From the Pork Barrel: Coincidence?

* "Akron restaurant owner dies hours after meeting Obama," confirming rumors that almost certainly exist that President Obama is a sleeper agent for a secret international society of stealth assassins. And if not, those rumors will be arriving shortly.

* Barack Obama cannot exist in the same with Fox News.

* Turns out that John Philip Sousa's great-grandson is a first-class birther. Which is kind of disappointing. Until you remember that the patriotic composer was a big fan of bassoons.

* That woman who claims to have had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain wants to fill us in on all the details. We didn't even get any money out of the deal, so why should we be burdened with this?

* Get the Indecision Election Companion, our free app for iPhone and iPad, and then jump into the Peanut Gallery — our liveblog/instant reaction arena — and watch Bobby Jindal’s appearance on ABC’s This Week with us on Sunday July, 8 at 10a/9c. Will it be veepstakesy? Or the veepstakesiest?

Photo by Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Birthers, Bobby Jindal, Food, Fox News, Ginger White, Herman Cain, Music, Ohio, Pork Barrel, Sex

From the Pork Barrel: Rick Perry on Rick Perry

* Rick Perry is jumping on the make fun of Rick Perry bandwagon. Unfortunately, just after everyone else is forgetting that Rick Perry is a person who exists.

* Sen. Chuck Schumer takes a joke about as well you you might guess Sen. Chuck Schumer might.

* Republicans are learning the proper way to address the Occupy Wall Street movement. Surprisingly, growling "Go get a job after you take a bath" hardly factors in at all.

* Newt Gingrich is continuing to amass support for his army of of poverty-stricken underage custodians. You won't be laughing when their little fingers start clawing their way up from the bathroom sink.

* Turns out the Ginger White thing was such an non-infidelity that Herman Cain didn't even bother telling his wife about her. Your move, vast conspiracy trying to take Cain down.

* Glenn Beck narrowly escaped an encounter with a real life genuine Muslim person yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family in this difficult time.

Tags: Chuck Schumer, Ginger White, Glenn Beck, Herman Cain, Islam, Newt Gingrich, Occupy Wall Street, Polls, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Scandalgate, Senate, Sex

Herman Cain, Bless His Heart, Isn't Going Anywhere

It sure has been a tough couple days. I was walking around, going about my business as best I could, but there always a nagging dysphoria in the back of my head. I'd take a moment to try and think about where that sadness was coming from, and then it would hit me right in my gut all over again: Herman Cain is reassessing his candidacy.

It's hard to believe that somebody whom I had never even heard of a few short months ago could suddenly become such an integral part of my life. I honestly cannot imagine the despair of a Herman Cain-less existence at this point. And if Cain's behavior in Dayton, Ohio are of any indication, it looks like I might not have to worry about that for a good long while…

[N]othing in Mr. Cain's actions on Wednesday suggested that he would halt his campaign as he engaged in a whirlwind day of campaigning around Ohio and in New Hampshire.

"They want you to believe that we can't do this," he told a few hundred supporters gathered in a hotel ballroom in Dayton on Wednesday morning. "They want you to believe that with enough character assassination on me, I will drop out!"

The audience shouted, "No!" and "Don't go!"

Mr. Cain seemed delighted. "Well, the American people have a different idea," he said. "The American people are going to raise some Cain in 2012!"

Oh, it's like delicious mass-produced pizza for my soul. It even came with a brand new Cain-ism topping: "Stupid people are ruining America."

We know, Herman Cain! Oh how we know! In fact, we're counting on it!

Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Ginger White, Herman Cain, Primaries, Republicans, Scandalgate, Sex

Stephen Colbert with the Latest on the Herman Cain Scandal

And there go the last eleven or so votes he would've still gotten.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Ginger White, Herman Cain, Scandalgate, Sex, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

The Daily Show on Herman Cain's 13-Year Can't Close the Deal Scandal

If Herman Cain spent more than a decade providing financial support to Ginger White and getting absolutely nothing in return, why the hell is he running for president as a Republican?! He could be the poster boy for Democrats!

Coverage continues with Daily Show correspondents Wyatt Cenac, Jason Jones and Samantha Bee after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Read More »

Tags: Ginger White, Herman Cain, Jason Jones, Jon Stewart, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Samantha Bee, Scandalgate, Sex, The Daily Show, Video, Wolf Blitzer, Wyatt Cenac