Fun Sorority Meeting Will Determine If Iran Gets to Kill You

Today a giant sorority of seven cute nations gets together in Geneva to have a chat about Iran's nuclear plans. The gals in question are the U.S. (the bossy one); China (the backstabbing Asian babe you totes can't trust with your secrets); Britain (the pale, uptight virgin); France (the gorgeous snob); Germany (the overly cheery born-again who used to be a terrible bitch); Russia (the fun, drunk trainwreck); and Iran (hot trouble with a capital "T.")

Here's a rundown of how the convo will probably definitely go down…

Britain: Alright then, girls, let's come to order. Order, please? Order? If you could perhaps stop speaking, just for — perhaps for a moment?

China: But when you do speak, please be sure to enunciate directly into the teacups I so graciously provided. Please do use an elevated volume of voice and return each cup to me after the meeting concludes. Feel free to share everything on your minds and to provide essential details.

U.S.: Christ, everybody shut up. Except for me. Would you like a donut? You would? Great. Here you go. I assume I can expect your undying loyalty from now until the end of time. Remember, I have Predator drones!

France: These teacups are not Limoges, and therefore I shall not drink from them. You all smell like boxed wine and other totems of low culture.

Germany: Speaking of tea, can I get anybody anything? Sugar? Lemon? Napkins? Thanks for inviting me, by the way. I mean, really. I'm just, I'm really glad everything is just cool with us, and that we can be friends for real now. I feel like you guys really like me for real, am I right?

Russia: WHO WANT TO MAKE FUCK AND SWIM IN POOL OF VODKA?!

Iran: I want to blow you all to shit. HAHA! J/K! No, but really.

Tags: China, France, Germany, Iran, Nuclear, Russia, Switzerland, United Kingdom

World Cup Fever: Don't Worry, It's Almost Over

By now, you've probably heard that Germany's controversial cephalopoid goalkeeper let a crucial Spanish goal through, and ruined the Fatherland's dream of ruining La Madre Patria's dream of finally going to the World Cup finals finally for once.

So, on Sunday, we'll get to see Spain go up against the Nertherlands for all of la canicas, which is Spanish for "the marbles." (I could have said, "de knikkers," but I don't speak Dutch so goed.)

Finally, Spain will have satisfaction for that whole Eighty Years War thing. And this should only feel about half as long.

Tags: Animals, Germany, Netherlands, Soccer, Spain, Sports

World Cup Fever: The Only Vaccine for It Might Maybe Cause Autism

Just as I predicted last week, European teams swept the World Cup quarterfinals, beating the South American team in every match in which they played. The Uruguayans were lucky enough to squeak into the semifinals by playing Ghana instead of a team from Europe, but the Dutch quickly dispatched them 3-2 earlier today. So, now it's all Europe, all the way, which is very exciting for nobody except Europeans.

So, tomorrow, Germany will be playing Spain, and based upon the fact that a European team has not lost a match in more than a week, I'm predicting that both teams will win and advance to the finals, and FIFA will real quick devise a cube-shaped playing field so that the Netherlands, Spain and Germany can all play simultaneously in the finals on Sunday.

Failing that, I'm predicting Germany, because they're slightly more Europeany. (You know what I mean.)

Tags: Europe, Germany, Netherlands, Soccer, Spain, Sports, Uruguay

World Cup Fever: Rappity Rap Rapping "The Soccer (a.k.a. Football) Shuffle"

And, thus, tomorrow begins the World Cup quarterfinals, otherwise known as South America vs. The World…

Brazil v. Netherlands
Uruguay v. Ghana
Argentina v. Germany
Paraguay v. Spain

These games begin tomorrow, and by the end of the day Saturday, the World Cup will effectively be The South-Western Hemisphere Cup, and then the entire Eastern Hemisphere can rejoin us in having better things to think about.

Or, maybe I spoke too soon. It appears as though there actually are some people here in the North-Western Hemisphere who are still paying attention to this. Last night, The Daily Show — in the absence of any real news — dedicated its entire episode to this Cup of the World thing. Here's Jon Hodgman explains how FIFA can make Non-American Football more appealing to Non-Non-Americans…

The CC Insider has the complete episode in its complete completesity right over GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Argentina, Brazil, Germany, Ghana, John Hodgman, Jon Stewart, Netherlands, Paraguay, Soccer, Spain, Sports, The Daily Show, Uruguay

World Cup Fever: The Excitement Is Highly Communicable!

So, I'm sure by now, everyone's heard the big news about the U.S. team beating the Carthaginians One-to-Love in yesterday's match. Finally! It's nice to see the Americans dominate another country once in a while. And this should also knock that egomaniac Hannibal down a peg or two. (Doubt he'll be invading Washington D.C. mounted atop an armored pachyderm elephant anytime soon.)

So, what you're probably asking is: What are the big games that I should be paying attention to in the next few days, goddamnit?!?! Relax, dude. Relax. I got them right here…

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Tags: Algeria, Brazil, Germany, Ghana, New England, Portugal, Soccer, Sports