The Onion: Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

It's inspiring to see a kid taking such a principled stand. This is America. Nobody should be forced to better themselves…

See also: Senator Baucus Shows Rest of Congress Where He Found the Dead Body

Minnesotans Might Soon Have to Start Speaking English

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty said recently that his state might want to consider making English its official language…

At a news conference outside the governor's residence, Pawlenty said that as the country becomes more diverse, some people might question which language to use in official documents. He said it might be helpful to clarify that the official language is English.

Spokesman Bruce Gordon said Pawlenty made the comments when asked about his support for so-called English-only measures, such as one recently approved in the northern suburb of Lino Lakes… The Republican governor, who is testing a possible run for president, didn't elaborate on his position or offer any new proposals.

Yes, this will certainly clear things right up! I'm sure all the Spanish-speakers will go, "Oh, why didn't you say that before? We will speak English then!"

Good move, Gov. Pawlenty. Somebody needed to remove those silly barriers to full assimilation.

(via The Washinton Independent)

Alabama Will Not Tolerate Non-American Languages

Tim James — Republican candidate for governor of Alabama — has a progressive plan for keeping his state apace with Arizona, Mississippi and Oklahoma in the great race back to the 19th Century: government-sanctioned intolerance for all languages other than American…

Who'd have thought that all blatant unrepentant bigotry needed was a nice soft piano accompaniment?

America: Thumbs Up for Gay People, Thumbs Down for Homosexuals

A fascinating new poll reveals what Americans really think about Don't Ask Don't Tell, the controversial policy that prevents gay people homosexuals not-heterosexual people from serving openly in the military…

In the poll, 59 percent say they now support allowing "homosexuals" to serve in the U.S. military, including 34 percent who say they strongly favor that. Ten percent say they somewhat oppose it and 19 percent say they strongly oppose it.

But the numbers differ when the question is changed to whether Americans support "gay men and lesbians" serving in the military. When the question is asked that way, 70 percent of Americans say they support gay men and lesbians serving in the military, including 19 percent who say they somewhat favor it. Seven percent somewhat oppose it, and 12 percent strongly oppose it.

So the solution seems simple enough. Since gay men and lesbians are more popular than homosexuals these days, why not repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell — but only for gays and lesbians? While we're at it, we could pass laws allowing gays and lesbians get married.

Between the marriage equality advocates and the anti-homosexual marriage crowd, we should have more than enough support for that.

The Real Message of Obama's Afghanistan Speech: No More Pizza in America

Andrew Malcolm, the Andy Rooney of the internet, can always be relied upon for one incisive observation or another. So you can just bet that nobody read President Obama's Afghanistan speech as hard as Andrew Malcolm read it…

President Obama spoke 4,582 words in his prime-time Afghanistan war speech at West Point last night.

He said "Al Qaeda" 22 times.

He mentioned the "Taliban" 12 times.

And here's how many times the Democratic chief executive used the word "victory" — 0.

!!!!!

Also, additionally, furthermore, here is how many times the Democratic chief executive used the word "pizza" — 0.

!!!!!

Do the math, SHEEPLE, and do it fast before HUSSEIN OBAMA obstructs numbers by not saying them in speeches either.