Oh, hi Texas. Did you finally decide to come back after trying to run away from your 49 brothers and sisters? Mom and Dad told you never to cross the Gulf of Mexico, so you just walked around the perimeter of the state with a hobo stick on your shoulder until you got hungry and decided to come back home, right? We all knew you wouldn't secede.
What's that? You'll stay on one condition? Alright, tell us what it is…
We, the Citizens of the Great State of Texas, and Dallas Cowboys fans worldwide, have been oppressed by an over controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator for way too long. Request the Executive Branch’s immediate assistance in removal of owner and GM, Jerry Jones. His incompetence and ego have not only been an extreme disappointment for way too long, but moreover, it has caused extreme mental and emotional duress.
Another money-hungry windbag is trying to exert control over "America's team" even though he has become highly unpopular? Move over, Grover Norquist.
Photo by Streeter Lecka/Staff/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Cuba, Guantanamo Bay, Sports, Texas
Part 2 after the jump.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.
Tags: Barack Obama, Debates, Guantanamo Bay, Jon Stewart, Libya, The Daily Show, Video
Though there are not many who remember, a few still speak of a mythical time, a moment shrouded in the mists of forgetfulness and the veil of legend.
A time known as just four damn years ago, when progressives spoke of the civil rights abuses of the Bush administration as a stain on the Constitution and Barack Obama said we would "reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals." Which a majority of his supporters have interpreted as rejecting the "false choice" between principle and undying allegiance to their party's leader…
The sharpest edges of President Obama's counterterrorism policy, including the use of drone aircraft to kill suspected terrorists abroad and keeping open the military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, have broad public support, including from the left wing of the Democratic Party…
Tags: Barack Obama, Democrats, Foreign Policy, Guantanamo Bay, Liberals, Polls, Terrorism
The good thing about being President of the United States is that you get to do whatever the hell you want to do all the time. No?
Oh, well maybe someone should tell Newt Gingrich…
Newt Gingrich has pledged that on his first day as president he will set up a constitutional showdown by ordering the military to defy a supreme court ruling extending some legal rights to foreign terrorism suspects and captured enemy combatants in US custody.
The Republican contender told a forum of anti-abortion activists ahead of South Carolina's primary election that as president he would ignore supreme court rulings he regards as legally flawed. He implied that would also extend to the 1973 decision, Roe vs Wade, legalising abortion.
"If the court makes a fundamentally wrong decision, the president can in fact ignore it," said Gingrich to cheers.
Well spit fire and save the matches! If only the Bush administration had known about this rule they could have completely ignored the judiciary so many times! And President Obama must have only just recently heard about it, having expanded the rule to include Congress.
At that same forum, Rick Perry (Retire In Peace) echoed Gingrich's desire to overturn Roe vs Wade, solidifying the premature end of his campaign by saying…
Think about 35,000 children every day are aborted in China. That country is destined for the ash heap of history unless it changes its values.
That probably went too far for Gingrich. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Damning China to an ash heap disregards a lot of it's rich traditional history, for instance, taking a concubine.
Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Abortion, Barack Obama, China, George W. Bush, Guantanamo Bay, House of Representatives, Judiciary, Newt Gingrich, Roe v. Wade, Senate, Supreme Court
During his 2008 campaign, President Obama repeatedly promised to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay and make greater strides toward transparency and humane treatment of foreign detainees.
Then he actually became president and realized what a political nightmare that would be. But it looks like he may have changed his mind, at least about the prisoners at Hawaii's Hanauma Bay…
This year, the president and his family released four green sea turtles into the bay’s clear blue water. The 18-month-old turtles were born at Sea Life Park, a nearby marine sanctuary and aquarium that boasts of being the only place in the U.S. that raises green sea turtles in captivity.
The president and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, enjoyed their turtle experience so much that they decided to make a stop at Sea Life Park later in the day.
With sectarian violence on the rise again in Iraq, the Taliban securing their hold over Afghanistan and Islamist groups gaining momentum throughout the Arab world, Obama's decision to release four highly dangerous sea turtle detainees is simply outrageous and a grave threat to national reptile security.
You heard it here first: Obama is soft on turtle terrorism. Sure, the President and his daughters are giggling at all the turtle fun now, but they won't be laughing when those four radicalized sea turtles return to launch a coordinated shell attack against our military's fleet of Mario Karts.
Photo by Kent Nishimura/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, Guantanamo Bay, Hawaii, Terrorism, Vacation