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Germany
  • Barack Obama Has a 75 Percent Approval Rating (with Foreigners Who Don't Matter Because They're Foreigners)

    In a different country that was not like America at all in any way shape or form, news that your President was highly regarded in the rest of the world might be viewed as a good thing.

    But that's why countries like those are not to be trusted

    A survey on European and American attitudes toward each other — released by Transatlantic Trends, a D.C.-based think tank — found that 75 percent of those surveyed in 12 European Union countries approved of Obama on international affairs, while the same survey found only 54 percent of U.S. citizens would say the same thing…

    The think tank found Obama's approval rating on international politics to be highest in Western Europe countries like Portugal (82 percent), the Netherlands (81 percent), Germany (81 percent), and Italy (79 percent)–nations that strongly opposed the War in Iraq and for which Obama offers a stark contrast to that war's president, George W. Bush.. The lowest ratings in the EU came from Eastern and Central European republics like Slovakia (58 percent), Bulgaria (63 percent), and Poland (65 percent), former Warsaw Bloc nations leery of Obama's opening of relations with Russia.

    If Barack Obama is so popular with those European people, why doesn't he just go be President of Europistan or whatever that country's called?

    Photo by Dominic Lipinski-WPA Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Barack Obama, Europe, Germany, Italy, Poland, Polls, Portugal, Russia
  • Brave Soldier Goes AWOL Rather Than Serve Under Muslim Kenyan Socialist "President"

    I think that one day, when we're listing the greatest of great American heroes, the name Daryn J. Moran will be placed up there alongside such icons as Wyatt Earp, Davey Crockett and that one guy who stabbed that Muslim cabdriver a year or so ago.

    Oh, are you not familiar with Daryn J. Moran? Well, be prepared to have your patriotism gland thoroughly milked

    A mid-echelon Air Force enlistee is staging a sick-in from his job as an ophthalmology technician on a medical base in Germany…"My stated goal," he tweeted Saturday, "is to have B. Obama held responsible for his forged birth certificate and not be in the Oval Office for the next election." He later added, "Now it's plain and simple. Arrest B. Obama or arrest me. I'm waiting in my house."…

    He's the first active-duty, overseas-serving veteran to refuse to serve; and rather than pursuing legal means, he's taking his angry case to the airwaves and internet. A self-professed conservative Christian, he has called in to a birther web show, sent multiple emails to the site obamareleaseyourrecords.blogspot.com, vented on a Twitter account, and ultimately been profiled by his hometown newspaper, the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. (In that article, Moran's father — also an Air Force vet — defends the birther ideal. "Quite frankly, my son is right," he says.)

    You've really got to respect a soldier who's so willing to hold fast to the things he believes in like this, especially when the things he believes in have been demonstrably proven multiple times to be false. It is a cowardly man indeed who stands down in the face of little things like facts.

    And let me just set the record straight, this courageous stand has absolutely, zero percent, less-than-the-absence-of-nothing to do with any slight miniscule amount of racism on Moran's part. In fact, he's gone to the trouble of pointing out that "there's no such thing as racism as far as I'm concerned." So, it can't be that, can it?

    However

    "And, it‘s not because he’s Black. Though they might want to look some more into his heritage and why his dad wasn't around to raise him properly."

    You see? It's not racially-motivated at all! It's heritageally-motivated.

    Photo by Dominic Lipinski-WPA Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Christianity, Daryn J. Moran, Germany, Military, Racism, Religion
  • Germany Besmirches Honor of Spanish Vegetables

    Ay dios mio! How mad is Spain at Germany for talking shizz on its cucumbers? The answer is "totally, super, overdramatically-mad the way you'd expect a bunch of romantic bullfighters in sparkly sequined outfits to be."

    Seems the spat began when those wacky Teutonic officials blamed imported Spanish cucumbers for the E. coli outbreak that killed nine Germans. Then health experts in Hamburg tested the cukes and discovered that the sensually-shaped yet utterly bland green veggies were innocent. Whoopsies!

    So what does this incident have to do with politics and economics and other important things, exactly? Well, kind of a lot, actually

    Spanish fruit and vegetable exporters are losing as much as 200 million euros ($288 million) a week in sales as consumers avoid the country’s products, according to Begona Jimenez, a spokeswoman for Fepex, which represents producers in Spain.

    Ah, but the question on everyone's mind is, as always, "What does Deputy Prime Minister Alfredo Perez Rubalcaba have to say?!" The answer is this: "A lot of money has been lost, and our image. We don’t rule out taking action against the authorities who cast doubt on the quality of our produce, in this case the authorities in Hamburg."

    Here's a translation for our American audience: "All y'all Hamburglars best watch yo ass 'fore I shove one of my high-quality, totally-not-contaminated-by-feces Spanish cucumbers up it!" Jeez, these Spaniards get HEATED.

    Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Food, Germany, Health, Spain
  • Hosni Mubarak May Be in a Coma in Germany, Also He May Be in Germany

    Not sure if there reports are true or not, but if ousted Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak really has fallen into a coma, I think it might just be out of spite

    According to unconfirmed reports, including from the Egyptian daily Al-Masry Al-Youm, ousted Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who resigned last week after almost three weeks of violent protests in his country, is in a coma.

    Other (pro-government) sources say that the 82-year-old former president is in a "severe psychological condition" but not in a coma, while yet another report places him "on death's door in a hospital in Baden, Germany."

    Oh, now I get it! No wonder he was holding on to power in Egypt for so long. His body must have been subsisting completely on a steady stream of human rights violations.

    Somebody kidnap and torture a teenage dissident, STAT!

    (via Brooklyn Mutt)


    Tags: Egypt, Germany, Health, Hosni Mubarak
  • Mad Economists Hate on Euro

    A long, long time ago (before the early 2000s) in a galaxy far, far away (Europe, which is not a galaxy but rather a continent), there lived a bunch of people of different sizes, shapes, colors, temperaments, and pungent odors. You could drive the equivalent of the length of New Jersey and hit, like, three different countries, with three different cuisines and three separate ways to say, "Hello. You make sexes with mine naked?" (Incidentally, this also happens when you actually drive through Jersey.)

    When you stopped to exchange one currency for another, you could marvel at the silly colors and weird obscure heroes printed on the money (like, haha, "Mozart," or "Marie Curie," whoever the fuck they were.) But, as in the seminal children's classic The Giver, the forces of sameness prevailed. Europe adopted one boring currency, the Euro, and suddenly rich, fat American college students didn't come home with fistfuls of Monopoly money stashed alongside their absinthe and weed.

    Now, as Ireland, Greece, and Portugal teeter on the brink of economic collapse, some anti-Euro economists are saying, "Nyah, nyah!" (or whatever the local equivalent of "Nyah, nyah!" is.)

    "I knew from the very beginning that putting all these heterogeneous countries together would not work," said Wilhelm Nolling, a member of Germany’s Bundesbank governing council before the establishment of the European Central Bank who is now a professor of economics at the University of Hamburg.

    Alright, angry economists, here's your obvious solution: Ireland, Greece, and Portugal should just create their own Union of Fail and go back to their ancient methods of trade, i.e., exchanging vast quantities of fish for strong-backed virgins.


    Tags: Economy, Europe, Germany, Money