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Goldman Sachs
  • Goldman Sachs Bankers Are Locked and Loaded, with Actual Guns

    dirty-harryAttention, disgruntled taxpayers thinking of launching a violent attack on Goldman Sachs headquarters in New York! Being as this is Goldman Sachs, the most powerful bank in the world, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?"

    Answer had better be yes, punks, because according to Bloomberg columnist Alice Schroeder, Goldman's packing heat

    "I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit," said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

    The New York Police Department has told me that "as a preliminary matter" it believes some of the bankers I inquired about do have pistol permits. The NYPD also said it will be a while before it can name names.

    Paranoia? I don't think so.

    If Goldman's buying guns they're probably about to rig a spectacular collapse of the worldwide gun market by packaging sub-prime pistols into securities, manipulating the quality ratings of those pistols and then re-selling them to everyone else.

    Tags: Banks, Economy, Goldman Sachs, Guns, New York City
  • Colbert: Goldman Sachs Does God's Work

    As you may have heard, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein recently defended bankers, calling himself a blue collar guy who is doing God's work. And it's true, the bank CEOs are acting much like God. Particularly the God in the book of Job. So take heart, everyone. You may lose your family and possessions and be smited with boils, but as long as your faith in Lloyd Blankfein never wavers, you'll get to live to 140.

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

    Tags: Banks, Barack Obama, Economy, Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
  • How Goldman Sachs' Profits Can Help You, in 7 Simple Steps

    85broadStep 1. Goldman Sachs just reported profits of $3.4 billion on net revenues of $13.76 billion for the second quarter of 2009, and is setting aside $11.4 billion for compensation and benefits in the first half of the year. That works out to approximately $386,429 per employee.

    Step 2. In reality some people at Goldman get paid less than others, so at least one vice-president will make, oh, a couple million. Give or take (probably give) a couple million.

    Step 3. This vice-president, flush with his good fortune, will trundle down to the local luxury car dealer, where he will pick up a '10 Lexus and another for his wife.

    Step 4. The Lexus dealer, excited at having made his first sale in eight months, will treat himself and his staff to lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. The salespeople will order a side of eggrolls, just because they can.

    Step 5. The waiter, pleased with the $15 tip he just received, will walk off his shift in an excellent mood. So when the homeless man outside asks him for a quarter, he will oblige with a smile.

    Step 6. The homeless man, who'd been waiting for five hours to get a quarter, will get up and walk to the corner so he can use the payphone to call the unemployment office.

    Step 7. When you walk by moments later, you will be spared the inconvenience of tripping over the homeless man on the sidewalk.

    Everybody wins!

    Tags: Banks, Economy, Goldman Sachs
  • Cancel the Outrage: No Big Bonuses at Goldman Sachs After All, Maybe

    85broadThis morning everyone got all cardiovascular over a Guardian report about a forthcoming bonus bonanza at Goldman Sachs:

    Staff at Goldman Sachs can look forward to the biggest bonus payouts in the firm's 140-year history after a spectacular first half of the year, sparking concern that the big investment banks which survived the credit crunch will derail financial regulation reforms.

    A lack of competition and a surge in revenues from trading foreign currency, bonds and fixed-income products has sent profits at Goldman Sachs soaring, according to insiders at the firm.

    But The Guardian is a gossipy old fishwrap ("blog"), and no one believes its lies anyway, least of all Goldman Sachs:

    Goldman Sachs denied reports Monday it's planning to pay out huge bonuses to top executives while the nation is mired in a recession. "We won't know what our compensation benefit number is until the end of the fourth quarter, which is at the end of December," company spokesman Ed Canaday said.

    Reports that Goldman bankers were planning to pay themselves the biggest bonuses ever in the firm's 140-year history are "pure speculation," Canaday said.

    In other words, good news! You have six more months to train for the outrage-a-thon, which has been postponed until December, because of rain.

    Tags: Banks, Economy, Goldman Sachs
  • How to Think Like a Glenn Beck Fan

    It must be really, really hard to be a Glenn Beck fan. I know I couldn't do it.

    Matt Taibbi explains

    [A]ctual rich people can't ever be the target. It's a classic peasant mentality: going into fits of groveling and bowing whenever the master's carriage rides by, then fuming against the Turks in Crimea or the Jews in the Pale or whoever after spending fifteen hard hours in the fields. You know you're a peasant when you worship the very people who are right now, this minute, conning you and taking your shit.

    Whatever the master does, you're on board. When you get frisky, he sticks a big cross in the middle of your village, and you spend the rest of your life praying to it with big googly eyes. Or he puts out newspapers full of innuendo about this or that faraway group and you immediately salute and rush off to join the hate squad. A good peasant is loyal, simpleminded, and full of misdirected anger.

    And that's what we've got now, a lot of misdirected anger searching around for a non-target to mis-punish… can't be mad at AIG, can't be mad at Citi or Goldman Sachs. The real villains have to be the anti-AIG protesters! After all, those people earned those bonuses! If ever there was a textbook case of peasant thinking, it's struggling middle-class Americans burned up in defense of taxpayer-funded bonuses to millionaires. It's really weird stuff. And bound to get weirder, I imagine, as this crisis gets worse and more complicated.

    I don't know. These people seem pretty reasonable, well-informed and able to expressive of their thoughtful opinions to me.

    Tags: AIG, Barack Obama, Citigroup, Economy, Glenn Beck, Goldman Sachs, Matt Taibbi