Fox News Uncovers Girl Scout Plot to Destroy America

As Americans, we move through our lives in a comfortable slumber, mindlessly consuming Hostess cupcakes and iPads until a brave news organization comes along to jolt us out of our stupor. Thank goodness for the gumshoes at Fox News, who are here to warn of the latest left-wing plot to destroy freedom/puppies…

The controversy is over a section in the Girl Scouts’ media guide that advises readers to use sites like snopes.com and MediaMatters to fact-check what they read on the Internet. Because, as Steve Doocy put it on Fox & Friends on Thursday, because MediaMatters is "clearly a lefty blog," telling members to turn to them means the Girl Scouts must secretly be in the tank for the left.*

Glenn Beck's site The Blaze first wrote about the guide on Tuesday, and said that it was pointed out to them by a parent of Sydney Volankski, a fifteen-year old former Girl Scout who left the organization in 2010 when she says she realized the organization has a "clear liberal ideology."

Don't be fooled by those cute little outfits or merit badges. The Girl Scouts aren't just selling you a pack of cookies—they’re selling you a pack of lies, with a light coating of toasted coconut communism. Why do the Girl Scouts teach survival skills? It's clearly an attempt to build some kind of liberal tween militia. Volunteering and "helping" others? Just another strategy to mobilize the working poor and other key Democratic voting blocs.

We need to shield our nation's girls from this dangerous organization and stop them from drinking the Kool-Aid, no matter how well it washes down those Thin Mints.

^{* We are aware of Media Matters' pedigree. We also wonder if Fox News and Glenn Beck would be quite so upset re: politically-oriented Girl Scout reading material if the politically-oriented material in question was created by, say, Fox News or Glenn Beck.}

Photo by Images of Our Lives/Archive Photos/Getty Images

Tags: Children, Conspiracies, Food, Fox News, Glenn Beck

A Look Back at 2011 with The Daily Show – April

If I recall April correctly (and I'm pretty certain that I do), the big news story was when Glenn Beck quit Fox News so that he could run away to England with that Tiger Mom and have the fairy tale abortion ceremony of the century.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Tags: Fox News, Glenn Beck, Jon Stewart, TDS Looks Back at 2011, The Daily Show, Video

Jon Stewart Attempts to Reason with GOP Voters Concerning This Whole Newt Gingrich Thing

"I would like to say tonight, to the Republican primary voters: Don't do this." — Jon Stewart, and most other rational people

Coverage continues after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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Tags: Glenn Beck, Jon Stewart, Lindsey Graham, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, The Daily Show, Tom Coburn, Video

From the Pork Barrel: Rick Perry on Rick Perry

* Rick Perry is jumping on the make fun of Rick Perry bandwagon. Unfortunately, just after everyone else is forgetting that Rick Perry is a person who exists.

* Sen. Chuck Schumer takes a joke about as well you you might guess Sen. Chuck Schumer might.

* Republicans are learning the proper way to address the Occupy Wall Street movement. Surprisingly, growling "Go get a job after you take a bath" hardly factors in at all.

* Newt Gingrich is continuing to amass support for his army of of poverty-stricken underage custodians. You won't be laughing when their little fingers start clawing their way up from the bathroom sink.

* Turns out the Ginger White thing was such an non-infidelity that Herman Cain didn't even bother telling his wife about her. Your move, vast conspiracy trying to take Cain down.

* Glenn Beck narrowly escaped an encounter with a real life genuine Muslim person yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family in this difficult time.

Tags: Chuck Schumer, Ginger White, Glenn Beck, Herman Cain, Islam, Newt Gingrich, Occupy Wall Street, Polls, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Scandalgate, Senate, Sex

Michele Bachmann and the Lyin' A$$ B*tches

Unless you spent last week hiding in a turkey carcass, you probably heard about Michele Bachmann's entrance song on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last Monday.  The show's band (AKA The Roots) played Fishbone's "Lyin' Ass Bitch" as Bachmann walked onstage. For the 99% of you who are unfamiliar with late 80s ska/punk/funk, let the 1% who are occupy your ears with this stone cold jam.

While the band didn't actually sing the offensive title, there were enough notes for discerning listeners to name that tune.  The show's band intended the prank to be tongue-in-cheek. In fact, the drummer Questlove even tweeted for his fans to look out for that night's "snark." But it was hard to find anyone willing to call the stunt a Swiftian satire. It was more Jackassian.

Bachmann then went on a media blitz, stating…

"This is clearly a form of bias on the part of the Hollywood entertainment elite," Bachmann said. She added, "This wouldn't be tolerated if this was Michelle Obama. It shouldn't be tolerated if it's a conservative woman either."

The band has been reprimanded and Bachmann received a personal apology from both Fallon and NBC's Vice President. Only the Vice President of NBC? Was their President too busy high-fiving everyone behind closed doors?

It's valid to ask if it could have happened to Michelle Obama. The Hollywood entertainment elite is undeniably more left-winged then, say, the NASCAR audience that booed the First Lady the day before. But while Bachmann gets to cry elitist, Mrs. Obama doesn't have that luxury. Calling NASCAR audiences "elitist" would be a little like calling NASCAR audiences "elitist."

And if booing is too tame a comparison, don't forget the pundit who actually called Hillary Clinton a "bitch." The Secretary of State most likely checks her mailbox every day waiting for that apology letter to finally arrive.

There's a lesson here for Michele Bachmann: Women in power should never have to tolerate being called a "bitch." Also, all women in power will always have to tolerate being called a "bitch."

Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Glenn Beck, Jimmy Fallon, Men and Women, Michele Bachmann, Michelle Obama, NASCAR