of party principles and positions.

The language on marriage — written by none other than the Family Research Council's Tony Perkins — defends the "traditional concept of marriage," which means guys had better hold out for at least 10 goats and a small duchy before agreeing to anything. Though, I'm going to wait until someone throws a camel into the mix to keep it super-traditional.

The draft also states, "We oppose the Administration's open defiance of this principle [of separation of powers] — in its handling of immigration cases, in federal personnel benefits, in allowing a same-sex marriage at a military base, and in refusing to defend DOMA in the courts." It's not clear if reading that backwards produces a plan for creating jobs, but if you anagram the language to read, "gay bridal registry," you do get a formula for the most effective form of economic stimulus ever proposed.

The tough-sounding measure did not pass without dissent. This morning, Rhode Island delegate Barbara Fenton proposed an amendment that would have expressed formal support for same-sex civil unions.

The proposal died in a voice vote, meaning the Republican Party will continue to formally oppose anything other than marriage between one man and a series of women who will settle for him.

Photo by David McNew/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: LGBT, Marriage, Marriage Equality, Republicans