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George Allen
  • Senator LOLCAT Can Haz Committee Chair?

    Are you tired of the same old Washington insiders who promise hope, change and a better economy and then bow to special interest groups the minute they set foot on Capitol Hill? Then you'll probably be interested in this frisky new senate candidate from Virginia.

    Hank the cat

    He may look like a standard house cat, but according to his campaign materials, Hank is more than just a cat. He's a visionary

    A 9-year-old street cat, from Springfield, with a Web site, a Facebook page, a Twitter handle, and campaign advertisement, to be precise. His Senate run is founded on the issue of job creation.

    Hank, a cat from Springfield, Va., is running for U.S. Senate against Tim Kaine and George Allen. Hank announced his candidacy earlier this month, and his promotional materials describe him as "a proud Independent" with "real world experience, a unique point of view, and limitless energy"…

    The feline is vying for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Sen. James Webb (D) this year…[George] Allen and [Tim] Kaine, former governors of Virginia, are the front-runners in what has so far been a contentious race.

    Webb and Allen promise to bring jobs to Virginia, but who better to create shovel-ready jobs than a cat who needs his litter box shoveled out every other day? In addition to scooping, Hank will need workers to buy his Meow Mix, refresh his water bowl and scratch his fluffy tummy.

    After all we've dealt with so far this election season, it's nice to finally find a politician who understands how to properly care for a pussy.

    Tags: Animals, George Allen, Jim Webb, Senate, Tim Kaine, Unemployment, Virginia
  • Democratic Sen. Jim Webb Announces Intentions to Escape from U.S. Senate

    Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) — who has been incarcerated in the upper house of the bicameral U.S. legislative branch of federal government since becoming ensnared in an election by the people of Virginia only six years ago — appears to have spied a small hole in Capitol Hill's security system and has decided to make a run for his life

    Senator Jim Webb, Democrat of Virginia, has decided not to run for re-election, avoiding a blockbuster rematch with the man he beat in 2006, George Allen, and giving Senate Republicans another opportunity to help them reclaim the majority.

    In a statement, Mr. Webb said that he had "decided to return to the private sector, where I have spent most of my professional life, and will not seek re-election in 2012."

    The announcement will be a huge disappointment to Democrats and a blow to President Obama and Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, who had urged the freshman senator to run again.

    I can understand why Obama and Kaine would be sad to lose such young, fresh meat, but I'm all in favor of people escaping from oppressive and soul-crushing institutions while they still have some of their humanity.

    Just look at Joe Lieberman. He was almost the Vice-President of the United States at one point, and take note of what a few more terms in the Senate did to him. Sure, he's getting out now, but the damage has been done. Do you really think he's going to make it in the outside world? Not a chance. He's completely institutionalized.

    Or look at John McCain. No, on second thought, don't look at John McCain. What happened to him, it's too disturbing.

    Tags: George Allen, Jim Webb, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Senate, Tim Kaine, Virginia
  • That "Macaca" Guy Wants His Senate Seat Back

    It may be hard to fathom this at the moment, but there's actually more to former Sen. George Allen than just confederate flag bumper stickers, photo ops with white supremacists and severed deer heads shoved into mailboxes. Oh, yes, there is. There is also a heap of unrealized presidential dreams.

    There was a time when he was actually spoken of by real life journalists as an genuine front runner for the '08 GOP nominations. All he had to do to secure his prominent spot on the dais was hold onto senate seat in '06. Which should have been easy for a good-looking, broad-shouldered popular guy such as Allen. Except that then his mouth opened up and expelled the word "macaca" onto us. And everything went downhill from there.

    But, hey, that was three whole election cycles ago. We have since acquired (and lost) a female Speaker of the House, elected a black man into the White House and had a nationwide Tea Party. The board is cleared, and the time might just be right for George Allen's triumphant comeback

    George Allen lost his Virginia Senate seat and his presidential aspirations in 2006 to a no-name in combat boots, and he's decided he'd like one or both back. Allen, a former governor narrowly ousted by Jim Webb after his infamous "macaca" moment was picked up on tape, announced [yesterday]  that he'll run for Webb's seat in 2012.

    "Friends, it’s time for an American comeback," he said in a message on his website, adding that 2012 would decide whether "the American dream will continue to decline or begin to ascend again."

    It's kind of weird to consider an alternative universe in which this guy would spend 2012 defending his seat in the White House instead of fighting for his old seat back in the Senate. Interestingly, there's also probably an alternative universe in which he is currently married to Oprah Winfrey. (That, admittedly, is a pretty weird universe.)

    Tags: George Allen, Jim Webb, Racism, Scandalgate, Senate, Virginia
  • A GOP Makeover Montage, Starring George Allen and David Vitter

    FLASHBACK: August 2006.
    SCENE: A George Allen for Senate rally in Virginia. Our hero, GEORGE ALLEN, bounds across the stage and fires off his wacky new catchphrase, "Let's give a welcome to macaca, here." For whatever reason, people do not get the joke, and our hero suffers ignominious defeat at the hands of Democrat JIM WEBB, who had sent the macaca to the rally in the first place, and who once convinced ELAINE and NEWMAN to steal a dog.

    DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom

    A publisher plans to release a book about sports and politics by former Republican Sen. George Allen next year. Regnery Publishing in Washington says the former Virginia governor's new book will be titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports." It's due out next June.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: The words triumph, character and sports have magic, mind-erasing properties. The only way this could be better would be if Allen's book were titled "The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, So You Think You Can Dance, and My Pal Ronald Reagan."

    FLASHBACK: March 2009. Most of 2008. Most of 1999-2001.
    SCENE: Washington, DC. Action hero Sen. DAVID VITTER (R-La.) pulls off a string of high-wire stunts, including attacking an airport security door, trying to use campaign donations for legal bills related to a prostitution scandal and having a prostitution scandal. With all this shrapnel in the air, how will DAVID VITTER ever get reelected?

    DISSOLVE TO: July 2009. A plot twist comes over the transom

    Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) hauled in $1.2 million in the second quarter as he prepares to face Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-La.) in his reelection bid next year. In a statement, Vitter announced that he now has $3.2 million cash on hand.

    “I’m grateful for this tremendous show of support from folks across Louisiana who support my fight to hold President Obama and his reckless-spending, liberal allies in Congress accountable," Vitter said.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: A surefire way to avoid being held accountable for your actions is to talk loudly about holding other people accountable for their actions. Also, if you want people to give you money, tell them you'll spend it to make other people stop spending other money. This is an old FX trick from the MGM days.

    THE END! (…OR IS IT?)

    Tags: David Vitter, George Allen, Louisiana, Republicans, Virginia
  • First Democratic Pickup Is In… and It's From the Confederacy

    We're ready to announce the first Democratic pick-up in their charge toward a 60-vote Senate supermajority.  Of course, if we'd told you 2 years ago that this path would start in the old Confederacy, you would have called us "Macaca" and encouraged a mob to taunt us.

    Well, apologies to everyone from Jefferson Davis to George Allen.  Mark Warner will be the next Senator from Virginia.

    And apologies as well to Warner's opponent, Jim Gilmore, although we're pretty sure he stopped paying attention several months back.

    Tags: George Allen, Jim Gilmore, Mark Warner, Virginia