Among presidents and other high-ranking politicians, narcissism isn't so much a hazard as a job requirement. Still, there's being self-centered and then there's… rewriting the history of the United States to include one's own accomplishments within the biographies of past American leaders.
The conservative Heritage Foundation and Commentary Magazine catches the White House doing the latter — enumerating Barack Obama's achievements within the biographical sketches of presidents past. Unfortunately, the President's communication team neglected a few key moments in history…
* When Jefferson assumed the Presidency on March 4, 1801, the crisis in France had passed. Today, President Obama communicates with the President of France entirely through apologies.
* On March 4, 1841 William Henry Harrison became the first president to have his photograph taken. Today, the most dangerous place in America is between President Obama and a live camera.
* Inaugurated on July 10, 1850, Millard Fillmore had a weird name. Today, Barack Obama has a weird name.
Tags: 14th Amendment, Barack Obama, Franklin Roosevelt, George Bush, Grover Cleveland, History, James Buchanan, Millard Fillmore, Theodore Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, Woodrow Wilson
* Will Farrel reprises one of his many lovable loser roles.
* This pinstriped executive hoodie really says, "I've never been racially profiled."
* As if you needed any more evidence, sometimes rich people aren't so good with money.
* Mitt Romney's other bully plans, from College Humor.
Tags: Daily Links, George Bush, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, The Onion, Trayvon Martin, Will Ferrell
* Funny or Die reminds us where we've seen George Bush before.
* Mitt Romney's offer to host SNL.
* From Buzzfeed, 11 reasons President Obama isn't that cool.
* NASA announces their newest excursion, from The Onion.
* One World Trade Center is due to be NYC's tallest building today.
Tags: Barack Obama, BuzzFeed, Daily Links, Funny or Die, George Bush, Mitt Romney, NASA, New York City, SNL, The Onion, World Trade Center
Certainly there's no joke funnier in that laugh-to-keep-yourself-from-uncontrollable-sobbing-as-you-hug-yourself-and-rock-gently-back-forth-and-try-to-go-to-your-happy-place way than the idea that Rick Perry could have been President of the United States, but Perry gave it the old D-student college try at the Gridiron Club. His five best zingers, in my opinion:
Perry said his Texas A&M degree in animal husbandry is "what Rick Santorum thinks gay marriage leads to."
On Ron Paul: "He's the crazy uncle you expect to pull a nickel out of your ear."
On George W. Bush: "My favorite part [of his presidential library] is the petting zoo." And..
"The only difference between George and me is I say 'oops.'"
On Mitt Romney: "I like Mitt Romney as much as any good-looking man can like another good-looking man and not break Texas law."
That last joke is funny because… Texas law is frequently horrible, and it took a decision by the Supreme Court to invalidate the statute that did, in fact, make criminals out of loving couples. Still, a pretty good, self-aware performance. Who knew so much comedy could be found in the realization that Perry was the stupid Texas governor?
Photo by Jonathan Gibby/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: George Bush, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul
Jeeze. Karl Rove sure a hard guy to impress. What do you have to do — short of starting two wars and decimating your country's good-standing in the world — to get this guy to admit you achieved anything of note?
"As for the killing of Osama bin Laden, Mr. Obama did what virtually any commander in chief would have done in the same situation.
"Even President Bill Clinton says in the film "that's the call I would have made." For this to be portrayed as the epic achievement of the first term tells you how bare the White House cupboards are."*
Well, not any commander in chief.
* Let's ignore that that's a misquoting and misrepresentation of Bill Clinton, because, really, it's closer to a truthful statement than the inventor os Karl Rove's secret math has made in months.
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: al Qaeda, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, George Bush, Karl Rove, Military, Mitt Romney, Osama bin Laden, Terrorism