Have you people heard that there's a World Cup going on? Seems like every time you turn around there's some kind of World Cup happening, doesn't it? Well, this one is for Soccer, or — as the rest of the world calls it — Non-American Football.
Naturally, as Americans, we here at the Indecision blog are super amped for this not-at-all-tedious tournament. And we'll help you get amped in equal parts by filling you in on all the important games that you should be paying attention to. But first, here's everything you need to know about Soccer…
* No player may touch the ball with his hands ever. Except for the goalie. And everybody else on the team under certain circumstances. The breaking of this rule is punishable by death.
* The less scoring that occurs in a game, the more exciting it is!
* The Ancient Greeks and Romans are known to have played many ball games, some of which involved the use of the feet. The Roman game harpastum is believed to have been adapted from a Greek team game known as "ἐπίσκυρος" (episkyros) or "φαινίνδα" (phaininda), which is mentioned by a Greek playwright, Antiphanes (388–311 BC) and later referred to by the Christian theologian Clement of Alexandria (c.150-c.215 AD).
* You totally do not want to accidentally forget to wear your cup when being forced by your parents to play soccer back in grade school. Because, ugh, that pain is profound and life altering.
Now that you know everything you need to know about soccer, here's a rundown of this weekend's biggest, most important games to watch for…
Tags: Algeria, Denmark, Germany, Italy, New Zealand, Serbia, Soccer, Sports, United Kingdom
Nice work, Internet.
Tags: Barack Obama, BP, Corporations, Energy & Oil, Environment, Germany, House of Representatives, Joe Barton, Money, Texas, Tony Hayward, United Kingdom
I generally don't watch Saturday Night Live live on Saturday night these days, partly due to my Reaganomics theory of SNL viewing: If you're willing to wait a few days, the six-minutes of bits worth watching will trickle down to you via the Internet. (I'm pretty sure that's how Reaganomics worked, isn't it?) Sure, I might miss this week's installment of "The Big Ear Family" (or whatever) in which Miley Cyrus (or whoever) says something mildly out of character, but it frees up a lot of extra time for me to be cranky and judgmental.
That said, I just now discovered this bit about Arizona's not-at-all-racist new anti-brown-people law from Saturday's Weekend Update…
"I know there's some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but could we all agree that there’s nothing more Nazi than saying 'Show me your papers?' There's never been a World War II movie that didn't include the line 'show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says 'show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check."
To be fair — as some Reddit commenters have already pointed out — there's maybe a few other things that are "more Nazi than saying 'Show me your papers,' " but I get his point.
Tags: Adolf Hitler, Arizona, Fascism, Germany, Immigration, Nazis, Racism, Saturday Night Live, Seth Meyers, WWII
Obviously, the biggest problem facing America today is that most male college professors, ACLU representatives and Democratic presidents have turned their back on the Biblical act of standing up to "pisseth," opting instead to sit down, probably so that they can more easily paint their toenails while peeing.
This guy knows what I'm talking about…
Tags: Barack Obama, Christianity, Germany, Religion