From the Pork Barrel: The Hillary Spider

* I have no idea what The Hillary Spider is all about or what it wants. All I do know is that it's going to be controlling our foreign policy for the next four-to-eight years, so we'd better be nice to it.

* I wonder if the brand new presidential limo can shoot oil slicks. (Was that lazy? That was lazy wasn't it? I think it was lazy. Sorry for being lazy.)

* CNN thinks Sarah Palin might just maybe have her eye on the presidency in 2012. That would be the first I've heard of such a preposterous idea. (You just keep thinking, CNN. That's what you're good at.)

* Who cares if Gov. Janet Napolitano hasn't quite pinned down how to keep her Arizona's homeland secure. The Unites States is way smaller than Arizona, so that should be cake. (It is, isn't it?)

* Megan Carpentier educates us all on "How not to write about sexism and Hillary Clinton." It's harder than you'd think. (Is it sexist to link to a picture of Hillary Clinton as a spider? Or would that just be speciesist? I'm okay with being speciesist.)

* Criticism of a Thomas Friedman column? That's unpossible!

* Good news! Dick Cheney is only five days away from the end of his second term, and he still hasn't made any mistakes! What a guy!

* Fucking goats! Why are they always starting fires all the time?

Tags: Arizona, CNN, Dick Cheney, Gaza, Hillary Clinton, Homeland Security, International Affairs, Israel, Janet Napolitano, New York Times, Obama Administration, Pork Barrel, Sarah Palin, Thomas Friedman

Osama bin Laden Offers Welcome Message, Advice for Barack Obama

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden took time away from his busy schedule of hiding away in the caves of Tora Bora, praying to his god of peace and planning the destruction of thousands of innocent civilians to send incoming U.S. President Barack Obama a congratulatory audio tape.

Granted, for most of the tape he goes on and on — like he does (you know what I'm talkin' about) — about Israel and Gaza and jihads and blah blah blah. But…

The al-Qaida leader also vowed that the terror network would open "new fronts" against the United States and its allies beyond Iraq and Afghanistan. He said President-elect Barack Obama has received a "heavy inheritance" from George W. Bush  — two wars and "the collapse of the economy," which he said will render the United States unable to sustain a long fight against the mujahedeen, or holy warriors.

"There is only one strong way to bring the return of Al-Aqsa and Palestine, and that is jihad in the path of God," bin Laden said in the 22-minute audiotape, referring to the revered Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem. "The duty is to urge people to jihad and to enlist the youth into jihad brigades."

Hey, Barack Obama has promised to take advice from everybody and anybody, regardless of party lines. And I think he means it.

I mean, he did meet for dinner with George Will and Bill Kristol last night. I'd have to imagine that their advice will be about as useful as bin Laden's "kill the infidels" suggestion.

But it does show that he is listening.

Tags: al Qaeda, Barack Obama, Gaza, George Will, Israel, Osama bin Laden, William Kristol

Joe the Plumber Continues to Expose World's Anti-Israel, Own Anti-Plumbing Bias

When I was young, my grandfather used to tell me stories about growing up in British Palestine. His father was a date farmer, and every day he would survey all the trees on his property. On good days, the dates would be dangling so close to the ground that he could pick all the ripe ones before the sun came up. Then he'd book it back inside so he could get back to refreshing the Huffington Post every twelve seconds.

Anyway, I don't really know why I thought of that just now, but here's Joe the Plumber ambushing an Israeli reporter yesterday:

JOE: The story here is people are being killed and the media’s slanting it and trying to make it Hamas is, uh, as far as, that Israel’s being bad. Do you believe Israel is bad?

REPORTER: Do I believe it?

JOE: Yeah, do you?!

REPORTER: I’m Israeli, so…

JOE: So answer the question!

REPORTER: No, I don’t think Israel is bad.

JOE: Do you think Israel has every right to protect itself?

REPORTER: Yeah.

[pause]

JOE: You do?!

REPORTER: Yeah.

JOE: Have you said that on air?

REPORTER: I’m just a reporter.

Hm… 11:34. Anyone else on 8th floor wanna order banh mi in 30?

Tags: Gaza, Israel, Joe the Plumber

Joe the Plumber Fights for Sixteen Minutes in a War Zone

Who knew plumbers were so multitalented? Why, since we met him in October, Joe the Plumber has claimed to be starting a charity, writing a book, running for Congress and launching a country music career. Oh, he also shilled digital TV converters and equated an Obama administration with "the death of Israel."

Now we can add another fake title to Rep. Joe the Charitable Plumber Author Foreign Policy Expert Billy Ray $40 Coupon's fake credentials: Joe the War Reporter.

And since he's proven himself capable of pronouncing the word Israel, guess where he's going…

Wurzelbacher will travel to Israel to report for the conservative website, pjtv.com. He intends to get the, often lost, Israeli reason for the offensive against Hamas.

"It's tragic, I mean it really is. I don't say that in any little way. It's very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people suppose to do,"  says Wurzelbacher.

What, indeed? Surely Wurzelbacher will be able to clear this pesky clog in the world's pipes; it's been backing up the Middle East for ages.

Thousands have died in the fighting. Joe knows the danger is very real, but believes his civic duty is once again calling him to do something bigger than himself. "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance."

Yes, you do, Joe the Christian Plumber Reporter. You do have to take that chance.

Of course, Jews and Muslims haven't been having much luck with mortars over there, but it's probably just them.

Tags: Gaza, Hamas, Israel, Joe the Plumber, Palestine