Latest Posts

Great News/Bad News
  • The Bad News: The Sky Is Falling, Porcupine Molestation and Jihad Dot Com

    boom_photo1Global Positioning System Failure: Isn't it nice when the robot voice who lives in your dashboard tells you where to go? Because reading maps waste far too many precious brain cells, brain cells that could be better used surfing the intarwebz for videos of fat tweens falling off things. Unfortunately, your handy GPS system's days might be numbered. You'll know what I'm talking about when all of the satellites that make the technology possible fall out of the sky. []

    Status Update: Jihad! Is nothing sacred to Middle Eastern terrorists with a serious hate on for Israel? Intelligence services for the Jewish state are warning that extremist groups are using Facebook in order to recruit spies inside Israel. They say to beware of suspicious people on the popular social networking site asking sensitive questions like, "Where are the nuclear missiles, Zionist pig?" []

    Death Chip For Your Own Good: Ah, science, will you never learn? A Saudi inventor has unsuccessfully tried to patent a sub-dermal microchip that can track, and if need be, kill an "undesireable." The microchip would be crammed with GPS technology and cyanide. The Saudi in question tried to patent his creation in Germany, but was denied. I give it ten years until this is mandatory in totalitarian states like Myanmar, Russia, and Texas. []

    Stick-y Situation: Poor Porcupine. Florida isn't the most sexually progressive state in the union, but there is one law we can all agree is worthwhile: it is illegal to have sex with a porcupine. This is good for the quill-festooned critter, as well as for the backwoods degenerate with a bottle of moonshine and desire to party. A pair of Russian tourists found out why one should not bugger these woodland creatures, morals and animal abuse aside. Because you might lose your zipper giblets. []

    Tags: Great News/Bad News, Israel, Terrorism
  • The Bad News: Zombies, Evil Corporations and Everyone's Still Broke

    Troops Denied Water By Cheney Spawn:
    Did you know that you can buy a $1200 dollar watch in a combat zone? Also: did you know that US soldiers had to steal water from war profiteers? CBS reports that our boys and girls "over there" are very thirsty, and at the mercy of corporations that will, one day in the far-flung future, use human beings to smuggle murderous, chest-bursting aliens back to Earth inside of them. There is a documentary about this very thing. []

    Economy Still Sucks, Move Along: Fewer Americans stopped by food court and inhaled cinnamon buns in April, the second month in a row that consumer spending has dropped. This portends poorly for a economic recovery, and even less so for economists charged with fixing the economy, most of whom have a vested interest in telling everyone that everything is going to be ducky, toot de suite. []

    Nobody Told Scientists Not To Create Zombies: This just can't end well. Scientists in Texas tasked with finding a way to eradicate fire ants have developed a way to turn these pests into… zombies. That's right: parasitic flies plant eggs in the brains of the ants, and then the ants wander away until their heads fall off. Amazing. Give it a decade, and this is how the US military will deal with terrorists. []

    Credit Card Companies Maxed Out: If you thought the collapse of America's powerful, and storied financial institutions was a good time, just wait until the credit card companies start to buckle under the weight of their debts. A major lender is shutting down credit to small businesses, who use credit for payroll and expenses while waiting out invoices. What does this mean to you? It means you might have to sell blood or just steal your second or third plasma tv. []

    Tags: Dick Cheney, Economy, Great News/Bad News, Halliburton, Iraq
  • The Bad News: Return of the Soviets, Pig Death Peak and The FBI Knows What You Did


    From Russia With Doom: The Soviet Union has developed a Flux Capacitor, and has travelled from the past to the future! Because this past weekend, angry Russia swung it's death dork and warned the world to step off or else! They rolled out troops, tanks, jet planes and had them a good old fashioned Stalin-era strut. brings the fear.  []

    America Leads World In Plague: According to Yahoo, America is now #1… when it comes to Swine Flu. The US leads in H1N1 flu cases, surpassing pandemic culprit Mexico. We're all going to die. Fill your super-soakers with anti-bacterial hand lotion! Freebase Tamiflu! Set fire to snifflers! []

    They Are Watching You Poop: The FBI says it's new "high-tech tools" are for fighting "crime," reports ABC News. But you know and I know, they just want to get all up in your bidness. Listen into your conversations with mom! Check out what words you're using while playing Scrabble online! They are mouth-breathing and squinting while peeping you on the toilet! []

    In The Near Future, Human Fingernails Will Be The Only Currency: The economy is getting worst, and pretty soon, we'll all be standing in soup lines, and they'll pour scalding hot boot lace broth into  our cupped hands because bowls will be too expensive. MSNBC reports that the US government is borrowing 50 cents for every dollar they are spending to staunch the blood spurting from  the economy's sucking chest wound. []

    Tags: Economy, Great News/Bad News, Russia, Swine Flu
  • The Bad News: Economy Shrinkage, Robot Overlords and Man-eating Mice!


    Economy Suffers Continued Shrinkage! Apparently, there are "piggy bank half-full" economists, and "piggy bank half-empty" economists. Clearly, it's a safer bet to listen to the bean-counters who favor negativity — the US economy shrunk more than expected in the first quarter by 6.1%. Who wants some more boot leather soup? []

    Meet Our Future Robot Master! Tech giant IBM seems actually proud about it's recent advancement in artificial intelligence — "Watson," a computing system designed to beat humans at the quiz game "Jeopardy." Great job, nerds. First it's "beat the humans at game." Then it's "download self into battle tank." And finally, it's "beat the humans… into goo." I've seen the documentaries. []

    Torture Thy Neighbor! A recent survey suggests that the more religious you are, the more likely you are to condone torture. Has this country gone down some kind of evil rabbit hole? I repeat: those people most likely to follow a religion about brotherly love and forgiveness can rationalize brotherly sadism and waterboarding. []

    Mice Get Munchies, Make Meal Of Man! Oh, jeez. Will somebody fire somebody? Some really old war vet in an old folk's home was attacked and chewed on by multiple mice, because the institution can't arrive at a way to curtail the infestation of vermin. Horrible. Total bad news. []

    Tags: Great News/Bad News, Recession, Robots Are Dope!, Torture
  • The Great News: Greatest Job Of All Time, Eco-Friendly Houses, and Good Times Return!


    Chance Of Money Storms Likely! The Federal Reserve claims that the economy is still contracting, but more slowly than previously. Which can either mean the recession is easing, or it just might be more of a stroll to economic ruin, rather than a sprint. For now, focus on the positive: you won't have to pitchfork fight for canned food in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Yet! Yay! []

    House of Poos! It's lighter, stronger, cheaper, and more environmentally-friendly than excavating clay. You can build a house out of it, and be the alpha hippie on the block. They're bricks! Earth-saving bricks! Made out of poo, wonderful poo! []

    Get Paid To Drink Wine! This job seems too good to be true: ten grand a month to drink wine, and learn how to talk about it all fancy. Why would anyone be so cruel as to get a hobos hopes up? But if it's true… then this is the greatest gig out there, hands down. Truly great news to whoever scores it. Good luck! []

    The World Needs More Heroes! So this story is kind of gruesome, but since the news is so thick with stories of self-interested douchebags, it doesn't hurt to dwell on someone who just did the right thing. This little girl suffered a horrible injury, and this hero carried her for four days to get help. []

    Tags: Environment, Great News/Bad News, Recession